The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

by Timothy J. Keller

“cheap girlfriend syndrome,” because it most often was the woman who was interested in marriage while the man was not.

Singles must not act as if who they marry is a decision belonging just to them as individuals.

sex as a natural appetite.

Sex is seen as part of our lower, physical nature, distinct from our higher, rational, more “spiritual” nature.

a necessary evil

sex as a critical form of self-expression, a way to “be yourself” and “find yourself.”

Sex is for whole-life self-giving. However, the sinful heart wants to use sex for selfish reasons, not self-giving, and therefore the Bible puts many rules around it to direct us to use it in the right way.

The Christian sex ethic can be summarized like this: Sex is for use within marriage between a man and woman.

The Bible says don’t unite with someone physically unless you are also willing to unite with the person emotionally, personally, socially, economically, and legally.

There must be an opportunity to recall all that the other person means to you and to give yourself anew. Sex between a husband and a wife is the unique way to do that.

It is your covenant renewal service.

But that other person has no legal, social, or moral responsibility even to call you back in the morning. This incongruity leads to jealousy and hurt feelings and obsessiveness if two people are having sex but are not married. It makes breaking up vastly harder than it should be. It leads many people to stay trapped in relationships that are not good because of a feeling of having (somehow) connected themselves.

Therefore, if you have sex outside marriage, you will have to steel yourself against sex’s power to soften your heart toward another person and make you more trusting.

The problem is that, eventually, sex will lose its covenant-making power for you, even if you one day do get married. Ironically, then, sex outside of marriage eventually works backwards, maki...

First, you need the “spousal love” of Jesus in your life.

We must remind them that sex simply cannot fill the cosmic need for closure that our souls seek in romance.

Also, to walk this path, single people need a Christian community.

Finally, strike a balance with regard to your sexual thoughts and desires.

we can’t stop sexual thoughts from occurring to us—they are natural and unavoidable. However, we are responsible for what we do with those thoughts. We must not entertain and dwell on them.

But, she says,

if she could break them when they appear inconvenient to her, of what would be their worth?

God’s law is for times of temptation, when “body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour.”

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back, Guilty of dust and sin. But quick-ey’d Love, observing me grow slack From my first entrance in, Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning If I lack’d anything. “A guest,” I answer’d, “worthy to be here”; Love said, “You shall be he.” “I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear, I cannot look on thee.” Love took my hand and smiling did reply, “Who made the eyes but I?” “Truth, Lord, but I have marr’d them; let my shame Go where it doth deserve.” “And know you not,” says Love, “who bore the blame?” “My dear, then I will serve.” “You must sit down,” says Love, “and taste my meat.” So I did sit and eat.

The husband’s authority (like the Son’s over us) is never used to please himself but only to serve the interests of his wife.

A wife is never to be merely compliant but is to use her resources to empower.

A wife is not to give her husband unconditional obedience. No human being should give any other human being unconditional obedience. As Peter said, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).

Assuming the role of headship is only done for purposes of ministering to your wife and family. Some

The situation could be chaotic, but here we are called to act out the drama of redemption, where the Son voluntarily gives the headship to the Father, saying, “Not my will, but thine be done.”