The Throne of Broken Gods (Gods & Monsters, #2)

by Amber V. Nicole

“You weren’t planning to come back to me at all, were you?” I heard the pain in his voice, and a part of me ached, but I knew it had been the only choice. He deserved so much better. “No.” He nodded and turned away. “You would have been happy,” I said to his retreating back. “If you would have just let me go and kept your warriors out of my way. This would have been over, and you could have made this damned castle for your rightful queen.” Samkiel glanced at me over his shoulder, a small glow of silver dancing behind his storm-filled eyes. “You’re a fool if you think I would be happy in a world where you did not exist.”

“This is the safest place for you right now. No matter how much you despise me, I will not have you rotting in a cell. I couldn’t bear it. So I will give you your space while I try to figure everything else out.”

My eyes caught on the blanket draped over the end of the long lounge couch. A glass sat on the side table, and a stack of books rested on the floor within easy reach. Samkiel had been sleeping down here. I looked up, remembering the layout of the second level. This spot was right below the bed I’d slept in. If I had made even the slightest sound, he would have heard. My chest tightened, some flicker of emotion trying to claw its way through my shields.

“Depends if you’re going to disrobe in front of me again.” “Depends if you’re nice or not.” He lifted a brow. “I would suggest not.” My eyes narrowed on him as he continued to eat. “I am going to be perfectly clear with you. My feelings for you have not changed since Chasin, regardless of yours. Teasing is not fun for me. Do not do it again unless you wish for a different outcome.”

“And what outcome would that be, oh annoying one?” “I told you before I would show you eight ways to make you forget that hideous friend word. Tease me again, and I shall show you twelve, and after your little display, we’ll start in the bathroom,” he said, taking another bite. I watched as his lips closed over the fork.

“He’s so soft. His fur feels like feathers.” Samkiel watched me with a smile. “They are ancient. On Rashearim, they represented strength and power. The Lorveg stag was my mother’s symbol.”

“You sent the god king away. I wished to see if you had truly withdrawn back into yourself.” “Why? Did he say something?” I heard the hitch in my voice. Roccurem just glanced at me. Folding his hands in front of himself. “Guilt like grief is such a heavy burden to carry.” “What?” “Samkiel, unlike Kaden, respects your wishes and listens to your words. So, when you say you don’t need him and prefer he stays away, he listens. Even if you did not mean to be so cruel.”

“How did you get out?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. Xavier half shrugged as if he hadn’t just revealed a wound on his soul. “Samkiel saved me. He found me down there when Kryella brought the rest of the gods. He wasn’t king at that time, still learning from Unir. The others wanted to evacuate the village. They thought we had all died, but he didn’t give up looking. He’s stubborn and never gives up, as I am sure you have discovered. He saved me, and as soon as he was ready for his own guard, I didn’t hesitate to offer. I’d follow him anywhere. We all would, and I think you would, too.”

“Samkiel is also the only reason I haven’t cut your head off after making Xavier relive that with the dream eaters,” Cameron said it nonchalantly, but his eyes bore into mine.

“Your life means nothing to you. I get it. You have told me and shown me often enough. Fine, but what about the people it does matter to? What about those that do care about you? Have you thought of that? Are you that damned selfish you think of no one else now?” My mouth fell open. “How dare you?” “How dare I? How dare you! You are not innocent in this. Do not pretend that my feelings were ever one-sided. You were there with me every step of the way through Onuna and every godsdamn place you dragged me. What about me? You may be replaceable to Kaden and his ilk, but you are not to me.”

“It was not anger that I felt. It was fear.” “Fear?” “Yes, fear because when I learned of where you were and what was happening, I realized there is no limit to what I am willing to do for you. The old gods spoke of how powerful we all are and how our emotions can override the critical part of our brains. We trained religiously to ensure the realms, the people, come before all else. We cannot be selfish, but I fear that with you, it is not something I can control. When Vincent told me what was happening, I knew I would rip Onuna to pieces for you. If Kaden had taken you, I would turn mountains to sand to find you. I’ve reduced worlds to desolate wastes before, and I’d do it again for you.”

“Kaden was my first.” I glanced up at Samkiel, wanting to gauge his reaction, but I saw only curiosity. “First?” I shrugged. “Not my first kiss but my first everything else.” Realization flared in his eyes, and he nodded. “Oh.”

“Gods, Dianna, why is it so hard for you to believe that someone just genuinely cares about you?” “Because they don’t!” I shouted, my voice breaking. “They don’t. I have lived a thousand years as someone’s weapon, someone’s thing. Everyone wants something from me, and the only person in the whole world who didn’t is dead!” My chest heaved, a dam threatening to break tenfold. There it was—the brutal, agonizing truth. “You’re wrong.” His voice was like cold, hard steel. “She was not the only one. But you are also right that I do want something from you. I want you to be happy, healthy, and alive. I want the best for you because gods know you deserve it after every fucking thing you’ve been through. One day I want you to smile again, really smile. I want to help you heal as you helped me.”

“How could you?” “Because I will not have you hate a memory so precious to you as my father did.” Shock made me pause, my tears drying up as I stared up at him. “What?” “He burned gardens after my mother died. Anything she loved was gone. He shut down the estate and moved us away, locking away every single memory of her, growing cold, bitter, and merciless. Although he said he never did, he forgot about her. He erased her, and I will not let you suffer the same fate. Grieving is another form of love, Dianna. Do not unlove her by burying it. I know it hurts, it's beyond painful, but if you bury her memory, you erase her. So I need you to feel. I do not care if you snap at me or call me vicious names as long as you get it out. Holding it in is only poisoning you. I will not have you destroy yourself from the inside out. I refuse.”

“I can’t,” I whispered. My heart felt like it was rupturing, sorrow threatening to drown me. “You can. You will.” He took a step back and held out his hand. “And not alone.” I looked at his outstretched hand. Those two simple words. Not alone. “No one was there for me after I lost my father, my world. Not until you. I don’t want you to go through this alone. It won’t be easy, and there will be days you will feel like you don’t want to get out of bed, but I want to be there for you. Every day if you will let me.”

“The ocean and the beach hold such happy memories with Gabby. Ones I wish for you to keep. She loved you so much, Dianna. She would never want a memory of her to hurt you, and neither do I. Trust that I will protect you, every part, and I will do everything I can to keep you from being hurt as long as I exist. I promise.”

“No one comes here. It’s yours if you wish it.” “A whole beach?” I shook my head. “You’d give me a whole beach?” “The world, if you wish.”

“I need to paint my toenails. It’s all chipped polish now.” “What color?” I shrugged, keeping my gaze on my feet, afraid to look up. “What’s your favorite?” He chuckled and made a deep humming noise in his throat. “Hmm, I like red.” “Flirt.” I smiled up at him, tucking back the few strands of hair the wind tried to claim. “Red it is, then.”

“To be loved by the great Dianna would be a gift beyond imagining. Anyone to receive your love and be claimed by you would be lucky.”

“While your anger is a force that may frighten lesser men, it does not scare me. I told you, you never scared me. I have only been afraid for you, not of you.

“I just don’t understand why you still care. Why do you still like me after everything I’ve done? Why do you still want me? It just doesn’t make sense, Samkiel.” He caught my gaze and held it. His eyes were soft and warm, and I swore he was staring into my soul. “I’d be a liar if I said I did not still have feelings for the woman who ripped her heart out to save me, her sister, and the world. The one who will risk everything for someone she cares about without ever thinking of herself. The one who likes loud music and overly sweetened treats and shares everything with me. The woman who ties promises to her small finger. The one who pretends she hates happy movies because she doesn’t think she can ever have her own happy ending. The woman who wields and breathes fire on a whim and loves flowers even when she tries to deny it. I have seen the best of you, Dianna, and now I have seen the worst. I am not leaving. You do not scare me.”

he looked at me as if he would rip the world to pieces for me, and I knew I would do so much worse for him.

I couldn’t resist teasing him. “I promise not to wake you up with my mouth in the morning. You obviously need your beauty sleep.” The muffled laugh he let out was downright devious. “I assure you if you're ever feeling generous, you always have my permission.”

“Samkiel?” “Hm?” I swallowed the growing lump in my throat. “Can you promise to come back? It’s just better when you are here. Even if we are fighting.” It was silent for a moment, and I was afraid he’d fallen asleep. Then I heard his hand slide across the bed and felt his finger wrap around mine. “Pinky promise.”

He kept his finger interlocked with mine under the pillow between us. My eyes closed, and for the first time in a really long while, I fell asleep without fear of what dreams I would have. I just slept and rested, but I could have sworn in the middle of the night we moved, could have sworn his hands wrapped around my waist, and he pulled me to him, my body fitting against his as if I were made for him. I could have sworn he had held me, and for once, it didn’t feel like my entire world was broken.

“Has anyone told you the smelling thing is fucking weird?” “Plenty of people.” Xavier chuckled. “Solo activities, Dianna? Tsk, tsk. You know, gods are very possessive. Samkiel would be oh so very hurt if he learned you’d rather take care of yourself than let him.”

“You do realize we aren’t the same red-blooded males from Onuna, right? His pride would be wounded. He already thinks you want nothing to do with him. I mean, I doubt he’ll come back once he finds out, and we have a council meeting tomorrow, so then he’ll be gone even longer. You know those take a while, but then that would be fine with you, right? Not like you care anyway.”

“Samkiel brought me here the other day. The ocean, the beach, is still hard for me, but he’s⁠—” “Stubborn.” I laughed and took another bite. “Very.” “He was like that on Rashearim. The gods hated it because it meant he didn’t listen to them. Especially when he first found all of us. It’s like talking to a brick wall once he has his mind set on something,” she paused, “or his heart.”

“In my head, you’re up there watching me, watching this. Every time I smile, I feel guilty, so I lash out at everything and everyone. It hurts because you are gone, and I can’t share any of this with you. I read your note, and I know you wanted me to just move on, but it’s so hard, Gabs. It’s very hard, but they do help. They do. He does. And it makes me feel worse because being happy without you here is….” My eyes stung, and I closed them to hold back the tears. “I guess what I am saying is I want to be happy again too, and it doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you or anything we have been through. It just means it will hurt a little less when I think about the life I used to have. He makes me happy, and I don’t feel so alone when I am with them, and I’m… I’m sorry.”

“Why did my father lock you away? Was it for your safety, or was he using you for something else?” I asked, holding his gaze. “You ask questions as if you don’t trust the one who made you.” “I ask questions because it is possible I already know the answers, and I want to see if you would lie to me.” The mist near Roccurem shifted, bent as if he were preparing to leave. Or maybe a fate could feel anger. “Your father saved me from one who was very unkind. One who slaughtered and manipulated my brethren for their gain. Locked away is a mortal term meaning confinement. He protected me as he has done for you and many others. I owe him a debt, and I intend to pay it.” I sat up straighter. “What debt?”

“What are you avoiding?” Logan ignored me and persisted. I sighed and finished chewing before saying, “I am wondering how important this prison world is to Kaden. Was he just a prisoner there? He has probably been hiding there for eons, making weapons and plans. If he is waiting to end me, that means it probably requires a ritual. It would only make sense since it took a ritual involving me to seal the realms. Thus, one would be required to open them. And rituals, no matter the kind, require sacrifices or major celestial events. Perhaps he is waiting for that.”

“That’s great reasoning and all, but I’m talking about the other thing that has your leg twitching under the table fast enough to shake the floor.” I shot him a glare. “It’s nothing.” “Samkiel.” “I mean, it’s probably nothing. I have a tendency to overthink a lot of issues.” “Samkiel,” he said again, his tone changing. He would not drop this, and the truth was, I needed to talk about it. I was overthinking it, and maybe if I said it aloud, I could gain some clarity. I put my fork down and folded my hands in front of me. “It’s Dianna.” “Is she okay? Have her powers returned?” “No.” I raised my hand, scratching at the back of my head. “She wishes to spend time with me. Just us. She requested a day, and she has made it clear that some of her feelings have returned for me.” “Ah.” Logan smiled widely. “So that’s why you reek of nerves? I knew it wasn’t the colossal monster in a secret prison dimension. Dianna is the only thing that has ever made you sweat like this.”

“I think I am overthinking it. Before Dianna either tried to kill me or we were arguing, but she has started to open up more regarding her trauma. Which is what I wish, but then sometimes she looks at me in such a way that I cannot breathe. It’s as if all the air is sucked from my lungs. She brushes her hand across my chest or lays her head on my shoulder, and I feel something so much more than desire. Before Gabby died, there were glimpses of this, but it was just an idea. Now… this feels like a true beginning. As if my feet have been placed on a path, and if I take the next step, there will be no going back. I don’t know. I am overthinking.”

“What if you’re wrong, and I am just seeing what I want to see? What if it isn’t real, Logan?” I mumbled against the table. Logan’s laugh only made my nerves more erratic. “They wrote war songs about you. Men and beasts alike would piss themselves if you stepped on a battlefield, and now the great and fearsome World Ender is afraid of a date.”

Samkiel was just a boy in love with a girl. I knew it, even if they hadn’t said it. Or, like her, denied it. I could feel it dancing across my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Love was nothing but magic in its purest form.

Logan stepped back, his expression hard. “I am surprised Dianna let you live after what you did.” “You care about her.” “She is my queen.” “What?” The word left my lips on a gasp. “If Samkiel so chooses, she will be. But she is also more than that.” Logan took me by the arm and led me to the door. “She saved my life twice and made it possible for me to rescue my wife from Yejedin. So, to say that I care for her doesn’t even begin to express what I feel for Dianna. She’s family now, whether or not she knows it. So let’s get you fed, and this day started, and maybe, just maybe, it will work long enough that they can have one day of peace together.” A smile teased at the edges of my lips. Maybe in the cruelest way, Dianna had gotten the one thing she so desperately craved—a family.

“Just let me stab him. Once.” “Dianna.” He said my name as a warning. “Look, I know killing Kaden won’t make it better or bring her back, but it would be done at my hands, and that would give me some solace. A way for me to feel like I wasn’t a complete failure when it came to her.” His eyes bore into me as he contemplated that for a moment. “Fine.” “That’s it? You’ll let me.” He picked up his spoon and took another bite. “Sure. You may deliver your final blow once I am done with him. I’ll make sure I’ve incapacitated enough that he cannot hurt you if your powers are not back. Will that suffice?” My lips twisted in a smirk. “You’re cute when you’re homicidal.”

“I hurt you, punishing you for someone else’s mistakes, and I’m sorry. I couldn’t push Gabby away, but I can you. It wasn’t fair. I just,” I paused, forcing out the words that broke my heart, “I just didn’t want to stick you with a horrible life, too.”

“Dianna,” he paused, seeming to gather his words, “there is no life with you in it that would be horrible. Horrible is living without you.”

“Logan?” I scoffed. “You’re thinking of Logan while I kiss you?” “No!” he practically shouted. “He said the next time I was with you, I needed to clarify my intentions. You left me so easily the last time I was this close to you, Dianna. I cannot do that again. I refuse to risk losing you. We will not do this without you knowing what it means.” He held my gaze, and I could see his tightly contained hunger. My heart pounded. That’s what this was? “I need you to understand what you’re doing. What you are asking for. I know what I said before about you using me, but I lied. The second I touch you, once I take you completely, there will be no other. I will not share you. There will be no other lovers. I am not Kaden. I will demand you and only you. Do you understand? You mean too much to me. If we do this, you are mine, and I will not share you.” My breathing quickened, matching my racing heart. Samkiel didn’t hate me. He just wanted to make it clear what we were about to do because I meant something to him.

“You deserve to be worshiped like the goddess you are,” he said, pressing another kiss to my brow. “I’m not a goddess.” “You are mine.”

“I do not want a quick fuck from you, Dianna. I am very serious about my intentions.” His hand cupped my chin, tilting it up. “I will take my time with you, but if at any point you wish to stop, tell me. Do you understand?” he whispered, his breath warm against my ear.

“Sami.” The nickname left my lips on a strangled moan of protest. I stared up at him pleadingly, not caring how I sounded. “Sami?” Male satisfaction filled his smile. “Call me that once more.” “Make me come, and I will.” “Not yet.” Samkiel cupped my jaw, the kiss he gave me brief and rough. He pulled back just enough to whisper against my lips. “The first time you come, I want it to be on my tongue.”

“Impatient, are we?” “Gods above, if I had my powers right now, I’d incinerate you for teasing me.” I looked down at him. “There’s my girl,” he growled,

“That’s my girl,” Samkiel groaned against my clit. “Come for me.”

He was hard against my palm but slippery with a thin coat of moisture. Had he already come? My eyes met his, confusion furrowing my brow. Samkiel pushed me onto my back and slipped his pants down over his hips. He leaned over me and kicked them off. “I could come a thousand times over listening to you beg and those naughty little sounds you make.” My breath hitched, and I parted my thighs wide, cradling him as he settled atop me. “And I plan to.”

“Tell me you want me.” My voice came out in a breathless whisper, my fingers digging into the thick muscles of his arms. He rested his forehead against mine. “I always want you.” “Tell me you need me.” I needed to hear and feel it, and I didn’t care how it made me sound or if it made me weak. I was so tired of being used. Being unwanted. Being alone. “Always.” He panted. “I can barely breathe without you, Dianna.”

“I used to dream of what my destiny would be, my future. Everyone has an amata. It was written before the universe had form.” He rose above me, his hand cupping my jaw, his thumb running across my cheek. “You are very special to me. No one feels like you. No one else can ruin me so completely. I know without a doubt that if I had an amata, even if they were alive today, I’d still choose you. It will always be you, Dianna.” I felt tears prick my eyes. “Destiny be damned?” “You are better than any destiny.”

“The god king is preoccupied at the moment with matters that must be attended to,” Roccurem interrupted.

“Is he having sex with Dianna?” Roccurem’s six eyes popped open, all white and opaque, surprised at my bluntness. He recovered quickly and closed all but two. “He is with your queen, yes.” Vincent dropped his head into his hands. “Oh, gods.” I laughed. “Please tell me that Vincent’s noise complaint, slash possible murder call from Onuna, was because of them. Please, Roccurem, give me this little speck of joy.” “I hate you,” Vincent groaned.