Hot Mess Summer

by Melissa Foster

I’m more tomboy than feminine, a little thick around the middle despite consistent exercise, and my curly auburn hair is frizzy and unruly on good days. But I’ve got a great personality when I’m not working. Or at least I used to.

“There’s nothing like the old-world charm of New England.”

“I bet you’d like to be twenty-five again, wouldn’t you?” “No way. Life was so confusing back then. Society wanted me to fall in love and get married, my brain wanted me to make something of my life, and my body wanted great sex all the time.”

This is going to be the summer I find all the lost parts of myself. Including the ones I can’t even remember losing.

“Raising kids is like driving a car with no brakes. It’s a crazy mix of fun and being scared shitless as you careen around unexpected corners, and you can’t stop or put parenting on hold. You’re pretty much holding on for dear life, for the rest of your life.” “And Lord help you when you crash, which you will, because we all do,” I add. “But it’s worth it.”

I take a moment to breathe in the salty air. I have the strange sensation of being far away from the stressors of everyday life, which makes no sense since my responsibilities haven’t changed. But my location has.

I never realized just how anxious that made me until now, when I don’t feel it looming like a villain waiting to pounce. I feel a spark of excitement. Welcome back, old friend.

“I remember hitting that point after my divorce and feeling like, Damn, I like this guy.” I laugh. “Me too. It’s like, yeah, I’d be friends with myself. Did you ever wonder if you’d get to that place?”

But, as my mother says, it’s never too late to find your people.

“I can see how that would cause stress, but the right partner will strive to help you be the best you can be in all aspects of your life and figure out ways to support that.”

There’s a lot of freedom in being happy with yourself and not looking for someone else to try to make you happy.”

Honestly, I think most couples take each other for granted on some level. Getting comfortable in a relationship is a double-edged sword, isn’t it? Being able to take the other person’s love for granted is part of what’s nice about being in a relationship. You don’t have to worry about always putting your best foot forward, but if you do that too much, you lose that spark.”

Now I have this sense of peace, of knowing I’m enough for me, and that’s all that matters.”

“Here’s to a summer full of adventures.” We clink glasses and drink. “I love that you say adventures, like we’re twelve.” “Life is what you make it, and you and I are destined to have some great adventures.

I should’ve listened. But should’ve, could’ve, would’ve does me no good.” “Live and learn.

I’d rather call people on their shit than pretend it doesn’t stink.” “That’s a good trait but a hard way to live.”

“Keep hanging with me and you’ll hear all sorts of things you’re not used to.”

He’s become a bright light in my life. A trusted friend who is always around. Not physically, but he’s always on my mind, and he texts so often, I know I’m on his, too.

“Think about it, Nic. Your back is against a tree, and it’s rough, and it hurts a little, but not enough to push his hard body away, because you secretly like a little pain with your pleasure. It’s winter, and your skin is chilled, but when he kisses you, it’s rough and possessive, and you’re burning up from the inside out, desperate for more. But he doesn’t just undress you. He tears off your clothes like he’s been thinking of nothing but how you’ll feel and how you’ll taste for days.” Holy shit. Has he been reading my books? “And then his hands and mouth are all over you, and you’re wet and writhing against the tree, trying to get him naked, but he grabs your wrists and holds them over your head, refusing to strip until he’s pleasured you so thoroughly, your legs give out.”

And he thinks I’m dangerous? He’s the apple to Eve’s hunger.

“You should give someone you trust a chance to take some of the weight you’re carrying off your shoulders.”

I revel in the feel of his mouth on me, the way he takes his time, like he treasures every touch.

“I need a fucking twelve-step program to stop kissing you.”

“Those were not the good old days. You’re living what will become your good old days,

I don’t want to think about returning to the place where my old life feels like a perpetual black cloud hanging over my head,

When he looks at me the way he is right now, it feels like nothing else exists but the two of us. I have to remind myself that this is just a moment in time.

“Be with me, Nic. Don’t worry about anything other than feeling good. Feeling us

Every time he shares another piece of himself, I want to wrap it in a ribbon and tuck it away for safekeeping.

“How do you see all the hidden parts of me so clearly, when I don’t even know they’re there?”

This isn’t just a kiss. It’s an act of raw, untethered possession

Who we are at twenty is different from who we are at thirty. But some couples beat the odds and evolve together.

“Raising a young adult is hard. I miss when she was younger and told me all her secrets. It’s strange watching my child grow up and face her own challenges.”

I love that he’s so crazy about my looks. I know he likes me for who I am, but it sure feels good to be liked for my frizzy mop and mom-bod, too.

You have this energy that draws me in, Nic, and for the first time since I lost Neil, I wanted to think outside the box and experience the good parts of life again, and I wanted to do it with you

I knew he’d lost his best friend and the love of his life, but I’m not sure I ever fully understood how deep that type of loss could cut until last night. There’s no comparison between losing someone to death and losing someone because you were an asshole, but there’s also no comparison between loving someone and being in love with them. I knew I was falling hard for Nicole, but I didn’t realize how hard until she stormed away and I was swept into a new world of pain that I still don’t know what the hell to do with.

“How many times have you told me that?” “Probably more than you’d like, but I’m doing the best I can, and I’m sorry if that’s not good enough for you.” “Why is it good enough for you

When I think of my life without Declan in it, it’s vanilla, and I want mint chocolate chip.

You had just witnessed a part of my life I try to keep separate from everyone and everything else. My worlds collided, and that was a lot harder than I expected,

You’re everything, Nic. Your laugh, your smile, that wild hair. I’ve never met anyone like you, and this thing between us is unstoppable. We’re not just you and me anymore. We’re us

I’m lucky you’ve seen the best parts of me and are willing to try not to let the worst parts scare you off.

More tears spill down my cheeks, but we’re not yelling. This isn’t a screamfest; it’s a heartbreak.

you did the best you could with the emotional energy you had available.

“You raised me. Of course I should be there for you.” “Honey, bringing a child into the world is an adult decision. Children don’t owe us a damn thing.” “I didn’t do it because I owed you. I did it because I love you.”

You took me by surprise, and I’m sorry if I reacted strongly. I’d like to understand how you came to the decision.” “Why does that matter?” “Because you’re my daughter, and I love you.” She sighs. “You won’t understand.” “Maybe not, but I’d appreciate the chance to try.

“Don’t be surprised if a few trees fall along the way. All paths have obstacles.”

Thank you for kicking me in the ass and opening my eyes to the chains that have been holding me down. Your ass kicking freed me.”

Shivers of heat riddle me with the luxurious thought of being loved by this man.