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At least when we were all together under the same roof, I could protect her, I could protect them all, take some of the pain for them, and let them have some semblance of a childhood.
After a smoke, I could relax better than I’d ever been able to. I could close my eyes at night and not hear her in my head. I had peace.
I was staring into the face of danger. This boy possessed all of the terrible traits that mothers warned their daughters about. Every bad, wrong, and dirty teenage-boy characteristic wrapped up in a perfect, fucked-up package.
“You should be embarrassed,” he snapped, tossing his cigarette butt away. “Embarrassed for giving an asshole like Paul Rice the chance to treat you like an option.”
“No need to shake, asshole. Just make your peace with God because I’m going to bury you.”
“I’m not afraid of loving a boy,” I told her honestly. “I’m afraid of losing myself in one.”
“No, Paul, I’m not picking him over you, I’m picking me over you,” I snapped in a shaky tone as I shook my head and staggered away from the both of them. “This is over, Paul. Congratulations, you’re a free agent. We’re done.”
“He hurt you,” he croaked out. “You don’t hit girls.”
:(((
I knew I was far from a saint, and I wasn’t blaming my wrongdoings on anyone other than yours truly. But fuck, things might have been different if I had been given a different start in life—a start like the prick standing in front me had been given, for example.
“Oh, one thing I will say before I go.” Swinging around to glare at me, he added, “Thanks for getting her drunk for me.” I narrowed my eyes and his smile darkened. “It’s always easier to get her knickers off when she’s off her face from drink.”
Oh hell no
“Only thing I’ve ever done right in my life is leave you alone.”
“You don’t know that, Molloy. You don’t know me. I break everything I care about. That’s what I do. I fuck it all up.”
Aoife Molloy consumed me to the point that I didn’t feel like everything was completely fucked in the world anymore.
“A lad I would be happy to see look after my Aoife.”
“I took a chance on that boy, and I’m glad that I did because the man that small boy turned into is a man who I am damn proud of.”
“I’m glad that I waited,” she whispered, curling her arm around my neck. “It meant more with you.”
“It never meant anything before you.”
“Only that you’re here enough that you should be contributing. Instead of having your teenage son shoulder your deadweight.”
“You know,” he called after me, “if you ever get tired of letting my young fella dick ya, you could always let his old man show you how it’s really done.”
WHATTTTTT I HATE HIM EVEN MORE NOW
“It’s like you know you’re about to get your ass handed to you by exposing yourself to this person, and you know that you’re fucking around on the edge of something that could potentially break and ruin you, but it’s just so damn thrilling, so consumingly addicting that you’re willing to take the risk and do just about anything to be with that person.”
hand. “I want you to know that you’ve been the best part of my day every day since I was twelve years old.”
Maybe I could become someone deserving of being with her, because the current version of me sure as hell wasn’t.
“I couldn’t love you more if I tried, Joey Lynch,”
How could I justify addiction to someone who had never lived through it? How was I supposed to make her understand that for most of my life I had been desperate to escape? That the only solace I’d ever been able to find had been in the soothing drag of a joint or a mind-altering line of coke, in the numbing effect of benzos or the thrilling buzz of uppers? How could I forget the euphoric fucking feeling of heroin?
love you more than I have ever loved another person in my life, and that’s not an exaggeration. That’s the god-honest truth.”
“Exactly. I’m not replacing you, Molloy.” I couldn’t. “I’m trying to fix me.” For you.
