Lotus

by Jennifer Hartmann

Maybe I’m desensitized to real men. Maybe my expectations live between the pages of books involving heroes with ten-inch schlongs and magical tongues, performing grandeur gestures to sweep their heroines off their feet.

I feel personally attacked

I’m totally cool living in my fantasy world, dying a crazy cat lady.

we love that for u

his build similar to Gabe’s His hair is dark blond,

missing a period

Sydney claimed that Swiss cheese was the equivalent of stepping on a Lego in wet socks.

she’s so annoying

Sydney pulled back to break out an impressive solo, echoing every word, not missing a beat. She even used a spatula as her impromptu microphone. Hair flying, limbs animated,

sit your ass down

oyster-toned

why

Oy.

Oy yah

“Because we’re friends. That was…practice, remember? A one-time thing, for research purposes only.”

I can’t stand her

“Come on, don’t take this personally. I’m just looking out for my brother.” I heave my purse strap over my shoulder and rise from the booth. “So am I.”

What? She sees Oliver as a brother??? Seriously Sydney? She’s such an imbecile.

Down, girl.

Taking a hit of my weed pen everytime sydbitch makes me cringe

Lorna’s smile is beaming. “Such a polite young man.” That same smile vanishes when she turns her eyes to me.

Im on Lorna's side

My kind of girl.

Im too high

Swoon.

please stop

part of me wonders if I’m giving him mixed signals by touching him, by being so close. That’s just me, though.

Seriously? So she does this with Gabe too then??? Confused by her dumb ass thought process. She is being selfish. Oliver is just now starting his life at 30 years old.

“So, you don’t hate my tongue?”

she is such an attention freak and a slut

I just worry something will break him apart before he’s even fully put back together.”

Obviously they’re not the "same person." Gabe is smart and Bitchdney is as dumb as a bag of rocks

Her humor

What humor

She is fierce. She is goofy. She is beautiful. She is Syd.

She is annoying She is dumb She is Syd

Oliver wasn’t the only victim that day.

Is she for real right now

I’m at his side, our shoulders kissing. For warmth.

Cringe

“Will she be okay? It’s so cold.”

She’s a raccoon Sydney. Raccoons continue to live outside in the winter.

“Can you spin like a princess, Auntie Syd?”

Okay Jennifer you can stop with this cringey shit now

Our giggles are collective as we approach my Jeep.

Of course she drives a jeep

Oy.

Oy yah

wrapped around him like a spider monkey,

Im never reading another book by you, Jennifer.

Her breast is in one hand, her sex in the other,

What? Her sex?

I cup her sex in my hand,

Seriously Jennifer?

I feel my pants flood with warmth, my hips jerking up against Sydney. She slows her movements,

Of course this is how his first sexual interaction with Sydney goes. Poor guy. First time having an orgasm from a woman and now his pants and underwear are all wet and sticky and he has to walk home like that. Fuck you Sydney.

“You should go home and get cleaned up.”

Once again Sydney is pissing me off

X-Files onesie.

why

Clementine has hardly spoken to me

We all hate you

Sydney hugs herself, still dressed in my T-shirt, along with her leather bottoms from the night before. She sucks her bottom lip between her teeth. “Are you leaving, Oliver?”

Boohoo

“I just need some space, Oliver,” she replies over her shoulder, stomping through the yard toward her house. “I just need to think.”

Get over yourself Sydney

Frustration eats away at me, uncertain on how to proceed. I did not expect this reaction from her. I did not expect any of this, given the intimacy we just shared.

I feel so bad for him. She is so shitty to him.

Sydney: You didn’t say it back.

Hes is new to this stuff, dumb ass

“Right here?” Nibble. “By the front door?” Nip. “All sweaty and dirty?” Lick.

Never again am i reading a book by this woman