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“You are so concerned with fighting the bullies at school, Mam,” I sobbed, tears streaming down my cheeks, “when the biggest bully of them all lives under this roof.”
I felt like I was slowly dying in that house. In my home. Where I was supposed to lay my head. Where I was supposed to feel safe.
“Look at me.” I didn’t. “Look at me,” he repeated, tone calm and coaxing.
“You’re safe,” he whispered, cupping my cheek in his hand, eyes boring holes straight through my soul. “I promise.” That word. God. That one word broke me. It was all too much. My life. Those girls. My father. And in the middle of it all, I could only see him.
This boy.
You could love this girl your whole life, the crazy thought persisted
inside my brain over and over, if you just let yourself.
my Shannon,
“Shannon.” Johnny’s hand snaked out and wrapped around my wrist. “I don’t want you to go,” he said gruffly, tugging me back down beside him. “I want you here.” He rested a hand on the bed right behind my back and leaned close. “I want you to stay with me.”
“What do you want me to do, Shannon?” Johnny strangled out. “Tell me what to do here.” “Hold me,” I sobbed, burying my face in his neck. “Don’t let go.” “Okay.” One of his large hands cupped the back of my head and the other moved to my back as he held me to his chest, slowly rocking me on his lap. “I won’t,” he whispered, folding me up in his arms.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, blue eyes burning holes in mine. I quickly shook my head, knowing that I wanted to block it all out and concentrate on the one good thing in my life. Him.
A little while later, when my eyes began to droop, he lifted his arm, and I didn’t even flinch when it came down around my shoulder. Instead, I nestled my cheek against his side and closed my eyes, allowing myself to drift off to sleep without an ounce of fear in my heart because it couldn’t exist inside of me, not when this boy had his arm around me.
“If I go back inside that house, I’ll kill them both.”
Seeing me. Seeing only me.
“You either want her or you don’t. You either go for it, or step back.”
I wasn’t mad at Claire. Their banter was perfectly normal. It was my reaction to the banter that I was mad about. My constant overreaction to everything. I needed to work on myself. I needed to stop being scared all the time. It was hard, though, when I spent most of my waking hours in a constant state of paranoia and anxiety.
“You think I’d let anyone hurt you?” Johnny finally asked, his eyes dark and intense and focused solely on my face. “You think I’d let anything bad happen to you, Shannon like the river
“Because I won’t,” he answered his own question by saying. “Nothing bad is going to happen to you,” he added, blue eyes dark and locked on mine. “Because I’m not going to let anyone hurt you, okay?”
She was mine and I didn’t want to share.
“Come on, it’s okay,” I coaxed, retracing my steps. “I’ll look after you.”
I wanted to be here with him. I wanted him, period.
It wasn’t fair to give this much beauty to one person. They could have spread it out across the entire school and he’d still be perfect.
“What the fuck is this?” he hissed. I followed his gaze to the faint purplish fingerprints lining my neck.
“Someone touched you,” Johnny whispered in my ear, placing his fingers on the marks. “I want to know who.”
“Tell me who put their hands on you,” he coaxed as he stood behind me, my face in his hand and his fingers on my throat. “And I’ll make it better.”
“I can help you,” he pleaded. “Let me help you.”
“I want to help you.” He placed his hands on my outer thighs and looked up at me, blue eyes wide and sincere. He squeezed my thighs gently. “All you have to do is tell me what’s happening, okay?” Reaching up, he tucked a wet strand of hair behind my ear. “Just tell me who’s hurting you and I’ll make it go away.”
Releasing an unsteady breath, I reached up, grabbed Johnny’s neck, and pulled his face down to mine. And then I kissed him.
“I didn’t expect it… I didn’t expect you
“Jesus Christ,” Johnny groaned, dropping his head in his hands. “Of course, I like you.” He tugged on his hair and sighed. “I think it’s pretty fucking clear that I’m mad about you.”
I knew right there that he was exceptionally special and that it had nothing to do with his sporting capabilities. He was exceptional on the inside, too.
“Stop overthinking,” Johnny instructed in a coaxing tone, distracting me from my internal battle. “Everything’s fine.” I turned to look at him. “What makes you think I’m overthinking?” He shrugged, smiling this amazing boyish grin at me. “Am I wrong?” No. No, of course he wasn’t. Overthinking was my specialty.
“I want to take you home,” he told me. “I need to make sure you’re okay.”
Whatever she needed from me, I was more than willing to provide.
I’m yours. Please be gentle with me because I’m here to stay.
“But just so you know?” he added. “She’s always been your Shannon.”
Johnny had a pinched expression when he said, “A Maroon 5 song.” “Oh?” I looked up at him. “Which one?” He shifted in discomfort. “‘She Will Be Loved.’”
“No, baby, I don’t mind.”
I love you, I almost blurted out, holding the three terrifying words back just in time.
“Because you can, Shannon,” Johnny’s voice broke through my thoughts. “You can trust me.” His gaze was locked on mine, his strikingly intense blue eyes burning holes inside of me. “I won’t hurt you.”
“I won’t,” Johnny stated, seemingly able to read my thoughts. “Whatever you’re used to,” he continued to say, eyes locked on mine. “Or whoever you’re used to. Whatever’s responsible for that sad look in your eyes—” He paused to brush his thumb over my cheekbone. “That’s not me, I’m not like that, and I won’t do that to you.”
Well, I love you, Johnny Kavanagh! Even though you’re leaving. Even though you don’t feel the same. Even though loving you is going to break my heart. I love you with everything I have. And I probably always will.
Wow, I thought to myself, determination flows through that boy’s veins just as potently as the terror that flows through mine.
I was starving for her and everything she was. Every part of her. Inside and out.
I wanted to fight all her battles. I wanted to give her all her smiles and make her laugh and snatch her away from the rest of the world and keep her all to myself. I just wanted her. For keeps.
“Hi, Johnny.” “Boom, boom, fucking boom, Da,” I groaned, slapping a hand against my chest. “I’m done for.”
