There Is Room for All of You Here

by Michaela Angemeer

i keep confusing feeling understood with someone understanding how to manipulate me

i would be more upset that you forgot about me if i didn’t forget about me too

my short term memory’s fried but i can still tell you everyone who wronged me as a child

if i’m the only one trying how do we heal the bonds between us

do we accept the love we think we deserve or do we accept the love we were taught we deserved

i don’t wanna live up to my parents’ expectations so they know how it feels it’s too bad they taught me how to please everyone but myself sit, down, stay i was always obedient until i strayed i wonder if their new dog is a good boy i wonder if he’s doing a good job of replacing me

why do i have to make my anger agreeable like i'm not allowed to be mad unless i immediately tie it up in a bow

when you spend your whole life doing things you don’t want to do it’s hard to stop

can’t someone be consistent for once can’t one person stick to their word not make me second guess or double check i’m not asking for much just don’t say you’ll be there if you have no plan to

date yourself. affirm yourself the way you would want a partner to. hug yourself when you cry. listen to yourself. ask the questions you’re afraid to answer. reassure yourself. trust yourself. plan solo trips and go on them. celebrate friendships and chosen family more than you ever have. buy yourself a birthday present for the first time. flowers for no reason. romanticize everything you do by yourself. teach yourself how you want to be loved, and how deserving you are of it.

i refuse to believe that i don’t get to choose how i’m loved

i hope you know that being open to love again after giving up on it is one of the greatest acts of bravery. even though you’re terrified, you are so courageous. i know vulnerability feels like prying your chest open with scarred palms, but what if it’s worth it? what if you find someone just as soft as you. what if you find someone who knows you don’t deserve to be discarded. what if being seen becomes effortless. what if feeling doesn’t have to hurt. what if they make everything you’ve been through worth it. what if they teach you how to love again.

i don’t wanna move too fast but i do have an extra toothbrush i don’t wanna move too fast but should we get matching tattoos i don’t wanna move too fast but do you want to go to chicago i don’t wanna move too fast but do you want to uhaul i don’t wanna move too fast but do you want to love me

i’ve been by myself for so long that when i feel off balance it’s instinctual to push you away but i don’t want you to leave i need you to stay

maybe we’re not doomed we just need to eat a vegetable sit with the sun on our face call a friend take a walk or a deep breath hold someone’s hand drink a glass of water smell a freshly cut flower take a shower maybe there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore

one day you’ll wake up and realize that all the work you did was worth it. that excavating every little part of you and telling every last bit not to hide. telling every little piece of yourself you’ve ever been ashamed of that it deserves love too. one day you’ll meet someone who mirrors it all back to you. and you’ll be able to love in a way you never have before. because instead of looking for the cracks, instead of seeing their humanness as a flaw like you saw yours for so many years, all that love and understanding you cultivated for yourself will radiate onto them. and you’ll have your first love where loving them doesn’t mean loving yourself less. you’ll have your first love where loving them means loving yourself even more.

you deserve a count on me love. a coffee in the morning love. a makes you playlists kind of love. a play with your hair while you fall asleep kind of love. a call into work cause they don’t want to leave you kind of love. a stay in bed all day kind of love. a spontaneous gift cause it reminds them of you kind of love. a smiles at you for no reason kind of love. a bring you cookies when you have cramps kind of love. an understanding love. a love that wants to grow with you. a love that sees your unwashed hair, your crusty morning eyes, your overthinking, a love that loves you even more because of it. you deserve an unconditional love. a love that makes you feel safe.

i hope you create moments for yourself in every day. i hope you take deep breaths of fresh air. i hope you remind yourself you’re alive. i hope you love. i hope you realize there are so many things in this life to be in love with. i hope you cherish yourself as much as your relationships. i hope you don’t treat love like it’s a secret. i hope you shout it from the rooftops. i hope you witness all the parts of yourself. i hope you hug your inner child as often as you can. i hope you remember that your purpose in life is to enjoy living. i hope you know that being yourself is enough. i hope you say no to the things that want to hold you back. i hope you feel free. and most of all, i hope you find peace.