Haunted Love

by Sarafini

It was Jackson. I grinned at the text and told him I would. Before I left his building, he kissed me with a little tongue, and we exchanged numbers. I liked him, and the sex was great, but I didn’t want to lead him on. Unfortunately, my heart was haunted by Quincy Mercer. It would take a while before I could genuinely move on with someone else.

“Well, then they must’ve not had the real love that we had,” I shrugged. “Or the real obsession,” she responded curtly. “Excuse you?” My pissy attitude came right on back. “Obsession,” she reiterated challenging me. “Sheena, everything you’ve described so far sounds like an obsession. He’s powerful and untouchable. You can’t even find the words to describe him. You worship him as if he’s your God.”

“In psychology, we call it Limerence, Obsessive Love Disorder, or the Halo effect. You’ve put this person on a pedestal and have made a deity out of them. You’ve taken away his humanity and made him a fantasy—he has the same effect on you as a chemical substance: cocaine or heroin—for lack of better words. Phase One: Infatuation, Phase Two: Crystallization; Phase Three: Deterioration. You’re in Phase Three. Your perfect fantasy of this man was, in fact, a fantasy, Sheena. So when he decided to step off the pedestal and do something that completely shatters your beliefs, you couldn’t handle it. In fact, your delusion was so high about this human being that the mere thought of him separating from you, you decided death was best. Over yourself, your children, your family, friends, wants, desires, everything. This human being chose to end a romantic relationship with you, and that was your response. My question to you is, why?”

“I am saying that such actions for a 10-year-old girl towards a crush at school were inappropriate and subconsciously told her that she must be the giver and not the receiver. It also set up a dysfunctional dynamic for her future relationships with men. It’s no coincidence that she chased the same boy throughout her teenage years, ended up in a one-sided relationship, and is severely depressed. You have enabled her unhealthy obsession with this person and affirmed that this is what love is.” Dr. Evil took a deep breath before continuing. “Oh, but then one day, the house of cards falls. He leaves, and she then kills herself in response. Fortunately, Sheena survived her attempt, but for so many women, that’s how their story ends. I don’t expect you in one session to fully understand your role in Sheena’s sickness or how you’ve fostered an environment for this behavior, but I expect you to consider what I’m saying.”

“My bet is if a man sincerely approached Sheena as the pursuer, who wanted to put her on a pedestal and make her the center of his universe, she’d run,”

“Some play checkers, the elite minds play chess, and most mufuckas play nothing at all.”

It’s somebody out here made perfectly for you. And you ain’t gon have to twist yourself until you’re unrecognizable to make them love you. I feel like that’s what you did with Q. Like he really tried to turn you into that girl, and you could never see it,” she said.

“We never discussed none of that. It was understood,” I answered. I didn’t get where she was going and why it mattered. “We would talk on and off,” I continued. “See each other on and off, but the streets were saying he was with her as well. But one day, when I asked him to come to his place, he didn’t make any excuses like usual. So I went over there, and I spent the night. Then I noticed that he wasn’t pressing me about leaving. So one night turned into two, three, a week, a month, and then shortly after, I found out I was pregnant.

“Ms. Watson, do you understand that how relationships begin is often how they end? His behavior in leaving your relationship seems directly traced to how you two began: no thought, emotion, or care.”

“Let me go back a bit and say that, in general, all partnerships, certainly any worth its weight, are entered into upon both parties’ agreement. Whether that be written or verbal. This includes business deals, government policies, legislation, marriages, and, yes, even interpersonal relationships. This has nothing to do with age or the hood. Agreements are necessary so everyone knows what they can reasonably expect and there are no gray areas. Otherwise, one party could hold all the power, and the other becomes a lapdog. And in your case, a human lapdog.”

reclaiming your mind and your emotions will never happen if I can’t call a thing…well, a thing. It will take unrequited honesty about how you got here to get you out of here. But, ultimately, my point is to get you to see your mistakes, not his.”

But we’re here for your mental health, not to play the blame game. Your wellness is not about him or anyone else. I want you to get to the point that it doesn’t matter who comes or leaves your life. You’re whole. And you’re in control of you. After all, that’s all you can control.”

“So the years go on without you ever truly getting the communication, affirmation, and affection you desire? Just him being around was enough, but it never was really enough, right?”

“I believe you convinced yourself that a piece of him would do. It was better than nothing. But the truth is you’ve never got what you needed. And I think that hurts more than his perceived betrayal.”

After all, there was no formal agreement that he had a duty to you. As hurtful as it may sound, it’s not uncommon. So many men operate under such loopholes: children, homes, holidays, vacations, none of that matters because they never verbally agreed that the two of you were exclusively a couple.”

“Ms. Watson, the things that matter in life are in the details. It’s not in the grand gestures of jewelry, cars, or mansions. It’s in the small things. It’s running in the rain to get an umbrella so you don’t get wet. It’s bringing you coffee in bed. It’s actively listening to you talk about you. It’s ironing your clothes when you’re late to work. It’s doing things that will make you smile just because. It’s thoughtfulness. It’s consideration. I don’t expect you to know today, but I want you to think about what you need out of a romantic relationship with a man in the future. Not the grand things but the small things. As you know from your experience, material items are no indication that love is present.”

many ways, I felt haunted, especially by my relationship with him. I shook my head as a feeling of dread started to set in. Even thinking about my father could change my whole energy. As much as I tried to let go of the things he’s done in the past, using everyone around him as pawns, even me, I couldn’t—