Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others

by Judy Murphy

Assertiveness isn’t about being liked all the time, nor about making sure everyone is happy. It is about standing up for your right to be treated fairly.

Aggressiveness is defined by a lack of respect for others, while passiveness is defined by a lack of respect for one’s self. Passive people disregard their own opinions, feelings, needs, and wants. They have a habit of placing their desires below others.

“The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.”

To be an assertive communicator, you must stand on a strong foundation of self and have the view that you are a person worthy of respect.

The “Bill of Rights” of assertiveness, from Manuel J. Smith’s book When I Say No, I feel Guilty is a set of rules that gives you internal fortitude and serves as a reminder that you are worthy of respect. Shifting your mindset and using these rights as boundaries will allow you to assess your needs and wants calmly. It will help remove many of the passive feelings like guilt, doubt, and fear that can cause you to second-guess your decisions or actions:

Assertive Right 1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

Assertive Right 2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse t...

Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

Assertive Right 3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems.

Assertive Right 4: I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid.

Assertive Right 5: I have the right to say "I don't know."

Assertive Right 6: I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.

Assertive Right 7: I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them.

I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

Assertive Right 8: I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations and feelings. Logic generally deals with "black or white," "all or none," and "yes or no" issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.

Assertive Right 9: I have the right to say "I do...

Assertive Right 10: I have the right to say ...

Your body language determines how people will see you, and consequently, how they will treat to you.

You don’t get harmony when everybody sings the same note.—Doug Floyd

Too many of us fail to fulfill our needs because we say no rather than yes, yes when we should say no.—William Glasser

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. - Robert Kennedy

“Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.”