Hypnotized by Love

by Sariah Wilson

“As soon as you get in your bed, you are able to easily let go of all your worries and concerns from your day. You will allow your body and mind to relax and to sleep well and fall asleep quickly,” I told her.

“You are strong enough and confident enough to do the things you want to do.”

“Where do my defensive walls come from with regard to my job? A lot of places, probably. I know that part of it is from getting labeled in school. That when they say you’re ‘gifted and talented,’ there’s these expectations of the kind of life you’ll lead, the sort of job you’ll have. That if you’re not out in the world curing cancer, then you’re just wasting your life, even if what you’re doing makes you happy. How even when you are actually doing well, you still feel like a failure.”

“Are you feeling anxious? Because that’s actually pretty common,” she said. “They call it hangxiety. It’s because alcohol mimics GABA, which is a brain chemical that makes you feel relaxed and happy. And then when it’s out of your system, it increases glutamate, another brain chemical, which has the opposite effect and makes you feel restless, anxious, and worried.”

“We all make mistakes, and part of being human is forgiving and moving past them if we can. If he continued to be toxic and hurt you, that would be one thing, but if he’s changed? It would be nice if we could erase the past, but hanging on to this anger? The person it’s hurting is you. Not him.”

‘If the shoe fits, lace it up.’”

“I should have listened to you and talked to him a long time ago,” I said. She considered this information. “I don’t know if that’s necessarily correct. I’m a big believer in things working out when they’re supposed to.” “Like how?” “Let’s say you knew it was Bridget who spread the rumor in high school. You would have hated her, and we never would have gotten to know her and her mom and what an amazing person she is.” She had a point, and I nodded. “And if you and Mason had started dating, you two went to colleges on opposite sides of the country. What are the odds that your relationship would have worked? He was pursuing literary fame, and you were figuring out who you were and what you wanted to do. You might have broken up. But now you’re in the right place at the right time for both of you, when things can work out and last.”

“Living in New York as a writer is your dream.” “You’re my dream, Sinclair.” “You’d give up New York for me?” “I’d give up the world for you,” he said.

I wished that this pain could go away—that I could stop being angry, stop feeling hurt. But I didn’t know how to just let it go. I wanted to be more of an adult, to forgive, but it was something I was going to have to work on. I wasn’t ready to do it yet.

“One of the most important things I’ve learned over the years is about forgiveness. For ourselves and for others. For some reason, we see forgiving someone as a weakness or a failing.” I nodded because I knew that better than anyone. “It doesn’t mean you have to forget or condone what happened. It doesn’t even mean you have to ever speak to or see that person again. But forgiving someone means you don’t let them control you any longer. You get to replace all the heavy, negative feelings that weigh you down and focus on your own well-being instead. Bridget can’t undo this. Neither one of you can change what happened, but you get the choice to change how you relate to it.”

Maybe I wasn’t as angry with Bridget because things had changed. Because I had found someone who made me feel more myself, more complete, who pushed and challenged me to do better and be better, and so forgiving Bridget didn’t seem like such an impossibility.

It became easier and easier to trust Mason, to focus on how much I was in love with him. It wasn’t really a “falling” kind of experience—I had never stopped loving him, and it was more like reading a book I’d forgotten about. We just picked up where we’d left off, the page bookmarked and waiting for us to return to our story.

“When you did that hypnosis session and I asked what you thought I needed to change, it surprised me that you saw me as a negative person. It made me wonder if I’d been closing myself off to things since I’d lost you, and I didn’t like it. That session we had . . . It made me feel like you gave me permission to be the person I always wanted to be. Like you unlocked a better version of myself. You help me to be the man I want to be, by keeping me on my toes and challenging me. No one understands me the way that you do, and no one else loves the way you love. I adore your big emotions.”

“I’m too much,” I insisted. Then he reached up to cup the right side of my face and looked at me with so much tenderness, kindness, and love that it made me start crying all over again. “Sinclair, you’re never too much for someone who can’t get enough of you.”