Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

by Jenny Lawson

Right here is when people begin to say, “I don’t believe any of this,” and I have to show them pictures or get my mom on the phone to confirm it, and then they get very quiet. Probably out of respect. Or possibly pity. This is why I always have to clarify that although my childhood was fucked up, it was also kind of awesome.

in rural Texas pretty much everyone has a gun cabinet. Unless they’re gay. Then they have gun armoires.

Texas is a state that had once outlawed sodomy and fellatio, but is totally cool with men giving themselves golden showers in the name of deer hunting.

Pretty much everyone hates high school. It’s a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive, you know.

1980: It was a look that screamed, “Ask me about becoming a sister wife.”

Having one dead animal in the house is eclectic and artistic. More than one reeks of serial killer. There really is a fine line there.