Only Once

by Ashley Munoz

I wanted to be someone’s favorite. I would do anything to be someone’s first pick.

“Honey, the best kind of love story happens when we don’t feel lovable, when we feel ugly and bruised, like the reject of the pile. That’s when that shit sneaks up and bites the hell out of you.”

I pulled my friend away from the kitchen. “Look, you’re right. I hate being reminded of it, but you are. I don’t know how to move past him. It’s been ten years…” I shrugged pathetically. “Ten years, and still when I close my eyes and think about my future, it’s his face that I see.

My chin wobbled as a sob worked its way up my chest. This was my fault. My kids were being shuffled around like luggage because I couldn’t keep my relationship together. Because I couldn’t marry the man who’d given me children. Because I was a pathetic mess and proof of that mess was standing somewhere in the building with his famous, model-like girlfriend.

A little boy and a little girl? Suddenly the room felt too small. It felt like those places I’d buried and hidden away were coming back to slap me in the face. I’d never healed from Bexley; I’d just found my own way of burying the hurt…now

the boy I used to love had grown into a man who saved women in his phone according to what seemed like the season in which he saw them. Or, if I was honest with that dark part of my brain that was putting all the pieces together, they were organized by the season in which he decided to fuck them. They were seasonal fuck-buddies. Gulping, I tapped on the icon to create a new contact and put in my information. I saved my name as Bexley Black: college fling. Handing the phone back to him, I wiped my palms on my shorts, trying to get the feel of his life off me. It wasn’t that I was judging him, I just…I was insanely jealous. It wasn’t one woman he’d decided to see after me; it was an entire harem he’d decided to dick around with. For some reason, that made my heart throb with pain.

I couldn’t hold them back any longer; tears broke out, streaming down my face along with a hiccup as a sob worked free. I had never hated Ryan for anything in our past, even when he’d responded the way he had to the news I’d delivered to him. Even when he’d broken my heart into a billion pieces with that firm set of his jaw and that angry look in his eye…I had never, ever hated the man. But now…now I was starting to hate the fucker.

Her whispered words still stuck with me all these years later. “If you want this, want us…then take me out of here. There’s no halfway with me, Ryan Prince. If you say you’re mine, you won’t ever belong to anyone else.”

“I should go,” Ryan muttered softly, and before I could challenge him on why that wasn’t necessary, he turned around and ran down the steps. It was fine. I didn’t care that it felt like my heart had lodged itself in my throat or how hurt slammed so hard into my chest I nearly fell back. I didn’t need people in my life who didn’t want to be there, or who didn’t understand that shared custody was a complicated mess, something that required grace and a whole lot of patience.

“That’s why I’m here—that look on your face.” He stepped closer, lowering his voice. “I can’t lose you to him…I can’t lose them to him.” Logan’s chest deflated with each word.

I was overstepping boundaries. Bex knew it; I knew it. Thankfully, neither of us were brave enough to say anything about it. I slid inside, next to Bexley, while Cole buckled in next to Bella’s seat in the back. I started reversing, not hating at all how normal this felt, how having them all in my car with me felt like I’d finally found that thing I’d been missing and ignoring for the past ten years of my life.

his face was so peaceful, like watching them made him feel at peace. I turned away, just like I had earlier when I witnessed how he looked at my kids,

Sometimes in life we only get a few seconds to tell our truth, and no matter how much we want to change it, we can’t erase it from other people’s lives.

“I wouldn’t know, would I? Because the girl I’m in love with left me, just fucking left. I called you for a year, Bex. I grieved losing you and our baby for an entire year! Every fucking day, I wrote you, I called you, I left you long, pathetic messages. I missed parties. I’d look for you on campus, convinced one day you’d show up…until it was too much and I eventually lost my contract.” He seethed, his anger palpable and alive. My heart thrashed with horrible hope that I didn’t deserve, and that stupid place in my mind that was analyzing every little thing clung to the fact that he’d said ‘the girl I’m in love with.’ Did that mean he still felt that way?

“Let’s leave things where they’re at, Bex…maybe we weren’t meant to have another shot at this. There’s too much water under the bridge, and I’m not in the mood to drown.” I stood, crossing my arms over my chest, trying in vain to guard my pathetic heart against his words. “Okay.” What was I supposed to do, ask him to stay? I had nothing to offer him. I had no fresh starts or happily ever afters in my future, and this new version of Ryan had them in spades.

He made it sound like he wanted us to stay, but I knew he didn’t. Not really. Whatever his fascination was with us, it would fade. He had movies to make and models to date, and we were just some experiment he was trying on for size during his vacation.

“I have to toe that line for the girl who once planned a future with you, the one who loved you so intensely, so fully she had an entire Pinterest board full of wedding ideas, future house plans, and kids names. She’s still in there somewhere, and she’d never let me sleep in the same bed as one of your ex-lovers.”

“You ruined me, Bex, ruined me, and you have the audacity to stand there and judge me for my lifestyle? Judge me for having different women I sleep with because I still can’t wrap my brain around settling down with anyone but you?”

“Gloria…” I started as her arms wrapped around me. I couldn’t hold off the tears any longer; they fell in cadence with her whispered confessions. “It was always supposed to be you. Please give him another chance, give this another chance…I can already tell he loves them.”

“It’s just, I know you likely hate me after what I did to Ryan, but you never got to hear my side of it. That’s my fault, but I never meant to hurt him.” “Oh, sweet girl, you think I didn’t know there was more to the story?” She leaned closer, rubbing my back. “Ryan finally confessed his role in all of it a few months after you left…I knew as soon as he said he blamed you, there was no getting you back. Not after what happened with your daddy and your momma…” Blinking away tears, I gaped at her. “You remember that?” Giving me a quick nod, she continued, “I only ever wanted you to be happy…same as Ryan. I don’t always approve of my son’s life choices, but you? You were the best…there won’t ever be a more perfectly suited person for him. I don’t know if you know it or if he does, but you’re it, Bexley Black.”

“What the hell did my mom mean when she mentioned your parents?” He stepped closer, his hot breath fanning my face as anger twisted his features. “You told me your mom lived in Texas, worked hard, but kept to herself. You said your dad was mostly absent but lived around there too.” “I—” “Never—you’ve never mentioned anything other than those details to me regarding the people who raised you, yet my mother seems to have the entire Bexley Black story.”

I tried to gain control of my spiraling emotions. It wasn’t often I admitted I was wrong, but in this case I was. Unfortunately, this was the kind of wrong that had taken ten years from me, taken the one girl that mattered, the one girl I pictured a future with. Images of camping in this familiar spot, lounging on this specific beach…as a family, with her as my wife, our kids playing around us…and I’d just given it up. For a dream.

I wanted to get a closer look to see if she bore any stretch marks, anything that was different now than what I remembered about her. As I drew closer, it felt like a punch in the gut as I caught her mid-laugh, that smile bright and warm, her eyes alive and full of possibilities. I watched, hoping my lust-soaked gaze would sear into her skin, into every crevice she tried to hide away from me. I hoped she knew she had split me open and I’d never recovered…it hit me as painful as a bullet to the chest when I realized I didn’t want to.

Quieting my steps on my way toward camp, I was nearly to the rug Ryan had thrown down when a hand reached out and spun me toward a tall evergreen. “What are…” I protested, but demanding lips cut me off as Ryan kissed me against the tree.

“Hey, my girls are back.” Ryan looked up from piling strips of bacon into a pan, his eyes focusing on me with a sly grin.

My heart leapt at his term of endearment. I tried so hard to shut it down, to not give it credence, but I’d have been lying if I said I didn’t want to soak in the fluttery feeling it created. If I allowed myself, I could get lost in that gaze and the way it felt like home.

I was dating Bexley Black again, risking my heart…and this time with the kids involved. If it didn’t go well, it would ruin me.

“Just don’t give up on us before we even start.” He leaned in and pressed a firm kiss to the space next to my lips. The kids could come in at any second, and I knew it wasn’t easy for him to hold himself back like this. I focused on his grip, how it gave me that same feeling of security, like he wanted to protect me…or, if I was being really honest, like he wanted to keep me. “I won’t,” I assured him, wrapping my hands around his neck.

I doubted Ryan was used to brushing them off, because he smiled, engaged, and answered questions aimed his way. In my head, I had rehearsed what it would look like if this scenario presented itself. Ideally, he would have shooed everyone away then tugged the kids and me close, claiming us for all to see. The reality of how stupid I’d been came crashing in like a rogue wave, obliterating my well-built defenses. Cole watched the interaction between the girls and Ryan, his eyes bouncing back and forth between them, his little face contemplative. He stopped coloring on the page in front of him and scooted a few inches closer to my side until he was holding my hand under the table. My heart wilted like a dandelion caught in an unexpected storm.

“Come on guys, let’s go hunt down some ice cream.” I tugged them along as we edged our way toward the glass door. “What about Wyan?” Bella asked, following after her brother, who was holding my hand tight. “He’s too busy,” Cole muttered angrily. Dammit. He’d opened his heart up to Ryan, trusting him not to do what his father did. This wouldn’t be easy for him to fix.

Instead, I’d be eating the words I’d stood by so faithfully when Shay questioned this relationship. I hated that she was right. I hated that I was so foolish. It was a mistake I wouldn’t allow to happen again.

I just…I love spending time with all of you, but let me be clear.” He rose on his knees, gaining height, pushing me into the mattress. “Our past is too thick for us to be casual. I may have hinted at a date when we were camping, but what I meant was that I wanted you to be mine.” He moved over me, wedging his jean-clad knee between my legs. My heartbeat picked up speed as his scent surrounded me.

He guided my hand to the tattoo over his heart. Sitting up and crawling closer, I inspected the dark ink I’d dismissed each time I saw him bare-chested. A gasp shuddered past my lips as I saw what was stamped there. “You tattooed my name over your heart?” Wrapped in thick thorns and vines, each letter was nearly swallowed in the pain represented there in the image of a deadly plant. It wasn’t as vibrant as some of the others, more muted, which made me curious as to when he’d gotten it done. “The year after you left,”

“Shay is worried about this…us.” I waved my free hand between us. “She’s worried because…” I hesitated, feeling as though I was about to jump off a cliff by confessing this. “Because I’m still in love with you…she knows I haven’t stopped, and she’s worried you’ll hurt me.” I swallowed the swelling that had formed in my throat as silence pulsed in the room with both our confessions. A soft kiss landed on my hairline as Ryan’s hands came to my face, supporting my jaw. “Let me fix us, Bex,” he whispered, feather light against my temple.

Right before I fell asleep, I heard him whisper, “I love you, Bex. I never stopped.”

so I needed to figure out what we were going to say to them. “Plans?” Cole asked, tilting his head. I blinked, looking to Bexley for help, but she only shook her head in amusement. I didn’t see caution in her gaze or anything to suggest I shouldn’t go forward, which made me feel…amazing. On fire. Understood and backed up in a way I hadn’t felt in my entire life. “I love your mom,” I blurted out like an idiot. Shit. “You wuv her?” Bella lisped, making my mouth twitch in a smile. “He’s still your prince, Momma,” she whispered to her mother, not so quietly. Bexley smiled, smoothing down her daughter’s hair. “And I love him back.”

These kids had already been through so much, and Cole’s protectiveness of his mom clearly pointed to her not having been treated well by Logan. I ached for the little guy.

Her blue eyes met mine…she wanted it too, but her eyes flitting back to the kids told me we needed to wait a bit. I would wait. I would do anything for them. My chest tightened with the realization. Bexley had been in my heart for as long as I could remember, and had always been a part of me no matter what I was doing, but Bella and Cole…it was as if they’d just appeared being equally as important.

she wasn’t even in the same league in comparison when it came to the beauty of this house. I’d burn it all to the ground if it meant I could have her and the kids forever. The squeezing in my chest warned me I was getting too attached;

Jerry, my agent, had already let it slip that he felt like Bex and the kids were a distraction I didn’t need at the moment.

“I’m yours, Ryan. My body, my heart, my soul if you want it,” I whispered.

I hated that I had this simmering doubt resulting from letting her go ten years earlier. She may have left, but I’d given her every reason to go, and now I had to bow to the whims of another man having precedence in her life.

I wanted to stay in the bubble with this new proverbial family I’d adopted into my heart. They had a dad, but those kids meant so much to me that I’d do anything for them. I was in love with Bexley, so much so that I felt like my heart was shredding in half any time I considered losing her to this career.

“You cheated,” I stated plainly. It was simple for me. He had cheated, and that was the end. A heavy sigh left his chest. I still refused to open my eyes, too afraid of tears slipping free. I may have been weak with this heat stroke situation, but it had nothing on how weak I was for him. “I didn’t cheat. I’m an actor and I was in breach of contract if I didn’t agree to that publicity stunt. I love you, Bexley. You, and only you.” “And your job,” I added harshly, hating that it slipped free, but what he’d done hurt so much. Even if what he said was true—and my gut said it was—the fact that he hadn’t told me or warned me meant he wanted to protect his career more than he wanted to protect me.

I gripped the ball Bella had dropped. She’d abandoned it to run into her daddy’s arms, just like Cole had done. Fucking hell, it was like a knife to the chest to see them in his arms.

“Ryan…just…can we talk through this? Don’t leave.” I tried to clear the bubble of pain in my throat so I didn’t wheeze or sob as he turned his back on me. It didn’t stop the tears from coating my lashes or splashing down my heated cheeks. Please stay. “I’m not risking anything else. I almost lost this role because of you. I was confused, but now I’m seeing crystal fucking clear. You’re not over your ex, and I’m unwilling to risk you leaving me again, so my job comes first. It will always come first because I don’t trust you, Bexley. I could never trust you.” The door slammed as he ran down the steps and continued down the street. It had started raining, so his shirt was soaked within minutes. I flipped the deadbolt to ensure he couldn’t come back, even as invisible knives cleaved my heart in two…even as I sobbed and crumpled to the floor. The trouble with choosing someone first was, so often, they didn’t choose you back, and it felt like flames against your skin when you realized your heart belonged to them regardless. Ryan would always be my first choice, and now I knew without a shadow of doubt that I would never be his.

TMZ was playing a clip of celebrity news, and one of their headlines was Ryan Prince’s small-town fling getting frisky with a local. My gut twisted. I’d seen it, the footage of Bexley at a bar, dancing with some guy, letting him kiss her, move her, and get twisted up so much so they had to blur out the video. She hadn’t called a single time, not that I thought she would. The day I left her, I had been

“So, what will you do now?” Grant asked, standing and preparing to head for the door. “I’ll head back home…figure it out from there.” Something I wasn’t exactly excited to do. My fall fling had already tried to contact me, but I couldn’t bring myself to reply to her. I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone but Bexley, which was even more infuriating because she was out there living her best life—drinking, dancing, and not giving a fuck that she’d broken my heart. “Just be happy, man…you know that’s all anyone wants for you. You deserve that.” I knew I did; problem was, I had no idea how to get back to happy when all the happiness I realized I wanted in life was wrapped up in that small yellow house.

“Oh honey.” Gloria leaned forward until she was hugging me. Again, like it had the first time, it completely wrecked me. I could feel my throat throb in pain as I held back tears, until I finally couldn’t bear it. “No one ever talks about that part of love, how imperfect and painful it is, how necessary it is to fully love and appreciate someone.” She rubbed soothing circles into my back as tears fell down my face, pooling at the tip of my nose and crashing to her shoulder. “Sweet girl, you’re worthy of that same sacrifice, that same devotion. You deserve someone to love you like that, and if my son isn’t the one to do it, you need to hold your chin high until you find the one who can.” Gloria leaned back and rubbed the wetness from under my lashes, locking her gentle gaze on mine. I didn’t have words. No one had ever cared for me or said anything like that to me besides Shay, and sometimes I didn’t listen because I wasn’t sure if she’d picked it up from some inspirational tweet or Photogram picture. “You can demand that he picks you. You can choose you and your kids and expect that he does too…that’s okay, and after ten years of having his dream, I think it’s high time he realizes he’s about to lose the only one that ever really mattered to him.” I felt more sobs and hiccups erupt from my chest. It was like my heart was having a come-to-Jesus moment with my soul and there was no redemption in sight. I wept and wept into her arms as she rocked me and allowed me to be broken.

When I was about to go, she grabbed me in a tight hug one last time. “I can’t force you to do this, but Gary and I would like the chance to get to know your kids…and you. You all live here, and whether or not my son fixes this, you’re important to us, and we want you to come see us. Bring the kids, let them have fun here…we’re here for you, Bexley.” I cried again as I nodded my agreement and then drove home with the biggest smile on my face. Maybe it was possible to be happy and full without being in a relationship. For the first time in a really long time, I had hope that I’d be okay.