Martyr!

by Kaveh Akbar

“There’s no difference to the outside world between a good guy and a bad guy behaving like a good guy.

“Are you trying to kill a genocidal dictator?” The German tourists shifted uncomfortably.

“Twin Peaks?” Kareem asked, scrunching up his face. “Wow. So you’re one of those dudes. You drink IPAs too? You like to go hiking on the weekends?” Beethoven smiled: “I mean. Probably something insufferable like that, right? Maybe I’m really into turning people on to Infinite Jest. Or CrossFit. Or Tesla.” They both laughed again. Kareem said: “I don’t know, man. You seem like you’d be into DJ-ing or hacking Bitcoin. Or improv classes.”

“How much of the people’s kindness had to do with their own sense of responsibility, their obsession with their own goodness?

If the mortal sin of the suicide is greed, to hoard stillness and calm for yourself while dispersing your riotous internal pain among all those who survive you, then the mortal sin of the martyr must be pride, the vanity, the hubris to believe not only that your death could mean more than your living, but that your death could mean more than death itself—which, because it is inevitable, means nothing. —from BOOKOFMARTYRS.docx by Cyrus Shams