All Rhodes Lead Here

by Mariana Zapata

People cried over endings, but sometimes you had to cry over new beginnings.

Me? Mad? Hahahahahahahaha I would set his Rolls-Royce on fire if I had the chance and sleep just fine.

Why was this guy not married? Where was Amos’s mom? Why was I so nosey?

“You deserve better, Roro. I’m just holding you back from what you really need.” He’d been fucking right that I deserved better. I had just been in some serious denial back then, asking him to stay, to not give up on fourteen years. Telling him I loved him so much. “Don’t do this,” I’d pleaded in a way that would have horrified my mom. Yet he had. With time and distance, I now knew exactly what I’d dodged in the long run.

I wasn’t as much of an adult as my birth certificate said I should be.

The second thing I noticed was the uniform he had on, which seemed poured over a whole lot of impressive muscles and bones. His belt was tight around his waist. Someone deserved a catcall. What it was about a man in uniform, I had no idea, but I was pretty sure my mouth watered there for a second.

“I owe you. I appreciate what you did. I don’t know how I’ll pay you back, but I’ll figure it out somehow.” He took another deep breath, and I braced. “I’m . . . sorry for how I handled you being here.” He was apologizing. To me. Sound the alarms.

“Bless your heart, honey, you don’t need to apologize,” the older man said with a smile so filled with sugar I was going to get a cavity. His friend, bless his heart, winked. “How could we ever get mad at such a sweet face, right, Doug?” My whole body went rigid at their kind words.

But at the same time, my genetics were kind of a curse. Some men tended to be misogynistic. Sometimes I got treated like I was an airhead. And a lot of times, I got more attention than I wanted, especially when it was the uncomfortable kind. I listened and I tried my best at just about everything, and I had a good heart—as long as you hadn’t wronged me. And all those things were a lot more important to me than what was on the outside.

My landlord blinked for about the hundredth time at that point, and I was pretty sure he was either confused or stunned as he pulled his wallet out and slipped his card through the reader, his gaze staying on me for the majority of the time in that long, watchful way that was completely different from the way the older men had been eyeballing me earlier. Not sexually or with interest, but more like I was a raccoon and he wasn’t sure if I had rabies or not.

Mr. Rhodes named a few other different kinds of fish I’d never heard of, and I asked him how to spell them. He did, leaning back against the chair and crossing his arms over his chest, the raccoon-watching face back on his features.

“I’ve always been a sucker for a man in uniform. Did you know my husband was a police officer?” Sometimes . . . sometimes I forgot I wasn’t the only person to have lost someone they really loved. “No, I didn’t know that,” I said. A wistful expression came over her face, and it made my heart hurt only imagining what she could be thinking of. Hoping it wasn’t the what-ifs. The alternate realities. Those were the worst. “Police officers are cute, but I’ve always had a thing for firefighters,” I told her after a second. Her mouth formed a little smile. “With their little pants and hats?” I looked at her. “I like their suspenders. I’d give them a snap or two.”

“Most people, sure, but I don’t want to live in a city. My life was really hectic for a long time, and I like the slower pace. I forgot how much I love the outdoors. The clean air. My mom used to love it here. When I think about home, it’s here, even twenty years later,”

For a long time, I’d thought I was pretty damn lucky. My mom used to say all the time how lucky she was, for everything. Every occasion. Even when things went wrong. She saw the best in everything. A flat tire? Maybe we would have gotten into an accident if we hadn’t stopped. Someone stole her wallet? They needed the money more, and at least she had a job and could make more! The highs with her had always been so high. Now, more often than not—and especially when I felt down—I felt more like I was cursed. Or maybe my mom had taken all my luck with her.

“It’s hard to play in front of other people, thinking of how they’re judging you. But the best thing to do is not care what they think or if you mess up. Everybody messes up. Every time. No one is ever flawless, and most people are tone deaf and can’t hear a flat note if you poked them with it.”

“He’s a sweetheart, okay?” She started to reverse. “And he’s cute.”

“He is cute,” she confirmed, not exactly sounding happy about it though. “But I’m not saying I want to marry the guy or . . . or . . . get in his pants. I don’t even want to date him. I’m not ready yet to be with anyone else, but I can still look.” Something in my chest churned at her own step she was admitting to. We were all trying to take small steps in our lives, trying to get somewhere. I guess the good thing was, there might be a finish line with a specific time we needed to get there but none of us knew what it was.

Two had been puppy love, but the last one . . . well, it had been real. Until it got burned alive and to a crisp.

We used to take turns pumping each other up when we were having bad days. When Yuki had broken up with her boyfriend about a month before Kaden had kicked me to the curb, we had sat around her living room—while he’d been on tour—and yelled at her. You’re beautiful! You treat people with respect! You haggled with your label for more money! You sold one hundred million records because YOU worked hard! You’ve got a great butt! You make the best macaroni and cheese I’ve ever had!

Try being sad when people you love yell compliments at you. You can’t be.

“Boys don’t like smart girls though.” From the side, I could see Clara shaking her head. “That’s why we’re telling you that they’re a headache.” “More like a migraine, but sure, a headache works,” I

The woman who had been my not-mother-in-law.

Was it petty of me to say “Who?” It was, but I did it anyway. Because fuck this lady who had canceled my cell phone the day after her son quit on our relationship. Who had told her employees—people who I’d assumed were my friends—she would fire them if she found out they were communicating with me.

One whole year since I’d been cut cold turkey out of their lives. Out of their family. And now they were worried? Ha. Ha. Ha.

“Mrs. Jones, I’m really busy. I’d tell you to tell Kaden I said hi, but I don’t really care—” She gasped. “You don’t mean that.” “I’m pretty sure I do. I don’t know what he wants to talk about, but I have no interest in having any more conversations with him. Much less with you.” “You haven’t even heard what he wants to talk to you about.” “Because I don’t care. Look, I really do have to go. I’m sure he can talk to Tammy Lynn.” I didn’t need to go there, but it was worth it.

Of course Kaden would have his mom call to break the ice.

It wasn’t my fault he was a mutant with no fears.

Some people were uncomfortable with the idea of grief. Some people didn’t understand love either. And that was okay.

Some people said there wasn’t such a thing as a stupid question, but I knew that wasn’t correct because I asked stupid questions all the time.

no matter how much I told myself that a bat was just a sweet little sky puppy . . . I wasn’t buying it.

“Who did that to you?” he asked in a slow, slow voice.

“Does he always sing like that?” He raised one of those stern, thick eyebrows. “Like he’s had his heart broken and is never going to love again?” Did he just . . . joke? “Yeah.” He nodded. “He’s got a beautiful voice.”

now I knew that the world was split about fifty-fifty, if not seventy-thirty with assholes versus good people.

His shoulders started shaking. Then his chest. The next thing I knew, he started laughing. Mr. Rhodes started laughing, and it was rough and sounded in a way like an engine struggling to come to life, all choked and harsh.

“Angel . . .

“Just because you shouldn’t complain doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to.”

“Most people are too scared to ever put themselves in a position to be criticized. You shouldn’t care what they think if they don’t have the guts to do what you’re doing. You have to remember that too. The only opinion that really matters is your own and other people you respect. Everyone is scared of something, and perfection isn’t realistic. We’re humans, not robots.

“Great job, teddy bear. Just great, great job. That line about being left to sink into the debris . . .” She nodded again. “That was really good. Memorable. I loved it.”

“Please don’t be mad.” I hated when people said that. “I’ll try my best to think about what you’re saying and try to take it with an open heart, Jackie.” “Promise you won’t be mad,” she insisted, her slim fingers tap-dancing at her sides. “Okay, all right, I promise not to get mad, but maybe I’ll get frustrated or have my feelings hurt.”

“Before I forget, why didn’t you tell me about Tall, Silver, and Handsome?” I burst out laughing. “He is handsome, huh?” She whispered, “How old is he?” “I think early forties.” Yuki whistled. “What is he? Six-four? Two-forty?”

“I’d ask about Rhodes, but he’s weird around beautiful women.”

“So,” Johnny asked, sipping on the one and only beer he’d said he was drinking that night, “how are you still single?” I snickered as I set my glass of sangria down and shrugged. “Probably the same reason as you. My addiction to creepy dolls gets in the way.”

“He checked out the waitress’s ass every time she walked by,” I explained. “I told him he needs to work on that next time he goes on a date.”

“You look beautiful,” Mr. Rhodes said in that careful, somber voice a heartbeat later. “He’s an idiot for looking at anyone else.”

“You know, you keep on being nice to me, and I’m going to think you like me.” That big body stopped right where he was and one gray eye was on me over his shoulder as he asked in that rough, serious voice, “Who says I don’t like you?”

I watched his pants stretch across his thighs and butt as he bent over. Suddenly my hands didn’t hurt so bad.

It was . . . it was beautiful.

“And I don’t know about anybody else, but I think it’s beautiful what your parents did. There’s nothing ugly about selflessness and love.”

So I was beyond surprised when a hand reached over and patted my forearm. It was Amos.

“When is your birthday?” If he was surprised by my question, his face didn’t register it. “March.” “March what?” “Fourth.” “How old are you turning?” “Forty-three.” Forty-three. I raised my eyebrows. Then processed the number again. If it weren’t for all the silver in his hair, he might look a lot younger. Then again, he looked exactly like the hottest forty-two-year-old I’d ever seen, and that was not a bad thing. Not by far. “What are you?” he asked out of nowhere. “Twenty-six?” I grinned at the same time he happened to glance down. “Thirty-three.” That amazing silver head jerked. “No, you’re not.”