Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

by Jenny Lawson

what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.

“Crap on a crap cracker, you’re actually serious.”

There are few advantages to growing up poor, and not having money for therapy is the biggest.

you should accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you try to be someone you aren’t, then eventually some turkey is going to shit all over your well-crafted façade,

Like when you’re in prison, or you’re getting mugged at gunpoint, you can say to yourself, “Well, at least I’m not in high school.”

(Special notes for people reading this book who were born after 1990: (1) I kind of hate you. Please stop looking so good in shorts.

He was also the first person I ever met who had the Internet in his room (Special note to those same people born after 1990: I know. Shut up),

It’s more like a horrible death march through a haunted forest, and the trees are made of angry bears that you’re allergic to.

Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.

Except that the one thing I can’t escape from is the very thing I want to run away from…me.

I’d used those same shields to judge and dismiss people who I suspected had more than me, in the exact same way that I’d been judged for having less as a kid.

They may have all had suitcases three times as big as mine, but I realized that the emotional baggage I’d brought with me was big enough to put theirs to shame.

This whole week is being a tremendous asshole.