Disconnect to Connect: Tap into the Power within You to Create the Life You Desire

by Amy Vetter

We can also learn a lot about ourselves from looking internally and realizing how our self-perception may not be aligned with how others view us. This comes down to our perception versus reality. Rather than getting defensive about other perspectives, we can instead focus on receiving feedback to help us gain a better understanding of ourselves and then decide how we utilize that information.

Too often we don’t take time to understand feedback we receive and whether it’s valid or is based on another person’s insecurities or personal shortcomings.

Taking a step back to pause before responding and observing myself as a third-party participant has been constant work throughout my career, whether it pertains to how someone treats me or how I react to someone else. Is it them or me? Where is the truth between reality versus perception? I have to constantly ask myself, “What is each person’s side?” rather than just my own. This work is never easy. But I find the hardest question to ask myself is “What is my 100 percent responsibility?”

The first step is to pause and review the situation and decide whether it’s them—or you. Where is your ego keeping you from being present and understanding all sides of an experience? What is your responsibility, and have you fulfilled it? Or are you looking to blame the outside? Is the feeling or experience significant enough to hold on to? Or does it make more sense to let it go?

The key to all of this is learning to be more open to thirdparty feedback without interrupting with our own justifications for what they’ve observed. Listen to what they say, even if it’s difficult to hear.

We usually grow the most when we are challenged or feel uncomfortable.

People tend to be great about giving feedback but not receiving it. But both are necessary. Feedback gives you, your team, and your customers the insight, guidance, and support they need.

Remember the anticipation you felt waiting for your second-grade teacher to hand back your graded paper? Would you get an excellent sticker? A gold star? Or my favorite, a sticker with a watermelon smell? As adults, we still look for those stickers of acknowledgment. We often seek it from the external sources rather than internally. I have learned over time that it’s important to find fulfillment within ourselves because, unlike children, most people overlook your efforts and success unless you point them out. This can sound easier than it is because it takes time to shift how you feel on the inside.

But the reality was that I had this fear that I never achieved enough, so I always strove for the next thing.

I soon realized this tendency to look for approval crossed over into my work life, too. I became more aware that a common trigger to feel bad about myself was when I believed I had disappointed someone or felt my work was not appreciated. I needed to feel positive reinforcement from a manager or team leader in order to stay motivated and not be too hard on myself.

When I meet people at work, without realizing it, I quickly size them up and decide whether they are what I consider “real” or have a political agenda. I know people with agendas are a weakness for me because I don’t enjoy that part of corporate America and I have never been good at “playing the game.” My perception is that they spend more time angling for positioning rather than getting work done. And if you focus more on work than what is going on around you, like I do, it’s easy to fall prey and get tangled up in their game.

When you observe yourself acting in a way that isn’t productive or doesn’t contribute in a positive way to those around you, that is your message to take a pause. When you notice this behavior, ask yourself the following: What feelings or emotions is a current situation bringing up for you? Is there is a change at work, or do you have an interpersonal conflict, technology disruption, or business process reorganization, that is causing you to react a certain way? What may be the underlying cause? If you are struggling with a relationship (work or personal), what could be causing your reaction to the other person? What is the course of action you would prefer to take? What can you learn about yourself?

Here are some steps you can take. Journaling the answers could be a great way to work through it. Pause and check in with what is going on in the current moment. What happened and how do you feel about it? Allow yourself to absorb these feelings and sit with them without distractions. Try not to check your phone or look at email. Just allow yourself to remain still. Observe these feelings and whether they are related to past issues or beliefs you have about yourself. Ask yourself whether these thoughts or beliefs are true. How would you rather respond and what would that look like? Create an intention, a mantra, or a word that can provide the energy you want to create rather than the negative thought or belief. Repeat that intention silently as needed or write it down and refer to it throughout your day. Notice whether a small shift in your approach changes the experience.

Through my own journey, I have defined this philosophy as learning how to limit the power and response I have to another person’s feelings, emotions, and behaviors. I recognize that they are on their own journey, and I try not to attach my emotion to theirs. Instead, I learn to observe my actions and others’ actions as a third party. What is my 100 percent responsibility, and what is theirs? What can I accept in my life, and what will I decide to not accept? Where do I choose to set boundaries and release myself from the chains of guilt when I don’t do what someone else wants me to?

Create your circle of trust for work and personally. Make a list of these individuals, why they belong, what specific skills they provide, and how they match up to your needs. If you notice gaps,develop a strategy as to whom you could target.

Self-discovery can be one of the more courageous acts someone can do for themselves. You may think taking time for self-discovery sounds selfish; however, when you help yourself, you help the people around you, too.

It may be nice for everyone to nod and agree with every idea, but in the end, it doesn’t create a better result.

As adults, it seems we have fewer and fewer moments of celebration, and we have to make them happen. So, look up and look around, see the positive, and celebrate!

Consider a career coach. A third-party observer can look at your career, life, and work and see things you don’t. An unbiased perspective can be enlightening and alter your trajectory. Galasso says that her experience with a coach helped her change her thought process and think differently.

Learn to delegate (and start small). Do you spend too much time and energy on tasks that keep you away from doing what you do best? Examine where you devote your attention and ask yourself if you are the best person to do it. Galasso did this and realized that she didn’t (and shouldn’t) be booking her own travel or generating invoices. Once she outsourced those tasks, she had more time to apply her skills where they were most needed. This can carry over to your home life too. “I hired someone to come and change my cat litter because I didn’t like to do it,” says Galasso about the delegating lessons she learned from her business. “I’m like, I can find someone to do this cheaper than me.”

You can’t—and shouldn’t want to—change others. But you can choose what to allow in your life and how you want to interact with the world around you, your family and friends, and the people you work with.