Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

What he didn’t see was that I was falling in love with him because I’d been trying to mask it.

No one talks about the morning after a breakup enough. Swollen eyes. Waking up— if you were lucky enough to sleep— wondering if it was just a nightmare. Realizing that it wasn’t. The pain in your heart re-appearing. No ‘good morning’ text. No ‘I’m sorry I fucked up’ voicemail. Nothing. That was your new reality. A cold bed, an empty stomach and an ache in your chest that you fear will never go away.

It scared me a little, how everything was falling into place.

That night I realized that losing someone doesn’t necessarily mean losing. Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

It’s funny how people don’t change. I mean, not really. He still has those same piercing brown eyes that somehow both comfort me and break my heart at the same time. When I stare into them, I see the

cotton candy skies that drenched the windows at the mountain house. I see streetlights glistening through the windshield on our drives over the bridge. His eyes make me feel like I’m back in those places, in those exact moments. I miss those moments. I miss him. Even now, when I’ve had enough time to get over him. How did we end up here?

Three words can change so much. Three words can make you completely forgive someone and forget why you were upset with them in the first place. Three words can make you feel like the most important person in the world.

I usually try to avoid looking back at photos of Ethan and I, but sometimes late at night after I’ve had a few glasses of wine, the heartbreak convinces me to scroll through the pictures that I can’t get myself to delete. Today it decides to strike mid-afternoon.

You know those little moments you long for in relationships? This was one of those. I always wanted someone to surprise me. Whether it was knocking on my door unannounced, sending flowers to my office just because, or showing up at a special event I wasn’t expecting them at.

“Why are you still doing this after all these years?” She seems frustrated. “What is it about him? It’s like he has some hold on you or something.”

“Sometimes it feels that way. This might sound crazy, but it feels like something is telling me to wait a little more. That one day soon something is going to happen. I know he still thinks about me and has feelings for me, I’m just waiting for him to be ready to act on them.”

Even though it feels like something between us is about to break, something within me feels somewhat at peace.

Losing Ethan made me realize that I didn’t mourn the memories of him. I mourned the idea of him that I created. I mourned the future I built in my head using our best moments. I mourned the potential I saw in him, and the life that I saw for us.

I met Blake through a co-worker just over a month ago. We went on one date and have basically just been hooking up since then. We have chemistry but I’m not sure it’s romantic at all with him. He’s great to look at and have sex with though— piercing blue eyes, brownish-blonde hair, and abs that make me never want to eat again. Blake is my meantime guy. He’s good for now but not forever.

Even though he’s great to look at, his presence is still slightly annoying.