He Who Fights with Monsters 10 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #10)

by Shirtaloon

“You’re always pulling out some nonsensical new soul power. It could have been spirit wind or something.” “Ghost farts. You think I’m making ghost farts.”

My family runs a school.” Jason took a tray of liquor shots from his inventory and floated them to the group members using his aura. “Oh, come on,” Rufus complained.

The magic enchanted into it projected the sound all across the battlefield. “What is that noise?” Humphrey yelled. “Metallica,”

“I was thinking that perhaps we should devise a plan before rushing off,” Humphrey suggested. Taika, one of the few people that towered over Humphrey, put a meat slab hand on his shoulder. “The music’s playing, bro. Time to rock and roll.”

“Plans are great,” Rufus told him. “But sometimes there’s a giant explosion and you just have to go out and fight.

Stash having taken the form of a woodpecker the size of a bulldozer.

“What was that?” “Nothing.” “It didn’t sound like nothing.” “Oh look: there’s a gold-ranker flying over here. He probably needs to talk to you about something very important.”

Gods and great astral beings don’t give you gifts, not really. They give you manipulation coated in a sweet candy shell. You take it, because they don’t muck about when handing out the goods, but get ready to drop neck-deep into the brown. Nothing is just a gift with them.”

“This is how I see the world,” Jason told her. “Mostly.” “Mostly?” “There are other elements.” Synthesizer music started playing and a black and white helicopter flew overhead.

the first approach should not be from someone whose idea of praying is ‘oi, god, get down here before I get cranky.’ They don’t respond well to that.” “I’ve never said that. I don’t think. Out loud.”

I can see many of your team members reaching the peak.” “There is no peak.” “Essence users can’t go beyond diamond rank.” “Not with that attitude.”

“The gods exist to help and guide our actions, Mr Asano, not to act in our stead.”

if I may say, Mr Asano, you were far less difficult to deal with than the rumours have suggested.” “I’m a perfectly reasonable man.” “We just had such a good meeting, Mr Asano. Let us not start lying now.”

“That was a weird sound,” Sophie said. “Yep,” Jason agreed. “It sounded exactly like when you hit a very fat man with a very large fish.” Jason, Humphrey and Clive all turned to look at her. “What?” she asked defensively. “I had a life before I met you people.” Humphrey opened his mouth to ask many, many questions,

“Are you scared of a hole just because there’s a weird noise coming out of it?” Jason asked, then frowned as something occurred to him. “You know, I once asked your wife the exact same question in a very different context.”

“What do you mean by signature unpleasantness?” Jason asked. “Jason,” Sophie said, “your powers make people’s flesh rot and blood leak out like sweat.” “I guess that is relatively unpleasant,” Jason conceded.

my father told me that if I get the choice between ruthlessness and mercy, my choice shouldn’t be about the person under my sword but about me.”

“I use conjured clothes when I’m fighting. Saves on expensive replacements. If you ever become an adventurer, always spend the most money on underwear. It’s modesty’s last line of defence.

“I’m an adventurer,” Jason said. “Protecting people from bad things is what we do.”

“Passion is good. Just make sure you use it rather than it using you, yeah?”

“Yes,” Arabelle said. “Keep going.” Jason tried to avoid thinking of Rufus’ mother—his own magical therapist—as a stern-but-sexy professor, and continued.

We get the brainwashing to send her through by challenging her faith.” “And how do we do that?” Carlos asked. “That’s all me,” Jason said. “Annoying the deeply faithful is kind of my thing.”

Faith is the bane of intellect. We use that.” “Jason, the gods can hear you,” Carlos said. “You may want to clarify that you’re speaking within this specific context.” Jason thought it over for a moment. “No, I’ll stand by it.” “How is it that the gods haven’t struck you down yet?” Carlos asked. “My working theory is that I’m too sexy.”

“Even for you, that’s arrogant.” “Not if I’m right.”

“Zealots, like any extremists, have various weaknesses. Denying the validity of their faith is one of the biggest. They’d rather be martyrs than let their beliefs be stepped on.

I can just turn off death long enough for someone who knows what they’re doing to heal her body.” “What do you mean, turn off death?” Arabelle asked. “I mean turn it off. As a concept.

“Mercy isn’t a means, Allayeth. It’s an end.

“I think that may be the first time I heard you say something good about your world,” Neil said. “Normally, you just say it’s terrible and there are flying wolves everywhere.” Jason groaned. “No, that’s not… look, Airwolf is—”

“I don’t think my mum would like this,” Taika said as he gave all the people looking at them an awkward wave. “She’s pretty Christian.” “That’s one of the religions from your world?” Clive asked. “Yep. The god is kind of like the Builder, in that he’s more on a creating-the-universe level than the gods here. Also, he doesn’t like shellfish or mixed fabrics. I was never clear on why.” “Your mother didn’t tell you?” Sophie asked. “Well, there’s this book with all the rules in it, but it seemed a bit sketchy to me. Mum used to make me read it, but then I’d ask questions until she hit me with a spoon.”

“Well, if you live and I die,” Neil told her, “you’re going to have to do something for me.” “What?” she asked, her voice thick with suspicion. “Just give someone a letter for me. You know, final goodbye stuff.” “You want me to go to Greenstone and find your mother?” “What?” Neil asked. “No, the letter is for Clive’s wife.” “Oh, come on!” Clive exclaimed. “You don’t have to go to Greenstone,” Neil continued. “Just give it to anyone at the Magic Society. They’ll know how to find her.” “Bro, that is ice cold,” Taika said.

Asano himself doesn’t realise it, but his mentality is that of a diamond-ranker, and always has been. The indifference to authority, operating by his own rules and values, disregarding consequences. Involving himself in things that anyone with a functional mind would run screaming from.

The conference table and formal chairs had been piled up on one side of the room where they were being casually snacked on by two giant tortoises, one of whom had a moustache.

‘adventuring is more fun when you eat the bad guy’

He’s a joyful man by nature, and a symptomatic carrier; his joy is infectious.

“Who are you?” she called after him incredulously. His void cloak manifested and wrapped around him like a hole in the universe. Silver lights that seemed like distant stars emerged from it, shooting ahead to illuminate the dark hallway. “I’m just like every other guy who periodically saves the world,” he called back. “I just look better doing it.”

“Regretting your life choices?” Jason asked him. “Absolutely not,” Marcus said. “Violence is the best.”

“At least your friends didn’t all sleep with your imaginary wife,” Clive grumbled.

Gabriel grumbled under his breath as he placed a hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Never have kids,” he told Jason. “What was that?” Arabelle asked in the tone of a gun being cocked. “Nothing, dear. Love you.”

“Since when are you afraid of vast cosmic power, Mr Asano?”

for all they’re mediocre at adventuring, the Aristocratic Faction excels at scheming.

Gold-rankers without a ready supply of gold spirit coins would be swiftly debilitated, rendered comatose, or even die.

I usually get sent places where they need someone to cut through the politics. Not literally, obviously. Unless we want to. We get quite broad discretionary power and I find an axe through someone’s head on the first day helps set a tone.”

“Bleed for me.” “Carry the mark of your transgressions.” “Your fate is to suffer.”

His powers made the impossible possible, which was the purpose of magic, after all.

Colin was on a mission to prove the tunnel was only big enough for one set of horrifying toothy worms.

Even more ridiculously, her own powers were burning creatures that were themselves made of fire. “How does that make any sense?” Jason asked. “You made a rock bleed to death,” Farrah shot back. “I will not apologise for being awesome.”

Stash turned into a floating orb monster, effectively an inflatable skin ball. Known as a gusher, it used compressed air attacks that made a comical noise that Stash was a little too enamoured with. Fortunately, the attacks were as effective at dispersing the elementals as they were at replicating flatulence sounds.

“You are a very odd man, Operations Commander.”

“Relying on a guy whose greatest skill is eighties action-adventure television trivia to save the world is not great, no.

“Yet you have time to mention your stupid sky dog stories,” Neil pointed out. “Don’t give me that, Neil, you know damn well it’s Airwolf.”