Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier

by Arthur C. Brooks

Hope involves personal agency, meaning it gives you a sense of power and motivation.

hope.

is an active choice.

Ibid Eger comments

To build a better world for others, you should be hopeful.

Tracks w/ Galloway’s Prof G work and others who advocate service to others as the path to purpose and happiness

imagine a better future, and detail what makes it so.

imagine yourself helping in some plausible way to bring about a better future, albeit at the micro level.

Avoid illusions of being the invincible savior; instead, imagine doing small, tangible acts.

One comprehensive study of compassion defines it as recognizing suffering, understanding it, and feeling empathy for the sufferer—but also tolerating the uncomfortable feelings they and the suffering person are experiencing and, crucially, acting to alleviate the suffering.[39]

Compassionate people are like Marines after training: just as likely to feel pain as anyone else, but able to bear it and function.

Compassion can feel like tough love, giving honest counsel that is difficult to hear, saying goodbye to an employee who is not a suitable fit, or saying no to a disappointed child. This can start a virtuous cycle, in which the recipient of compassion gets a little more resilient and becomes better able to show compassion themselves.

This is the soul of sponsorship, to borrow from AA and the relationship between Fr. Ed Furlong and Bill Wilson.

more and more focused on other people in a productive and generous way, and less and less focused on yourself.

you must also observe yourself and be observed by others to have any consistent sense of self-concept and self-image.[2]

The trick for well-being is balancing your I-self and your me-self.

Not thinking less of self but thinking of self less

people are less likely to try new things when they are focused on themselves.[5]

awe diminishes the sense of self.

Incorporating awe into your daily life might mean making sure you see the sunset as often as you can or studying astronomy—or whatever it is that blows your mind.

See the ocean every day. Plan trips that include many opportunities for AWE as described in Dacher Keltner’s work

caring about and paying attention to others is very different from worrying about what others think about you.

to manage emotions, almost all of us need to work to care less what others think about us.

“We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own,” whether they are friends, strangers, or enemies.[14]

True of human nature for thousands of years. Still just as true today. Not a function of social media or a divided republic, just human nature.

worrying about the opinions of others can lower your basic competence in ordinary tasks,

The prison of others’ approval is actually one built by you, maintained by you, and guarded by you.

The Choice - Eger. This IS the crux of it.

Next time you feel self-conscious, notice that you are thinking about yourself. You can safely assume that everyone around you is doing more or less the same.

once you metacognitively own the source of your embarrassment and resolve not to be held back by it, you will feel empowered and much happier.

“Of the seven deadly sins, only envy is no fun at all.”[26] Envy, in short, is a happiness killer.

While you are working to curtail your envy of others, stop trying to be envied yourself.

everything I do, anything I make, any suggestion I float or advice I give—it’s all just an offering. If it works, it works. If it’s accepted, it’s accepted. If not, I have lost nothing because I had no attachment to a particular result. This has made for a much, much happier life for me,

Conflict is the cost of abundant love. The objective is not to make it go away—it is to manage it metacognitively, replace it when possible with positive emotions, and blunt it as necessary.

For example, if you are a worrier and your spouse isn’t, it may have driven you crazy that she or he “doesn’t care enough” about all the problems in life. Instead, reclassify your spouse as your personal agent in the art of lightening up. (You can be their personal threat spotter.)

Neither is wrong…there are lots of ways to view the world

Just as we shouldn’t push away our own negative feelings if we want to grow and solve our problems, we can help those we love by accepting their emotions.

Sometimes we sabotage the freedom we crave even when we say we’ve forgiven others, whether because we still harbor resentment deep down or because we’re holding on to offenses to use later against the people who have wronged us.

when you’re choosing forgiveness, remember that resolving a conflict is not charity—it primarily benefits you.

sometimes what you hear will be intended to offend you. You can almost always choose not to take offense.

The Choice - Eger

offer truth to heal, never to harm.

What you really need is complementarity to complete you as a person.

The secret weapon in all families is forgiveness.

When families withhold the truth, they cannot be close.

Friendship accounts for almost 60 percent of the difference in happiness between individuals, no matter how introverted or extroverted they are.[5]

Unfortunately, societal incentives push many of us toward deal friends and away from real friends.

“Those who grasp at perceptions and views go about butting their heads in the world.”[29]

People despise entertaining the idea that they aren’t right, because they fear that doing so will make them look stupid or incompetent.

Thus, left to your limbic tendencies, you will fight to the death for even your worst ideas.

Companionate love is the right goal—to be the closest of friends, who are also still in love.

That’s the MAGIC!

First, choose interaction over vegetation.

To knock you out of suboptimal habits, make use of device options that inform you of the time you are spending on social media and the internet, and limit yourself to an hour a day or less.

When possible, make an effort to meet in person—especially with your intimates.

Don’t let an introverted personality or a fear of rejection block your ability to make friends,

Key for me

Build links that are based on love and enjoyment of another’s company,

show humility instead of pride—and

The first two pillars on which to build a happier life—family and friendship—require a lot of time and commitment.

The best way to enjoy earned success is to find ways to get better at your job, whether that leads to promotions and higher pay or not.