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“Everything is going to be different from here on out.” Her voice sounded weak, just like she was. Weak and broken and undependable.
And I think I loved him more for what he didn’t say in that moment. He didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. He didn’t offer more than he could give. He just stayed.
“I don’t need better,” I said softly. “I like pizza.” But I love you.
“You little liar.” Leaning closer, he cupped my cheek with his big hand and pressed his forehead to mine. “I can read you like a book.”
“No,” I muttered, not meeting her eye. “I only took two.” “Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the donkey,” Mam wailed as she bounded for the hallway, followed by Joey. “What am I going to do with you?”
and that was the exact moment I felt the shift, the switch from this being something sweet and innocent to something deeply complicated with the hint of forever.
“Shannon Lynch?” I called out, ignoring the rest of her fucked-up family. “I love you back.” Sniffling, she lifted her chin from Joey’s chest and looked at me all red-eyed and blotchy. “S-still?” “Still.” I nodded in confirmation. “Like, a crazy fucking amount.”
I felt dizzy when I croaked out, “What do you want, Johnny?” “For a start, I want you to look me in the eyes when you talk to me,”
“Can you not climb back inside that shell of yours every time we’re not together for a few days?” I swallowed eyes locked on his. “My shell?” “Your shell,” he confirmed. “Don’t do that to me, Shannon—don’t block me out. Don’t give me you last weekend and then take it away again. I’m the same me from that night in my house. I’m the same me from every other time we’ve been together. So don’t put a wall up between us, not when you’ve already let me climb over it.”
He shifted from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable. “I suppose now’s a good time to tell you that I get a little obsessed with the things I love, huh?”
“Yeah, but you’re our pain in the ass,” Lizzie countered. “And we happen to be sort of fond of you.”
“It’s okay!” Jumping into action for once in my life, I slipped under Darren’s arm and backed away. “He wasn’t doing anything.” “He was touching you,” Johnny snarled, glaring at my brother with an expression that was borderline feral. “He was trying to put you in the car.”
Leaning against the bonnet of the car, I watched Gibsie stalk away, muttering the words “Charm, not harm,” over and over to himself as he went.
“Give me that ball.” “Never,” she laughed. “It’s mine. You gave it to me, and I’m not giving it back.” Like my fucking heart?
“You want to go to my house?” I asked, feeling my body ache with the pressure it was taking to take this slowly. I knew I needed to, but Christ, she wasn’t making it easy for me. “My room?” She nodded. “If you do?” Fuck.
Leaning against the doorframe, I folded my arms across my chest and stared back at him.
Yeah, I’m here, fucker.
“Do what?” Shannon replied, tone harder than I was used to hearing. “I went for a walk to my friend’s house. There’s no law against it, Mam.” Pride roared to life inside of me. Go on, baby. Don’t let them push you around.
“You coming in, or are you just going to stand there leaving the cold out?” “It’s the heat out,” I muttered. “Maybe in your house,” he shot back, not missing a beat, before disappearing into the kitchen.
Mam had her head in her hands and Darren had his back to me, but Joey was facing me and when he noticed me edging closer to the kitchen door, he smirked and winked.
“I want you, too,” he said with a wink. “In every way.”
“If that’s what you call hand-holding, then I’d really like to know what you call the other shit,” I heard Darren say from somewhere nearby. “Maybe they’re gone beyond hand-holding,” I heard Joey muse. “I can’t always be right.”
“Would you believe me if I told you that was mine?” I offered weakly.
“It’s not your size,” Mam growled
“I’m your daughter’s boyfriend,” he continued, shoving my father against the car once more before swinging his fist and connecting with my father’s jaw. “And I’ve been dying to meet you.”
And if you ever touch her again, I’ll know about it. One fucking bruise, I’ll see it and I’ll know who put it there,” he snarled, chest heaving. “And then I’ll come for you, and when I do, God himself won’t save you.”
“You are ready,” he cut me off by saying. “And you’re better than good enough.” He squeezed my shoulder. “I honestly can’t think of another person who deserves this more than you, Kav.” Sighing contently, he added, “So enjoy this feeling, lad, because this is the start of huge fucking things for you.”
“Listen.” Inhaling a steadying breath, he clenched his eyes shut and I watched as tears fell from his lashes. “I need you to take care of yourself, okay? I need you to do that for me.”
“I’ve got you, Johnny,” Gibsie said, wrapping his arms around me just before I collapsed in a heap. “I’m right here, lad,” he whispered, lowering us both to the ground. “Let it out.” So I did.
“You know, if you wanted to watch the sun come up with me, you only had to say, lad,” he mused, nudging my shoulder with his. “Yeah.” I choked out a hollow laugh. “That’s what it is.”
“My Joey,” she whispered, cupping his cheek in her hand. “My baby.”
“You’re in there, aren’t you? Hmm?” She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I see you, Joey Lynch.”
“It’s okay,” she whispered, leaning over his broad shoulders to hold him close. “You can’t scare me away.” Her blond hair pillowed around them as she whispered, “You’re mine, remember?”
“Say no more, buddy.” Gibsie rose from his pew and walked straight up to Joey. “Gussie’s here,” he said, patting him on the shoulder.
Like he had when she was alive, Joey remained right by our mother’s side,
And instead of feeling fulfilled, I felt empty. Because somewhere along the way, without my brain or heart’s permission, my dreams and goals for my future had shifted.
