There Is Room for All of You Here

by Michaela Angemeer

sweet boy, don’t make me feel seen you know the only thing i like more than hating men is male validation every man in my life has made it too easy for you they’d rather hold hands with the patriarchy than try to empathize with me

i keep confusing feeling understood with someone understanding how to manipulate me

before my birthday i miss everyone i’ve ever known even though i don’t know them anymore my life flashes before my eyes usually the bad parts i’m never sure if i’m dying or just getting older maybe it’s all the same

my short term memory’s fried but i can still tell you everyone who wronged me as a child

if i eat off of my childhood plates one more time i swear i’ll time travel become the smallest i’ve ever been afraid to take up space again

if i’m the only one trying how do we heal the bonds between us

my grandparents have been dying for years and my voice is too high-pitched for them to hear me say rest in peace while they grow older i stay the same age i can’t be another thing that’s changed all they know about me is that i’m alive they pretend i still talk to mom and see her when i cry

i’d much rather get the news that someone has died than someone is dying i don’t have the words for this part and the only thing worse than saying goodbye is standing in the doorway for an hour

i don’t wanna live up to my parents’ expectations so they know how it feels it’s too bad they taught me how to please everyone but myself sit, down, stay i was always obedient until i strayed i wonder if their new dog is a good boy i wonder if he’s doing a good job of replacing me

why do i have to make my anger agreeable like i'm not allowed to be mad unless i immediately tie it up in a bow

just when i thought i got used to everyone leaving more people are planning their departures and i can’t do another goodbye instead i’m waiting at arrivals for the next friend who feels like family the next person i’ll love the person i’ll become now that you’re gone

is it self-sabotage if it's in my dna women hiding for generations all i hear is hundred-year-old echoes of it's not safe to be yourself we can be brave now i scream back we can trust ourselves i scream back we can love who we love i won’t stop screaming

i hope you know that being open to love again after giving up on it is one of the greatest acts of bravery. even though you’re terrified, you are so courageous. i know vulnerability feels like prying your chest open with scarred palms, but what if it’s worth it? what if you find someone just as soft as you. what if you find someone who knows you don’t deserve to be discarded. what if being seen becomes effortless. what if feeling doesn’t have to hurt. what if they make everything you’ve been through worth it. what if they teach you how to love again.

i wanna buy you a side table even though you've never been in my bed where's the line between hopeful and unhinged i don't wanna make the same mistakes again

when i wrote i think i could love you on your back with my fingertip did you feel it could you love me too

i’ve been by myself for so long that when i feel off balance it’s instinctual to push you away but i don’t want you to leave i need you to stay

i wonder if i’m the first person you called sunshine or kissed three times is this new to you too or is this what olivia was referring to when she wrote deja vu

i bought you a side table if you leave i'll throw it out immediately i'd rather love you like i mean it than be too scared to try

i didn’t know you existed six weeks ago but now you’re making me pancakes kissing my forehead buying me flowers calling me honey singing my favourite songs if you keep this up i might start to think that being with you is better than being solo

i wanna be so gentle with you

i wrote a letter to my future love put it under a candle made a wish two years later i opened it up and couldn’t help but cry because as i was becoming everything i wished for so were you

my nervous system is finally learning what it’s like to feel safe check engine light off maybe i was always ok maybe there was never anything wrong with me to begin with

i'll show you what's hidden even when it hurts what's stored behind old boxes and shame i'll open up to you so you can embrace all my hard parts if you promise to do the same

our love is late night kisses. eyes locked. movie dates. baking brownies. licking the spoon. our love is cut up strawberries. the first spring bloom. our love is a blanket that covers your shoulders. your hand on my knee. flowers just because. our love is sleepy sundays. my nose in your hair. our love is kinetic. our love has a pulse. our love is honey. lavender. silk. our love is warm. our love is soft. our love is endless. our love is ours.