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I was twelve years old and a frontline soldier in the war that raged within my family home. The enemy I found myself up against was bigger and stronger, and my ally had abandoned me when I needed him most.
And even when it was quiet, I was on edge. The silence unsettled me almost as much as her screams. Because her screams meant she was still breathing. Her silence could have meant that she was dead.
At least when we were all together under the same roof, I could protect her, I could protect them all, take some of the pain for them, and let them have some semblance of a childhood.
With whatever I had inside of me, I would protect and defend them from harm. They would never have to sit behind a barricaded bedroom door with a hurley in hand. I would be here to do it for them.
After a smoke, I could relax better than I’d ever been able to. I could close my eyes at night and not hear her in my head.
It was like there was a demon living just beneath the surface of my skin, one that had taken too many kicks lying down and refused to take a single other.
In my head it was die or get high. And I had too many people depending on me not to die.
Babies weren’t supposed to be made in order to plaster over cracks in marriages, but that’s what this one would be. That’s what each one of us was, temporary plasters to cover the cracks in our parents’ dysfunctional relationship.
She reminded me of one of those beautiful, exotic caged birds you’d see in a backstreet pet shop: out of place and itching for freedom.
She, on the other hand, was a good wife and a great mam, but that didn’t change the fact that her constant stream of forgiveness looked an awful lot like weakness in my eyes.
“From my viewpoint, men let you down. Even the good ones like Dad can’t be trusted. So why would I ever expose myself to that kind of pain? It would be emotional suicide.”
“I’m not afraid of loving a boy,” I told her honestly. “I’m afraid of losing myself in one.”
I just wanted to stop feeling. To stop caring. To stop, period.
wondered if the cord that attached me to her had ever been truly severed. It was invisible but still connecting me deeply to the woman who bore me. I wanted to let it all go. To just let the pain and pressure fall from my shoulders.
“Joseph acted… He took on a role.… He was the father of the lost.”
“My Joseph. My brave, brave boy. Terrible burdens. A cursed cross to carry. But always rising from the ashes. Always getting back up. Always the…protector.”
“When we’re grown up and gone from this town, we’ll get our happy ending, won’t we?”
“You shouldn’t settle for comfortable, Molloy. You shouldn’t settle for anything less than being in love to the point of madness. The only person that you should be settling for is the person who unsettles you the most.
Growing up in a home like ours made it difficult for me to work right. I didn’t mean hold down a job; I’d had one of those since childhood. I meant that I didn’t work right in the head, not like other people my age at least.
Truth be told, my brain was a scary place to be, and I didn’t want to be anywhere near me most of the time.
I understood what it felt like to be afraid. I’d spent most of my life drowning in terror until I just stopped caring. Caring meant feeling. If I didn’t care about what happened to me, then I had nothing to fear.
He wasn’t violent by nature. He was violent because he wasn’t nurtured at home.
“The quintessential lost boy.” Her lips grazed mine as she spoke. “Don’t worry, Peter Pan, I’ll be your Wendy.”
No, instead, I was the friend he liked on an exclusive basis, but nobody could know.
“Because the only time that I allow myself to feel anything is when I’m with you.”
“Don’t hate me, Molloy,” Joey mumbled, falling into the passenger seat the moment I let him go to open the car door. “You’re all I have to wake up for in the morning.”
He declared that we could all burn to death
Feel uneasy reading this knowing how book 2 ended
life has been a shitstorm from day dot, Molloy, and the whole goddamn town knows it. I’ve never had calm. But you?” His tear-filled eyes implored me to hear him. “You were like an island. Somewhere for me to go and escape. Somewhere safe. Someone to anchor me, if that even makes sense. And I took advantage of that when I had no right to. I was selfish when I dragged you into my world. Now, I need to put you first.”
could walk right out the front door, and nobody could stop me. I could leave. I could be free. But the four small faces staring expectantly up at me were so defenseless, so utterly dependent on my ability to provide for and protect them, that I knew in my heart that I would never leave this house until I could take them with me.
I would never abandon them. If I could do nothing else, I would spare them that pain.
