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Assertiveness isn’t about being liked all the time, nor about making sure everyone is happy. It is about standing up for your right to be treated fairly.
Aggressiveness is defined by a lack of respect for others, while passiveness is defined by a lack of respect for one’s self. Passive people disregard their own opinions, feelings, needs, and wants. They have a habit of placing their desires below others.
To know oneself, one should assert oneself.—Albert Camus
If you see yourself as not worthy of people’s time, they aren’t likely to listen to you when you do speak up. If you see yourself as better than someone else, you’re likely to discount their opinions and push your agenda right over theirs.
To be an assertive communicator, you must stand on a strong foundation of self and have the view that you are a person worthy of respect.
Assertive Right 1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.
Assertive Right 2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior.
Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.
Assertive Right 3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems.
Assertive Right 4: I have the right to change my mind.
Assertive Right 5: I have the right to say "I don't know."
Assertive Right 6: I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
Assertive Right 7: I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It
Assertive Right 8: I have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
Assertive Right 9: I have the right to say "I don't understand."
Assertive Right 10: I have the right to say "I don't care."
Negative self-talk creates a negative self-perception which hinders one’s ability to be assertive.
Your body language determines how people will see you, and consequently, how they will treat to you.
If you act insecure and shy, people will dismiss you and think you lack the merit to be taken seriously.
If you lack self-respect, it will show in your word choice and tone, and others will not likely give you the respect you crave. Talking the talk means using language effectively to explain your needs and wants to others in no-nonsense terms.
If you’ll take a deep breath and slow down while enunciating, it will have a calming effect on your mind and your speech pattern.
Assertive communication doesn’t use filler words; it uses direct, yet simple language such as “I feel” or “I want.”
when you escalate, remember to escalate only the conversation, not your tone or mood. You want to avoid becoming angry or aggressive.
The key is to remain calm and in control of your emotions and physical presence while focusing on being clear and concise with your words.
To summarize, begin with respect. You don’t want to come across as overly aggressive or overly passive. Next, develop a healthy self-perception. If you lack self-esteem, you will exert tremendous effort selling your assertiveness. Furthermore, maintain confident body language and voice tone. People respond to you positively if they perceive you positively. A positive perception is communicated through positive body language. These are the keys of effective, assertive communication.
It’s been said that “We always hurt the ones we love the most.” When someone loves you, there is an unwritten and unsaid rule that that person will be there for you and will take care of your needs. When your needs are not met, it is hurtful. Even though they love you, their love creates pain.
if you never communicate what was done wrong or what he or she should be doing right, that person will never know. Assertive, respectful communication prevents the hurtful situations caused by miscommunication and assures that each person has a chance to be heard, and more importantly, have his or her needs met.
assertive communication is about the other person’s perspective as well.
Each person is deserving of the respect inherent in assertive communication.
