Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

by Jenny Lawson

Pretty much everyone hates high school. It’s a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

You kind of have to be nice if you know that you’re trapped in a costume, and that your bathroom breaks are at the mercy of people in the vicinity who own thumbs. Honestly, if we ever run out of straitjackets, we could just put crazy people in old mascot costumes.

High school is life’s way of giving you a record low to judge the rest of your life by.

As far as I’m concerned, a house should look lived-in, and I consider it clean as long as I don’t stick to it and it doesn’t give me cholera.

now that I consider it, I’m probably the only person in the world to ever get knifed by a chicken. So I win. Or lose. Maybe both.

“A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they’re the ones who helped you put them there.”