Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier

by Arthur C. Brooks

The humility to admit when we are wrong and to change our beliefs can lead us to make more friends and get happier.

For example, when you are sad, often the last thing you want to do is see others, but this is precisely what you should do.

When your ideas are threatened and you feel defensive, actively reject your instinct to defend yourself and become more open instead.

In a television interview after Samuelson was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1970, he gave his answer to the charge: “When events change, I change my mind. What do you do?”

The important thing for well-being is relationship satisfaction, and that depends on what social scientists call “companionate love”—stable affection, mutual understanding, and commitment.[43] Companionate love is a special category of friendship.

Based on the research, there are five ways to develop the deep friendship of companionate love that lasts. First, lighten up. Passionate love tends to be heavy—it is usually serious and unfunny. Good companionate love, which leads to rising happiness, is much lighter, because best friends bring out the lighter side in each other. They gently joke with each other and have fun together. Goof around together, like you do with any close friend.

Second, make the companionate love more about the two of you, and less about each individual. You shouldn’t be afraid of arguing, but you have to do it right. Researchers studying couples’ arguments have found that those who use “we words” when they fight are apt to have less cardiovascular arousal, fewer negative emotions, and higher marital satisfaction than those who use “me/you words.”[50]

Third, put your money on your team. Many couples act individualistically when it comes to their money—keeping separate bank accounts, for example. They usually think they are avoiding conflict, and perhaps they are, but they are also avoiding an opportunity to think and act as a team of friends. Indeed, scholars have demonstrated that couples who pool all their money tend to be happier and more likely to stay together.[51]

Fourth, treat your arguments like exercise.

For collaborative couples, conflict can be seen in the same way: it’s not fun in the moment, but it is an opportunity to solve inevitable problems collaboratively, which strengthens the relationship.[53] One way to do this is to schedule time to work through an issue, rather than treating it like an emotional emergency. Look at a disagreement as something we need to find time to fix,

Finally, make your companionate love exclusive. Romantic love makes most people happiest when it’s one-to-one, emotionally and sexually.

“Greater use of the internet was associated with declines in participants’ communication with family members in the household” and “declines in the size of their social circle,” the researchers wrote. More ominously, it led to “increases in [the participants’] depression and loneliness.”

Even if you aren’t in a job with that kind of extrinsic reward, set excellence goals for yourself, such as “I will make each of my customers feel special today.”

And this leads to the second, related intrinsic goal, which is service to others—the sense that your job is making the world a better place.

Earned success and service to others are easier in some jobs than in others. If, for example, you are in a profession you think is hurting others, service will be hard to achieve. That’s why a good rule of thumb is to look for a fundamental match between an employer’s values and your own. When people believe in the mission of their employer, they have a lot of intrinsic motivation for their work.[13]

If you enjoy calling your friend, don’t leave it for when you happen to have time—schedule it and stick to the plan. Treat your walks, prayer time, and gym sessions as if they were meetings with the president.

There’s nothing wrong with identifying strongly with your profession and being proud of your work. Professional excellence is a great virtue, and we have sought mightily to be excellent in what we do for a living, too. But there’s a danger lurking here. It is all too easy to lose your true self to a representation of yourself that is your job title or duties.

Just as social media encourages us to self-objectify physically, our work culture pushes us to self-objectify professionally.

Remember: You are your own CEO.

Make some friends who don’t see you as a professional object. Many professional self-objectifiers seek out others who admire them solely for their work accomplishments. This is quite natural, but it can easily become a barrier to the formation of real friendships, which we all need. By self-objectifying in your friendships, you can make it easier for your friends to objectify you.

In the famous Greek myth, Narcissus fell in love not with himself, but with the image of himself. And so it is when we professionally self-objectify: we learn to love the image of our successful selves, not ourselves as we truly are in life.

To get happier, you strive toward the goal of making your work meaningful.

In the words of the theologian and philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, I believe we’re spiritual beings having this human experience, and we’re all somehow linked to each other in nature, in what I think of as Life.

The psychologist Martin Seligman goes so far as to call our species Homo prospectus, meaning we naturally reside in the future.[15]

Some sources of unhappiness that lead to distraction and mind-wandering are fear, anxiety, neuroticism, and, of course, boredom.[17] Having a negative self-perception—feeling ashamed of yourself, for example—is also likely to lead to distraction from the here and now. Scholars have shown that people who suffered from a lot of shame tended to mind-wander considerably more than those who did not.[18]

According to US census data, 6.1 percent of the American population resided in urban areas in 1800; in 2000, 79 percent

In one study from 2015, researchers assigned people to walk in either nature or an urban setting for fifty minutes.[28] The nature walkers had lower anxiety, better mood, and better working memory. They were also much less likely to agree with statements such as “I often reflect on episodes of my life that I should no longer concern myself with.”

Similarly, some small experiments have found that when people are in physical contact with the earth in ways as simple as walking barefoot outdoors—known as “earthing” or “grounding” the human body—their self-reported health and mood can improve. If you want to feel better, take your shoes off and spend the day outside; it might help.[33]

To enjoy love, you must love others and be loved by them.

If you walk the transcendental path, you will get happier, but only if getting happier is not your goal. Your goal must be seeking truth and the good of others.

Pay attention and manage what matters—the four fundamental pillars of family, friendship, work, and faith—by taking on the greatest challenges to each one.

There’s another kind of intelligence that comes later, called crystallized intelligence, which is an increasing knack for combining complex ideas, understanding what they mean, recognizing patterns, and teaching others.

The research on fluid and crystallized intelligence suggests that people should hold different roles throughout their lives that complement each type of smarts—but

Whenever you are wondering what to do in a particular situation—whether it’s big, like deciding to take a new job, or little, like letting someone into your lane in traffic—ask, “What is the most loving thing to do right now?” Armed with the knowledge you have gained in this book, you will never go wrong.