More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“The next time he puts his hands on you, I want you to fight back.” I stiffened. “Are you listening to me?” I nodded. “If he touches you again, Shannon, then I want you to grab the sharpest knife you can, and I want you to plunge it into his heart.” Sniffling, I turned to look at him. “You’re not coming back, are you?” Joey just stared at me, eyes filled with tears. “I can’t,” he whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek. “If I go back inside that house, I’ll kill them both.”
Please stay
I watched his face, registered the truth he was telling me, and then I unfastened my seat belt and opened the door. “Goodbye, Joey,” I whispered numbly, and then I climbed out and walked inside.
I exhaled a heavy sigh. “I like her.” “Okaaay,” he drawled. “Tell me what the problem is.” “That’s my problem,” I bit out. “I like her, Gibs. I think I really like her, man. Like really as in a lot. A lot more than fucking like. Christ!” He shrugged a shoulder. “Still not seeing the problem here, lad.” “I. Don’t. Want. To. Like. Her.” I spelled it out for him, fresh out of patience now.
“So, you’ll help me?” I asked, choosing to ignore his last jibe. “Have an orgasm?” Gibsie shot back with a shake of his head. “I love you, lad. But not enough to get you off.” “Fuck off,” I grumbled. “Relax,” he said, laughing. “I’m joking.”
“You think I’d let anyone hurt you?” Johnny finally asked, his eyes dark and intense and focused solely on my face. “You think I’d let anything bad happen to you, Shannon like the river?”
I nodded and said, “Yeah, we’re just friends.” “Ah, that’s a shame,” she replied after a long pause. “For a moment there, I thought you had managed to do the impossible.” “The impossible?” “Distract him from rugby.” “Oh.” I clasped my hands together, unsure of how to respond to that. “Well, I haven’t,” was all I came up with, followed with, “We’re just friends.”
“Not that well,” I found myself explaining. “Honestly, Johnny offering to drop me home is probably just another one of his ways of trying to make up for knocking me up on the pitch.” “Excuse me?” Mrs. Kavanagh spluttered, eyes bulging. “It was an accident,” I quickly interjected. “He didn’t mean for it to happen. If anyone’s at fault, then I am. I shouldn’t have gone there. I distracted him. But he took good care of me afterward.” I blew out a breath before adding, “He was very kind.” “And when did this accident happen?”
“Out. Johnny knocked me out. Not up.” Oh, dear god, let me die. “Out,” I emphasized for the dozenth time. “The bump was on my head.” “How did he hurt you?” his mother asked, looking troubled and yet massively relieved. I sighed heavily. “With his balls.” “With his balls?” she repeated, looking horrified. “Johnny knocked you out with his balls?” “Ball,” I stressed, squirming in my seat. “Just the one ball—” I stopped speaking, knowing I was making a hash of things.
“This is my favorite picture,” Johnny said, stirring me from my thoughts. He tapped the photo. “And he’s my hero.” “Your dad?” I whispered, eyes glued to the photo. “That’s you with your mam and dad?” “Yeah,” Johnny replied. “In all our glory.” “And it’s your favorite photo because it’s of you and your parents?” Johnny shrugged and the movement caused his hard chest to brush against my back. “That’s partly why it’s my favorite.
I eyed her warily. “About what?” “About sex, love.” My mouth fell open. “Why are you not hearing me? Why isn’t anyone hearing me anymore?” “I know your father spoke to you a few years ago about the birds and the bees.” She placed a hand on my shoulder and steered me over to the island, obviously not fucking hearing again. “But considering this latest development, I think it might be a good idea for us to talk about it. Just so we’re all clear on how important it is to take things slowly.”
I held up a hand. “We are just friends.” “Uh-huh,” Mam quipped with a disbelieving smile. “That’s what they all say.” “That’s the bleeding truth,” I snapped. “That’s all we are.”
“I know what to expect, Ma,” I groaned while I contemplated bathing in bleach. “I’m not a bleeding kid.” My mother’s head snapped toward me, eyes wide. “So you’re not a…” “No, Ma.” I dropped my head in my hands and fought back the urge to fucking cry. “I’m not a virgin.” “Oh, dear…okay. That’s okay, love. That’s perfectly fine,” she rambled, tone forced. “I just presumed that since you’ve never brought a girl home before now, or talked about girlfriends, that you weren’t pursuing any love partners—” “Keep talking and I’m going to jump out a window,” I warned her. “I’m not
messing around. I will go upstairs and hurl myself off the fucking roof.”
“Because I’m not blind, Jonathan,” Mam replied, full-naming me to let me know how serious she was about this. “I see the way you look at Shannon and the way she looks at you.” “We are just friends,” I bit out. “You’re in love.” My jaw fell open. “We are bleeding not.”
“First, for the last bleeding time, Shannon is not my girlfriend,” I snapped, flustered. “Second, I haven’t been a virgin since first year. And third, I can roll a condom on in the dark with one hand tied behind my bleeding back, so I don’t need the sex talk, or tips, or any of that shite.” Mam gasped in horror and I mentally kicked the shite out of myself. “I’m lying,” I coddled her. “I am a virgin.” “First year,” she sobbed. “First year!”
“No, no, no,” I hurried to assure her. “I’m a virgin, Ma. I am.” “No,” she wept, shaking her head. “You’re not.” What the fuck was I supposed to do now? Christ, where was my dad when I needed him? “You were only fourteen in first year,” she continued to wail. “Thirteen,” I muttered under my breath as I held her to my chest and patted her back. “Holy Mary, Mother of God.” She sobbed harder, clearly hearing me. Shit. Balls. “I am a virgin,” I continued to say over and over while my mother cried into my school jumper. “I’m saving myself for marriage, Ma.”
“It’s the rugby,” she sobbed, fisting my jumper. “I blame the bleeding rugby for this.” “For what?” “For you losing your innocence!” Mam hissed. She looked up at me and then burst into another bout of tears. “Those boys you play with, they’re too old for you and obviously led you astray.” No, Ma, my dick led me astray when puberty kicked in…
“Ma, I’m almost eighteen,” I tried to comfort her by saying. “You were married to Da by the time you were eighteen.” “That’s different,” she sobbed. “How?” “Because you’re my baby,” Mam sniffled. “Oh god, my baby is sexually active.” “No, I’m not,” I coaxed, hugging her. “I promise, I am not having sex.” Right now. “I’m not, Ma.”
“Ma,” I said after a solid ten minutes of her sniffling on my chest. “I’m going to have to go back up to Shannon now.” “Okay, love,” she sniffled. “You won’t do anything—” “No, Ma,” I coaxed, freeing myself from her hold and standing up. “I won’t lay a finger on her because we are just friends, and I am a virgin.” “I know you’re not,” she croaked out. “But I’m trusting you to do the right thing.”
I was not, however, prepared for the sight of Johnny’s naked ass. He was standing in front of his chest of drawers with his back to me, a towel on the floor at his feet, and was in the process of pulling a pair of boxers up his thighs. God, he even had muscles on his ass. How was that even possible? And then Johnny glanced over his shoulder and caught me red-handed. “Like what you see?” he teased, arching his brow.
“Someone touched you,” Johnny whispered in my ear, placing his fingers on the marks. “I want to know who.”
Releasing an unsteady breath, I reached up, grabbed Johnny’s neck, and pulled his face down to mine. And then I kissed him.
“Jesus Christ,” Johnny groaned, dropping his head in his hands. “Of course, I like you.” He tugged on his hair and sighed. “I think it’s pretty fucking clear that I’m mad about you.” Exhaling a pained groan, he added, “But I’ll be eighteen in May, Shannon.”
“She’s mad about my lifestyle,” he corrected with a heavy sigh. “She doesn’t even know me, Shannon.” “What do you mean?” “I’m a prize to her. A shiny trophy,” he muttered under his breath. “That’s all I am to most people.” “Not to me,” I told him. Johnny looked at me. I forced myself not to turn away. “No?” I could see frustration and hope flashing around in his blue eyes. “No,” I confirmed quietly.
“If you need someone to go through the coursework with you, then just let me know.” “You would do that for me?” she asked, voice soft. I would do pretty much anything for you.
“Johnny?” Shannon whispered again. “Yeah?” “I’m going to hug you now.” She hitched her leg over mine. “Is that okay?” Don’t do it. You’ll never get over this girl. “Yeah.” I exhaled a ragged breath, feeling my heart smash against my rib cage, as she hovered above me. “That’s okay.”
“Binding thirteen,” Gibsie snickered as he tore off way too fucking fast for comfort. “Little Shannon blew that shit clean out of the water.”
“You’re on my side,” I whispered, nudging his thigh with my knee, praying for a reprieve. It didn’t come. He didn’t move his leg. Instead, he cocked a brow and tossed back, “You’re on my bus.”
“What one did you mean to give me?” Johnny had a pinched expression when he said, “A Maroon 5 song.” “Oh?” I looked up at him. “Which one?” He shifted in discomfort. “‘She Will Be Loved.’” Oh. Oh wow.
It wasn’t easy, though. Not with the root of all my anxiety sitting next to me. And the words of that song tormenting me. If only he knew how true those lyrics were, I thought to myself. If only…
It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. Stop lying to yourself, my brain hissed. You love him with every piece of your fractured heart…
“I won’t,” Johnny stated, seemingly able to read my thoughts. “Whatever you’re used to,” he continued to say, eyes locked on mine. “Or whoever you’re used to. Whatever’s responsible for that sad look in your eyes—” He paused to brush his thumb over my cheekbone. “That’s not me, I’m not like that, and I won’t do that to you.” “You promise?” I whispered, then quickly chided myself. When I was anxious, I always asked for a promise. It was a terrible habit I had
from spending years of my life living in a constant state of uncertain anxiety. Usually, I asked for those promises from my brother, and Joey supplied me with an abundance of them to ebb some of the stress. Whether my brother meant to keep those promises or not, the small affirmation, however impossible or ridiculous, appeased something inside of me for a little while, making life a little more bearable. “I promise,” Johnny surprised me by saying.
In neat capital letters were the words: SHANNON LIKE THE RIVER. WILL YOU PLEASE BE MY FRIEND? Two hand-drawn boxes were sketched below the writing. One box had a yes over it, and the other had a no. The yes box had a smiley face. The no box had a sad face. At the bottom of the page were the words: SIGNED BY alongside a slightly crooked line with his signature scrawled across it. Beneath the line with Johnny’s name was an empty line for my name and he had dated the note January 10, 2005, my first day at Tommen. A side note stating: PS: SHANNON PROMISES NOT TO SUE JOHNNY WHEN HE’S
SIGNED FOR THE PROS FOR ANY INJURIES HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE CAUSED HER ON THE DATE MENTIONED ABOVE. THIS IS A VALID DISCLAIMER, I SHIT YOU NOT took up the last few lines of the page. It was ridiculous, adorable, and I couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off my face.
Ticking the yes box, I signed my name to the page, and then tore it out of my notebook before handing it back to Johnny. The smile Johnny rewarded me with was wide, genuine, and breathtakingly beautiful. God, he looked like a different person when he smiled. His entire face transformed. His eyes lit up. The dimples in his cheeks were visible.
“She’s threatened by you,” he said gruffly. “Her reaction to you is based on jealousy.” “Threatened by me?” I shook my head. “Why?” “Because you’re beautiful,” he stated, causing my cheeks to flush a deep shade of pink.
He cleared his throat then, looking slightly uncomfortable, and for a moment I thought he was about to take the compliment back, but then he steeled his features, tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and whispered, “Inside and out.”
“I told you that day outside Twomey’s office that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you,” he finally admitted. Yeah, he did. He promised. And he kept it… “Well, thanks for caring,” I breathed. “Thanks for being worth it,” Johnny replied, hand still on my cheek.
I was starving for her and everything she was. Every part of her. Inside and out. I wanted to fight all her battles. I wanted to give her all her smiles and make her laugh and snatch her away from the rest of the world and keep her all to myself. I just wanted her. For keeps.
“Because I shouldn’t do this,” he whispered. And then he kissed me. The moment his lips crushed against mine, a fierce blast of heat coursed through my body, igniting a delicious burning ache in my belly. Unable to think straight, let alone breathe, I did the only thing I could do given the circumstance: I reached up and grabbed his forearms and kissed him back. This was my first real kiss, minus the disaster in his bedroom, and I had no idea what I was doing. I only knew that I never wanted him to stop.
When I felt one of his hands trail down my arm and settle on my hip, I lost it. I completely and utterly took leave of my senses. Shivering uncontrollably, I let my back sag against the doorframe as my hips thrust closer to him. I was drowning in my feelings as they crashed through me like a wrecking ball. The more he kissed me, the more my body trembled uncontrollably. The more I sought.
I think I’m in love with you. I think I’m falling. Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t ever hurt me.
“Bye, Johnny,” I whispered, hovering in the doorway, fighting back the urge to run back to him. His pain-filled eyes landed on mine. “Bye, Shannon.” I love you. I am so in love with you. Please be okay.
“That’s understandable,” she replied, rubbing my arm soothingly. “Is it?” I strangled out, fighting back the urge to scream. “Because I have no idea why I feel like I’m dying right now.” Sniffling, I inhaled several shaky breaths, desperate to get my emotions under control. “I have never been so scared in my whole life.” “Shan,” Claire sighed softly. “You’re feeling like this because you care about Johnny.”
“I’m so in love with him, Claire,” I confessed, and then I burst into tears. “I love him so much that the thought of him not being okay is killing me.”
“Little Shannon,” Gibsie announced, nudging Claire’s shoulder to alert her to the fact that I was back and could hear them. “Hi,” I breathed, smoothing down my coat. “Ready for a jailbreak?” he added with a grin. I looked to Claire, who was worrying her lip and shaking her head, before turning back to Gibsie. Forcing the image of my father’s face from my mind, I exhaled a ragged breath and nodded. “I’m ready.”
“I remember the girl,” I slurred. “Why’s everything dark?” “Because you’re supposed to be sleeping,” my father told me. “It’s six o’clock in the morning. Still dark outside.” “So, no lights anywhere?” I asked, confused. “They’re all gone?” I heard his quiet laugh. “No lights for another few hours, Johnny.” “You’re sure my dick’s still there?” I kicked my feet, but they weren’t being cooperative. “I really like my dick, Da. I’ll cry if it’s gone.”
“Da, there’s a girl,” I announced when the door clicked again. “I know, Johnny,” Dad said calmly. “That was your nurse.” “No, no, no,” I slurred, shaking my head. “There’s a girl, Da. A girl.” “Where, son?” “There’s a girl on the bus,” I slurred. “I need you to find her for me.” “There’s no girl, pet,” Dad coaxed. “There’s no bus, either. You’re jacked up on morphine.”
“No, no, no, Da. I’m serious,” I slurred. “I think I love that girl.” “Well, who’s this girl?” “She’s a river.” I sighed and closed my eyes. “I’m keeping her, Da.” “Okay, son,” he coaxed. “You keep the girl.” “She makes my heart go, like, whoa.” “Is that right?” he mused.
