When I Think of You

by Myah Ariel

Back then, I was chasing myself—so obsessed with who I wanted to be that I missed the chance to get to know who I was in the moment. I still miss that girl. But I wouldn’t want to be her again.

My face heats. “I wasn’t sure if you still went for a Red Eye,” I murmur, more than a little embarrassed. Remembering Danny’s coffee order after all these years feels like I’ve just hired a plane to etch I’M NOT OVER YOU in the sky.

My mom had left me with my grandparents when I was ten, which started a cycle of mutual overcompensation—theirs, to show me the kind of parental love I’d long missed out on, and mine, to prove myself worthy of it.

“Because he’s your mirror,” I say. “You see him, and all your wants and desires reflect back at you. Then, when he inevitably falls short of your high expectations, it’s not just him you’re disappointed in, it’s also yourself, for misplacing all that hope.”

Got damn that’s one hell of a gut punch disguised as a fucking line

Someone had to be the collateral damage on his journey of self-improvement. And I guess that someone was me.

“But one conversation with you left me feeling like I’d lived my whole life just sniffing air, not really breathing it. Not like you. I wanted to be like that—I wanted to be with someone like that. But I didn’t know how.”

I’m half appalled that her father is such a controlling hard-ass and half inclined to tell her these are platinum white-girl problems.

I see now what I was too pure to see then—what Danny had told me in no uncertain words. Love was pain to him, nothing more, nothing less. So the only thing inevitable about us was heartbreak.

So, my confession . . . You know that feeling when a song comes on the radio that you haven’t heard in years, and instantly, it’s your favorite song all over again? That’s you.

Because when all is said and done, you are perfect to me. And I am ready to stop pretending that getting along fine will suffice in the place of perfect.

Because when you’ve finally found what you’ve always wanted, that’s when things get scary. So, she’ll go to sleep, and figure out the rest tomorrow.

Truth is, I didn’t free-fall into love with Danny Prescott. I jumped headfirst and tumbled my way here. And even after all those cuts and bruises, I’m still falling, wondering if maybe this time we can land together.

“You can touch me anywhere, everywhere. I want everything I can get from you.”

His vibe had always leaned more toward whispers sweet nothings while caressing you softly than rips off your panties and fucks you from behind against the wall. But now I’m thinking maybe he’s a little bit of both, which is the best kind of combo there is.

“What will it take for you to believe me when I say I remember everything about you, Kal?”

Don’t confuse history with mere memories of the way things made you feel.

I can’t let myself fall for Danny again until I understand why he didn’t catch me the first time.

“Never too much,” I manage to pant out. “That’s my girl,” he groans.

We need to talk. SCHOOL DAZE: Gathered that. You gonna tell me what we need to talk about?

She’s to smart to be this dumb. Call me asap would have be better than we need to talk like girl WTFuck?

When he died so suddenly, it was like she had to carry all the love they’d built together on her own.

“I was wrong. You were never the center,” I say. “You were the gravity.”

“Kaliya Elise Wilson, my love for you is far too great for me alone. Will you do me the honor of helping me carry it for the rest of my life? Will you marry me?”