Autistic State of Mind: The chaotic symphony of a late-diagnosed woman's mind

by Kayla Francis

I suffer from living in a neurotypical world that consistently tries to change, erase, or “cure” me in order to conform to its societal norms.

I know I should be doing something different, but I am stuck doing nothing or continuing to do something else. It is like this magnetic force that keeps me locked in that state until I force myself to pull away.

If I am making direct eye contact with the presenter, 9 times out of 10 I will not retain anything. My brain becomes so focused on facial expressions and body language that it’s almost as if my ears turn off.

I will remember what we both wore the day we met, what day of the week it was, what the weather was like, how I felt about everything going on around me, which booth we sat in for lunch, how the drink I ordered tasted, what we both ate, how much the bill was, the temperature inside my car when I got into it as I left, what I thought about driving home, what songs played on the radio, where I took my shoes off once I got home, and what we talked about in the first conversation after meeting in person. I won’t remember to text you back, but I will always remember everything about how you came into my life.

My empathy is very inconsistent and inconvenient. I either feel it too much or not at all— none of which are at the appropriate time.

I love routine. It keeps me safe. After some time, I get very bored and seek extreme change to create the excitement that my ADHD craves. My brain then gets overwhelmed with so much new excitement that I get overstimulated and immediately seek routine again. It’s a strange cycle of events.

It’s weird that I can completely transform my personality to mirror the environment around me, yet if I directly tell a lie, it’s all I think about for the next five years.

If somebody asks me to do something that I was already going to do, I immediately want nothing to do with that thing any longer.

I hear everything all at once. I mean that in the most literal way possible.

I swear, I sound so smart in my head. The thoughts, ideas, and explanations are perfectly organized. When I go to open my mouth to speak those into existence, it looks nothing like that.

Hobbies are so interesting. I will spend $500 on all of the supplies to do a new project. I teach myself, I fail, I overcome, I complete, and then I never touch it again.

If there is one autistic stereotype that I completely identify with, it’s chicken nuggets.

I’m really bad at receiving gifts. I prefer not to receive them at all, actually. I sometimes react poorly because I need time to process how I feel about it before I can externally express it. Other times, I look disappointed because the gift is slightly different from what I communicated when asked what I was looking for. I research everything, so if you ask me for ideas on things I would want, I am going to send you the items exactly as I would want them. I will provide different options so you don’t have only one, but I will not want a different variation of a single idea. I’ll appreciate it, yes. But I can’t help but be confused about why I received something slightly different if I did my part in researching and provided details on my preferences. I’m not rude or unappreciative. I am just confused.

confrontation No, thanks.

I have an incessant need to plan and prepare for everything I do. Most of this planning is internal, so not many people can tell that any planning occurred. I do this to protect myself from overwhelm when something unexpected happens. But, as with most things in life, the unexpected is going to happen regardless. My planning comes off as controlling in a lot of situations. For example, I don’t like others to clean my house, be the driver when we go somewhere, or plan out surprises for me. I promise, I am not trying to control you. I am simply trying to control myself.

Many people don’t understand how many important details are left out of instructions. Gaining clarification doesn’t mean I don’t understand or I misheard; it just provides certainty, which reduces misinterpretation and anxiety.

When I experience a shutdown, I tend to be unresponsive and non-verbal. I have an overwhelming need to physically leave the location that triggered the shutdown. I immediately feel unsafe and panic until I am able to remove myself. The shutdowns can last from an hour to a few days, but I typically experience them for 1-3 hours when they happen.