Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

The pain still lingers. I remember how much it hurt just to look at him. He had always been the one to make me feel safe, but last night was different. It was as though he’d taken a knife and repeatedly plunged it into my chest. Each time I looked at him, the wound was reopened, the pain as fresh and raw as the first time. It was like death by a thousand cuts.

The words are on replay in my head as if they’re a new Taylor Swift song that I’m trying to memorize every line of.

Maybe that’s all we’d ever be— an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and never picked back up. Finished without an ending.

If it’s a painful moment, it will pass. If it’s a perfect moment, it will also pass.

How can two people go from not being able to get enough of each other to never wanting to speak again?

I was willing to do it whenever and wherever because I thought it would make him love me and I was desperate to not be alone. Spoiler alert: sex never makes someone love you.

“Here’s to the father, the son, and the tequila chilled.

I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.

“Babe,” she continued. “Stop losing your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.”

“But here’s the thing— you can’t wait for them. You can’t keep choosing someone who doesn’t choose you.”

Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

“Ethan?” I whisper. “Yeah?” “I think that maybe I would always let you come back,” I say softly. “Not that I would sit around waiting for you, but if you told me that you were ready and wanted me back, I’m not sure there’s anything that I wouldn’t drop for you.”

“Sometimes love stories aren’t epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love,”

Spend time getting to know who you are, find new hobbies, fall back in love with old ones. For me, reading and therapy have helped a lot.

“There is so much more to life than finding someone who will want you or being sad over someone who doesn’t,” is a quote from Emery Allen that I keep finding myself referring back to, especially on those harder days. It’s a great reminder that our time here is limited, why waste it on someone who doesn’t want you around?