Nocticadia

by Keri Lake

Bones of a long-dead sparrow, the bright red feather of a cardinal, which my mother had always told me was a gift from the angels, a squirrel’s rib bone, and six of my baby teeth in a tiny, corked bottle. Beneath all that sat a picture of me and my mother from before her sickness had taken hold, one of Bee’s barrettes with a yellow- and white-stone bumblebee, odd coins and rocks I’d collected, and a crystal Glinda had given me for protection.

“What separates monsters from good men is only a matter of perspective. In your eyes, I’m a sick fuck for what I’ve done to you. But I, on the other hand, see you as a parasite.”

to my mother, who’d always told me that dresses and skirts were a woman’s rebellion against the world’s ruthless nature. Soft and vulnerable and bold at the same time. I’d never been brave enough to wear them on the subway late at night, only to classes during the day. For the train ride, I’d opted for a pale butter, ruffled sundress with my mom’s faded leather jacket and my combat boots.

I sat humming like a bee, with so much pent-up anxiety, it was a wonder they couldn’t hear me vibrating in my seat.

The defiant glint that made me want to seize those pouty fucking lips of hers and end whatever the hell it was that held me hostage to the girl’s poisonous spell. That infuriating scent of hers

I was drawn to her, for reasons I could neither justify nor understand. A realization that annoyed the shit out of me. She was an itch on my brain that I couldn’t scratch. The maddening shimmer in the corner of my eye during lecture that distracted my thoughts. The kind of girl who seduced with nothing more than a single glance. A bite of the lip.

Calling her beautiful was like calling the sun lukewarm. She’d blazed like the hottest part of a flame in that dress. And fuck me, I’d felt the heat.

“Do you hear that, Lilia? How your greedy little pussy weeps for me. Look at the mess you’ve made on my fingers.”

“After I lost my mother, and Bee went off to school, I kind of spiraled into myself and learned how to find solace in loneliness. It became my home. The only place I felt safe. Then I came here. And I met you. And I learned that loneliness was a choice for me. This place is more than just a school to me.”

“That I would kill for you without a beat of hesitation, or remorse. And yet, at the same time, I could be reduced to nothing more than a pile of ash without you. I’m weak for you, Lilia.”

Now it feels cursed. Like I’m carrying a cursed secret inside of me that I can never say aloud.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You and I? This? There’s no escaping it. Doesn’t matter how fast you run, or how far you get, I will always be inside you just like this. In your bones and in your blood and in your head. It doesn’t matter what you tell the universe–what secrets you spill. Nothing can change what we are, what we’ve become.”

“Don’t ever hesitate to touch me, Lilia. You’re the only one who can. It was you who dragged my heart from this insensate slumber. And it’s you for whom it beats now.”

“You’re mine, Lilia.”

“And I am yours.”