When I Think of You

by Myah Ariel

Like gum, they always come in a pack. And because I’m of no use to them at the moment, they dodge me like a speed bump in an empty parking lot.

Moments into my listening, he’s just yanked out her tampon so they can do the deed and I’ve crossed my legs in shock.

This is absolutely wild 😂😂

Back then, I was chasing myself—so obsessed with who I wanted to be that I missed the chance to get to know who I was in the moment. I still miss that girl. But I wouldn’t want to be her again.

The good stuff’s in front of you waiting to be experienced with the guy who is your actual person. Because with the right guy, none of it ends like this.”

“Because he’s your mirror,” I say. “You see him, and all your wants and desires reflect back at you. Then, when he inevitably falls short of your high expectations, it’s not just him you’re disappointed in, it’s also yourself, for misplacing all that hope.”

Someone had to be the collateral damage on his journey of self-improvement. And I guess that someone was me.

Felt. It always sucks being the one who gets the worst version of someone. And then seeing them treat another woman better 🥲

“But one conversation with you left me feeling like I’d lived my whole life just sniffing air, not really breathing it. Not like you. I wanted to be like that—I wanted to be with someone like that. But I didn’t know how.”

If I’m honest with myself, holding on to all that stuff after all this time feels like a choice. Like in doing so, I’m choosing to be weighed down. Now is as good an opportunity as ever to stop being a bag lady. Someone who hoards all her trauma and drama, packing it away in various bags for safekeeping. Carrying them along with her everywhere she goes so she can unfurl them from time to time, if only just to admire all her problems. It’s time to move on.

“I’m not in a position to not take it personally when I’m repeatedly overlooked and disrespected by the people in positions to either help or hurt my career. It’s a privilege to not care about how those in power perceive you and treat you.

I should have known that he’d be the Michael B. Jordan of double Dutch.

You don’t just feel love, it’s a state of being. Like breathing. You don’t think about it, you just do it. When you’re in love with someone, it changes you.”

You know that feeling when a song comes on the radio that you haven’t heard in years, and instantly, it’s your favorite song all over again? That’s you. You have been my favorite song

Truth is, I didn’t free-fall into love with Danny Prescott. I jumped headfirst and tumbled my way here. And even after all those cuts and bruises, I’m still falling, wondering if maybe this time we can land together.

After all, an HEA might be guaranteed in a romance novel, but it’s a crapshoot in the streets.

I would wager a month’s pay that when used in a sentence, in that order, the words we, need, to, and talk have never inspired anything but cyclical thoughts of dread. The thing to be talked about is hardly ever “good” news.

Don’t confuse history with mere memories of the way things made you feel.

It’s especially insulting to me as a woman of color, a Black woman, who has to work three times harder than everyone else to even be seen. Not to mention to be listened to, valued, paid, and promoted.”

“You know my feelings for him are like glitter. You think you’ve swept it all up, but when you look in the mirror it’s in your hair and all over your face.”

Like he’s done what I can’t even bear to imagine, that he’s moved on.

Girl Bella JUST said he can’t stop asking about you. You think that means he moved on??? 🙄

Back in college, I made the mistake of deciding that Danny was perfect. Then, when the cracks of his humanity started to show, I couldn’t reconcile the real Danny with the perfect image I’d drawn in my mind.

“I was wrong. You were never the center,” I say. “You were the gravity.”

Well, I’ve lost you more than once in my life and still, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because finding you, again and again, makes everything else worth it.” He swallows thickly as tears stream down both our faces. “Kaliya Elise Wilson, my love for you is far too great for me alone. Will you do me the honor of helping me carry it for the rest of my life? Will you marry me?”