Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

The words are on replay in my head as if they’re a new Taylor Swift song that I’m trying to memorize every line of.

Alright so far so good.

Maybe that’s all we’ll ever be— an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and never picked back up. Finished without an ending.

How can two people go from not being able to get enough of each other to never wanting to speak again?

He made me feel at home.

Since the day that I met her, I’d thought about kissing Sloane every time that I saw her.

He wanted to hang out with me? He wanted to hang out with me!

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was holding my bare heart in his hands. I was so afraid of what he might do to it, but I also couldn’t wait to find out.

I liked the way the wine tasted on his tongue better than in my glass.

Screaming!!!!!!!

Then he kissed me like he wanted me to remember that kiss, like he never wanted me to forget him. As if he were easily forgettable. I imagine that I’ll never be able to forget him.

There was nothing that a hot shower and “All Too Well” couldn’t fix.

“Want me to fuck you like I missed you?” he whispered.

OH!?!?!?!

“But here’s the thing— you can’t wait for them.

we’re so young. Your person is out there and they’re going to be your person for the rest of your life. You won’t have to worry about this one foot in one-foot situation with them. They’re going to choose you and they’re going to stay. Forever.”

Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

This is so true!

It’s like looking at the stars knowing the person you’re missing shares the same sky as you,

I fully believe that for a relationship to last a lifetime, you both need to be infatuated with each other.

When will this happen to me.....

Three words can change so much. Three words can make you completely forgive someone and forget why you were upset with them in the first place. Three words can make you feel like the most important person in the world.

You know those little moments you long for in relationships? This was one of those. I always wanted someone to surprise me. Whether it was knocking on my door unannounced, sending flowers to my office just because, or showing up at a special event I wasn’t expecting them at.

One day, five years from now, if he were stopped on the street and asked to talk about the love of his life, what would he say? Presuming he was thinking about me, of course. Would he say that he’s never met anyone like me? That I make him feel like a different, better, version of himself? That he feels safe when he’s with me? I wonder if he’ll ever love me the way I love him. I wonder if he’s even capable of a love that deep.

Somehow, even though he’s the one that’s making me feel bad, he’s also the only one who can make me feel better.

Loving Ethan is hard to put into words. It’s a feeling of comfort and familiarity that I’m so worried I’ll never experience again. Maybe that’s why I can’t let go.

I mourned the idea of him that I created. I mourned the future I built in my head using our best moments. I mourned the potential I saw in him, and the life that I saw for us.

You can’t worry about other people’s timelines, none of us can, because they’ll always be different.

Instead, we both exist in the same room and act as though we’re strangers now.

Here’s the thing about unconditional love though— it isn’t one sided. It isn’t standing in someone’s doorway begging to be let in. It isn’t taking your heart out of your chest, bloody and beating, and handing it to someone to do whatever they want with it. Unconditional love is someone breaking down the cage of your ribs to get your heart and you trusting they’ll protect it just the same.

Call it what you want, but for me, it was love.