There Is Room for All of You Here

by Michaela Angemeer

i keep confusing feeling understood with someone understanding how to manipulate me

thinking i had to try to get them to love me when i could’ve just been gay instead

i miss everyone i’ve ever known even though i don’t know them anymore

my short term memory’s fried but i can still tell you everyone who wronged me as a child

if i’m the only one trying how do we heal the bonds between us

do we accept the love we think we deserve or do we accept the love we were taught we deserved

when you spend your whole life doing things you don’t want to do it’s hard to stop

i’m waiting at arrivals for the next friend who feels like family the next person i’ll love the person i’ll become now that you’re gone

date yourself. affirm yourself the way you would want a partner to. hug yourself when you cry. listen to yourself. ask the questions you’re afraid to answer. reassure yourself. trust yourself. plan solo trips and go on them. celebrate friendships and chosen family more than you ever have. buy yourself a birthday present for the first time. flowers for no reason. romanticize everything you do by yourself. teach yourself how you want to be loved, and how deserving you are of it.

i refuse to believe that i don’t get to choose how i’m loved

but what if it’s worth it? what if you find someone just as soft as you. what if you find someone who knows you don’t deserve to be discarded. what if being seen becomes effortless. what if feeling doesn’t have to hurt. what if they make everything you’ve been through worth it. what if they teach you how to love again.

is finding someone that scary is falling that terrifying if all you have to gain is love and even if you lose it you’ll be left just as whole as you were with a new appreciation for how someone else can love you like you love you

where's the line between hopeful and unhinged i don't wanna make the same mistakes again

i don’t wanna move too fast but do you want to love me

when i wrote i think i could love you on your back with my fingertip did you feel it could you love me too

hurting you would hurt me more

i’ve been by myself for so long that when i feel off balance it’s instinctual to push you away but i don’t want you to leave i need you to stay

i wanna see you every minute of every day but i also wanna be alone

sometimes i forget we’re more than just friends i want to blame my gemini placement or my mom and dad but honestly i don’t know why my mind changes every time the wind blows and my mood changes as often as the tide

maybe we’re not doomed we just need to eat a vegetable sit with the sun on our face call a friend take a walk or a deep breath hold someone’s hand drink a glass of water smell a freshly cut flower take a shower maybe there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore

where is the line between advocating for myself and trying to control someone else

why did my parents not provide love consistently it's already hard for me

maybe the other shoe won’t drop maybe you’re wearing it maybe i trust you because i finally know what’s good for me to hold on to maybe the steps we walk together are worth it maybe it doesn’t matter where we end up maybe all that matters is right now

i'd rather love you like i mean it than be too scared to try

if my heart says you’re the one and my head knows it’s true why hold back when i could just fall for you

i didn’t know you existed six weeks ago but now you’re making me pancakes kissing my forehead buying me flowers calling me honey singing my favourite songs if you keep this up i might start to think that being with you is better than being solo

i wanna be so gentle with you

one day you’ll wake up and realize that all the work you did was worth it. that excavating every little part of you and telling every last bit not to hide. telling every little piece of yourself you’ve ever been ashamed of that it deserves love too. one day you’ll meet someone who mirrors it all back to you. and you’ll be able to love in a way you never have before. because instead of looking for the cracks, instead of seeing their humanness as a flaw like you saw yours for so many years, all that love and understanding you cultivated for yourself will radiate onto them. and you’ll have your first love where loving them doesn’t mean loving yourself less. you’ll have your first love where loving them means loving yourself even more.

you're making me believe in the impossible like people can be reliable and consistent and stick to their word i've stopped second guessing and double checking i don't have to ask anymore cause when you say you'll be there it’s true

i’m just in love and i can’t stop thinking about them

you're my favourite smell and i like holding your hand we have the same interests and you listen to all my plans

i can love you with all of me and still have so much more to give

you deserve a count on me love. a coffee in the morning love. a makes you playlists kind of love. a play with your hair while you fall asleep kind of love. a call into work cause they don’t want to leave you kind of love. a stay in bed all day kind of love. a spontaneous gift cause it reminds them of you kind of love. a smiles at you for no reason kind of love. a bring you cookies when you have cramps kind of love. an understanding love. a love that wants to grow with you. a love that sees your unwashed hair, your crusty morning eyes, your overthinking, a love that loves you even more because of it. you deserve an unconditional love. a love that makes you feel safe.

i used to think i had to choose one love language to prioritize but effortlessly you give me all five

the truth is for you there’s nothing i wouldn’t do

our love is late night kisses. eyes locked. movie dates. baking brownies. licking the spoon. our love is cut up strawberries. the first spring bloom. our love is a blanket that covers your shoulders. your hand on my knee. flowers just because. our love is sleepy sundays. my nose in your hair. our love is kinetic. our love has a pulse. our love is honey. lavender. silk. our love is warm. our love is soft. our love is endless. our love is ours.

i can’t believe we finally collided in this century cause i am certain i have loved you in more than a thousand different lifetimes

in my things can work out better than i imagined even if it's not what i planned era. in my maybe i can grow into a greater version of me without worrying about doing it perfectly era. in my surrendering era. in my soft era. in my i know who is safe to let in era. in my self-trust era. in my letting myself be cared for era. in my realizing how much love exists in the universe era. in my lover era.