Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

by Jenny Lawson

this was the same woman who, when pushed, would describe Hitler as a “sad little man who probably didn’t get hugged enough when he was little,” and would say only of Satan, “I’m not a fan.”

Self-preservation is a narcissistic bedfellow,

High school is life’s way of giving you a record low to judge the rest of your life by.

I hadn’t actually been mad until I started defending myself, but then I realized that I had a point.

My baby is a total dick sometimes.”

Whenever I tell people I have arthritis they usually say, “But you seem so young,” which is sort of a backhanded compliment that I never get tired of hating.

I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I’ve lost. I try to accept this disease with grace, and patiently wait for the day when they find a cure.

This whole week is being a tremendous asshole.

I turned around and both of the cats were just staring at me disgustedly, like, “You’re embarrassing us all here,”

Brevity is the soul of Twitter.