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Susannah, Save this letter: it marks the moment that my life finally started. I have never felt closer to Heaven than I felt today on the road with you. I can only hope that it was real, and that you will not change your mind. Now I am away from you, I have never felt further from home, further from myself.
You seem to think I have all the power here, like I was going to decide not to want you anymore. I’m powerless. If you want me, I’m yours. S x
She puts her arms around me without hesitating, and because we are girls and we are blessed with an anticipated level of intimacy, I can do the same.
Even with all the love that I have for her, I’m not ready to be out. Not yet. I’m just somebody in love with Susannah. That’s enough.
Instead, I light her cigarettes, and when they go from my lips to hers, it’s close to a kiss.
‘You’re the only calm thing in my life.’
Catríona and I stand on opposite sides of Susannah. Wherever I see beauty, she sees rot, and where I see misery, she sees a lesson learned. Susannah the Daughter is so different to Susannah the Lover.
My love, you are a poison. We are a dream together.
Why do I allow my greatest pleasure to be my greatest panic?
In the dresser, there are two sets of rosary beads, a Brigid’s cross, and an iron pendant on a chain. And then there is her, more worthy of worship, with a knee on either side of my hips.
Let me take it too far, let me cause irreparable damage. Darling, let me hurt you.
Sweet and gentle Susannah, who knows so well how to love. With all that heartache, she knows so well how to hurt.
Even though I’ve had her hundreds of times, when I see her looking like this, I doubt that she has ever been mine.
Under my pillow is an old scrap of paper, where Susannah has scribbled, I love you x The thrill of it makes me cry, because I’m not allowed to love her back.
How can I defend myself to Mother when I don’t understand what I am defending? How is it that when you grow up and get stuck in love, that love is forgotten about? My love now seems to be an aggressive, political thing.
We’re only seventeen, it shouldn’t be this complicated. Why did you let everything get so complicated? How did I get tricked into allowing this? It’s like I got rid of my self-worth to make room for you. I hope we still love each other after this.
He is almost afraid to look at me, but then he does. He looks right at me, because Martin is not afraid of the things that he loves. He is so beautiful. He is so sincere.
Someone find this boy a nice farmers daughter he's about to go through it
And again I think, maybe if I never knew how interesting Susannah was, I would think Martin’s car was fascinating.
Nobody notices when she looks me up and down and asks, ‘Whose are you?’ And I say, ‘Yours.’
This is about more than her body, her tanned skin, her perfect mouth. I am in love with her blood, with her smell, with intangible things that I will never hold – her laugh, her anger, her soul.
‘I love you, I love you, I love you, in this life and the next and the last.’
He’s in love with you, and I know what loving you can do to a person.
He deserves all the love in the world, he is wasting his wonderful heart on me.
‘We won’t be saved.’ There would be no safety nets, no second chances, no Heaven. And in her perfect voice she tells me, ‘I’ll save you.’
‘Can we just be happy for a few days then and pretend you’re not afraid to want me?’
To look at her would ruin me, and still, for one brave and guiltless second, I turn to look at her. All of her. And I see that her sunlight is still blooming. With or without me, she will go on blooming, she will always be a glorious thing.
Too late I realise that she has been the Summer of my life. What a slow and painful death this shall be.
When we got our first payslips, we celebrated with a bottle of prosecco from the supermarket, and he made love to me with such exuberance that I almost felt it.
I know that I love him, that’s enough. To categorise my love as romantic or platonic – or strategic – would be an unnecessary pain.
I want her to read the letter, and I don’t. I want her to be reminded of me, but not all the ways that I broke her heart.
Still yours, Susannah
SCREECHING
You waited so long for me, I wonder, are you still waiting? Because I cannot let you go.
Susannah, you are Heaven made flesh, you have been the greatest fire of my life.
If someone said this to me I'd die
Finally, because he loves me so deeply that he cannot stop himself, he gives me what I need. He pulls me into his arms, he covers my nakedness and doesn’t complain as I soak his clothes. He kisses my head, and with his voice as soft as moss, he says, ‘It’s alright.’
‘I’m really sorry, Martin.’ ‘I know.’ ‘For everything. I wish it was different, I wish I was different.’ There is a soft silence. I feel his heart breaking, I feel him thinking, and he hugs me tighter. ‘I don’t. Then you wouldn’t be my Lucy.’
Oh this is so 😭😭😭
Even with all I have done, he bends to be the man that I need. He loves me like he has always loved me, because I have always been this way.
Now I have woken him up from his dreaming, and he sees the girl that he adores so fiercely is different than he thought. And still he lets me cry on him and holds me like I am important. Still he loves me. He is still Martin. I am still Lucy. ‘I can go to Evelyn’s, it’s okay.’ He sighs, full of feeling, and says, ‘Not tonight, love.’ He pulls the blanket over us and takes his last chance at holding me before I am gone forever.
If this is the last breath of Crossmore air I ever get, I will be okay. If I have to say goodbye to the village, I will be okay eventually. My sweet wasteland, all you ever really did was hold me back.
And here is Susannah, a flame in the doorway. I am winded. She holds the letter in her hand as though she knew I was coming. ‘Lucy.’ She says softly. I have to squint to see her. ‘You’re back.’
