Autistic State of Mind: The chaotic symphony of a late-diagnosed woman's mind

by Kayla Francis

One of my biggest triggers whenever I told someone that I thought I was autistic or even after being diagnosed is, “yeah, but you’re so smart.”

You wouldn’t ask a person on crutches to run a mile.

Since I was diagnosed, I struggle with feeling like I am “more autistic”. The awareness and validation make the autism feel… more intense, for lack of better words. I’m still working to process that the “more autism” is actually just me accommodating my limits, sensitivities, and overall needs that have been suppressed my entire life.

But it wasn’t ever the loss of the person or relationship that made me feel empty and depressed— it was the loss of myself that went with them.

You like me because I made myself fit what you like.

It’s just heavy sometimes.

Looking at things differently is how we add more color to the world.

I’m giving everything I have, and it still isn’t enough sometimes. It’s exhausting.