Hurt for Me

by Heather Levy

“I will, and I have before,” Viv said, “but he’s violated them so many times in the past.” “What do the police do when he violates them?” A sour expression crossed Viv’s face. “Not a goddamn thing.”

She wasn’t sure if there were any good men left in the world. Except for her dad, she reminded herself, but even he hurt her by leaving her alone with nowhere to go after he died.

It was easier to pretend everyone experienced the same thing so she wouldn’t feel alone.

Yes, she thought. If it meant killing a hundred men to save Katelyn Reid, Rae was sure the girl’s parents would be thankful.

Even before they were drugged, she knew she had sensed a connection with him from the moment they’d met, but she also knew attraction could be a flighty creature, especially in men.

She studied the feather tattoo on his right inner forearm. She hadn’t noticed before, but she saw the vanes of the feather contained two words cleverly disguised within the design:

“For Tula.” She ran her finger across the tattoo, wondering who Tula was, an...

She had been in so many compromising situations in her past where consent was nonexistent. Hell, most women have, but she could see this was a new experience for him. “We were drugged, so we can’t blame ourselves for what happened. We can talk about it more later if you want, but first we need to get my toy bag and get out of here before they find us.”

That’s what he’d meant then about her being someone important in his life. It wasn’t because he was interested in her; it was what she could do for him.

More and more, her anger at him lessened, but it was simmering under the surface. In any other circumstance, if someone betrayed her, she was done with them. She’d learned that skill the hard way with her mother. But she also knew vengeance could make a person do things they’d never dream of doing, like burning down a house. She couldn’t fault Dayton for wanting to avenge his cousin, but it didn’t mean she needed to be a part of it.

The more she thought about what had happened to Tula, the more she hated the idea of the same happening to Devon or the other women. If she could help, she would, especially since the police weren’t interested in doing their jobs. And she couldn’t shake the feeling of having a target on her back now.

“He never took my work seriously. He doesn’t believe women should dominate men at all, and he still thinks I’m secretly submissive.” Rae chuckled. “He obviously doesn’t know you then.”

“That’s the funny thing, hon,” Viv said. “If you’re told something often enough by someone you love, you start to believe it.

As she ran her pouf over her skin, she saw fingertip-size bruises on her body, mainly over her hips and thighs, and the memory of Dayton’s hands digging into her flesh as he thrust inside her, his throaty moan as he came hard, pulsed heat between her legs so powerful she felt like a newborn foal trying to stand upright for the first time.

Liking him didn’t mean she trusted him after he’d lied to her. And besides, they didn’t know much about each other.

There it was. She knew he was right, but hearing it felt like a hundred wasps stinging her chest at the same time.

No doubt, he’d threatened her, but instead of being afraid of him, she was angry. She was done with men making her and other women feel unsafe in the world.

“You did what you had to do,” he said like he was attempting to convince himself.

“No, Dayton. You don’t understand how difficult it would be because you didn’t experience it. I’m not going to put my family through that.”

He nodded, but he looked frustrated at her decision. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to figure out a way to make him pay for what he did.

“A student accused him of rape, but he wasn’t charged, and she dropped out. His parents made a sizable donation to the school that year.” His voice dripped with causticity. “Then he left soon after. Last I heard he was traveling the world.”

Besides, proving there wasn’t consent in something like this is going to be hard as hell.”

She didn’t want him to be the first to pull away, so she did.

The sex was rougher than how she remembered it. In the moment, it had felt like they were in their own two-person orchestra, each an instrument they knew how to play together in perfect accord. Watching now, it was much more primal, like two animals wanting to devour each other. She couldn’t look away, not until the video abruptly ended

They stood in her entryway, a pregnant silence heavy between them as they stared at each other. She realized she was wearing her old, oversize Betty Boop nightshirt, possibly the most unattractive piece of clothing she owned, and she cringed internally.

Then he smirked. “You really do like it, don’t you? Giving pain.” “You have no idea how much.” He moved her hand back to the bite mark. “You didn’t ask first. Do you want to hurt me?” There was no point in lying. “Yes.”

Dayton pressed his lips to hers as he slowly sank into her, her body still vibrating with the aftershocks of the earthquake he had left in her. Yes, it was a bad idea. And she couldn’t have cared less.

they also probably know I can’t do much with it, so I think their warning was just that. A warning.” Rae didn’t agree. If there was one thing she knew about powerful men, it was that they enjoyed swinging their dicks around, displaying their authority however they could.

“No offense, but your mom sounds like an awful bitch.” “No offense taken,” Rae said. “You know, after she left my dad and me, I asked her why. And she told me, ‘When you want something bad enough, you need to pay the consequence.’ So, I guess a new life was what she wanted, and leaving me behind was the consequence.”

That kind of pain was evergreen.

She knew it wasn’t uncommon for people to overdose from fentanyl, but it reminded her too much of the Santa Monica house, how Clint and Bobby would keep her and the other women under control with small doses of something similar unless they proved themselves no longer profitable or manageable.

“He seems nice. And he doesn’t seem like a crazy person. So, I guess it’s okay if you go out with him as long as he’s good to you.” “Thank you for the permission, Your Highness.” Rae looked at Lily, but she was now scrolling through her phone.

Before the paramedics had checked her over, ensuring she and Lily were okay, Rae had slipped the watch onto her slender wrist, surprisingly comforted by its slight weight, like it contained a miniature version of Viv’s heart, beating and still alive.

The group was run by mostly wealthy white men who held parties all over the country and distributed videos of BDSM-type torture and sexual abuse for high dollar amounts. If people had enough money, they could attend the parties in person.

“I don’t want you to think I’m not open to new things, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t uneasy about what you do. About what you like. But it also intrigues me. The idea of giving up control to someone else.” “It takes a lot of trust on both sides.” He took her hand. “I hope you know you can trust me.”

trying to kiss her, and the teacher ignored her pleas to make him stop. Rae let out an odd, guttural laugh. A crazy person’s laugh. No girl was safe in this world, not even a little girl trying to learn ballet. And now she knew, no matter what, she couldn’t escape her past, and it would drag down Lily too. The laugh turned into her sobbing into her arm.

“Really? No expectations?” “Okay, maybe I did. But I don’t want you to think this is only about sex for me, and I don’t want you to feel pressured.” “Maybe I like pressure, especially if it’s done right.”

She had imagined this scenario many times, him on his knees in supplication, begging her to allow him to touch her. He wasn’t exactly begging, but his eyes were. It was a subtle shift in power, one she knew he was offering to her like a tentative gift. She took it from him, and the swell of control made her forget about why she was at his home to begin with.

It was a truth she’d never spoken aloud, and hearing it made her feel like one of her Shibari ropes slowly fraying. All these years, all the progress she thought she had made to heal from her past, but she still held her trust of men in a cage she was scared to fully open.

To her surprise, he showed. And the way he was slamming shot after shot, it was like he wanted to escape himself. She didn’t question it too much because she was doing the same. In some ways, she liked seeing the looser side of him.

“Why do so many men want to hurt women?” She didn’t say it because she expected an answer. It was only a question she had asked herself many times, and it fell easily from her lips. “Because it’s easier for men to take something than to earn it,” he said after a moment. “Men are taught to take things because it shows they’re powerful. And a man without power is nothing in our society.”

The way he was looking at her, shame wrapped its claws around her heart. It quickly turned to rage. “What does that mean? That because I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do by men who wanted to feel powerful, I don’t get to have power myself? I don’t get to take back what they stole from me by enjoying anything to

do with sex, especially if I make money from it?” She swiped her hand across her eyes, brushing away tears.

They want me to tamper with the rape kit, make it unusable.”

Clint and the fire burned across her mind for a second. “To protect my family? I’d do anything and everything, but this is different. If you do this, you’re taking away possible justice for a rape survivor.”

He was quiet for a moment. “It would change the core of who I am as a person. How do I move forward from something like that?”

whenever she questioned those gray areas of herself: Are you going to let this turn you into the kind of monsters you escaped from? “You learn how to live with the new version of yourself.”

When Rae opened the front door, Dayton looked like a glass vase perched on the edge of a table, waiting for the slightest brush to knock him over.

Holding Lily felt like holding a dream made tangible. Like she had accomplished the most important thing she’d ever do in life, and it was exhilarating but also terrifying. She thought of her mother, of whether she’d felt the same way holding her after she was born, so full of love. A love that wasn’t enough. She kissed Lily’s head, and she couldn’t imagine ever abandoning her.

Pearson turned to Clint and pointed to a table full of various implements—paddles, canes, whips. “You have the first go. Do whatever you like. Beat her, fuck her. I don’t care.”