There Is Room for All of You Here

by Michaela Angemeer

you have the upper hand could i borrow the advantage just this once

i feel overwhelming grief for my father life turned out in a way he never planned slammed on its breaks flipped his car more than once you can’t outsmart a cycle if you’re too afraid to watch it spin and i’ve never been steel enough to jam the spokes for him a bloodline made of twigs splintered fingers from birth i’m grieving my father but he’s still alive and i don’t know if i’ll have any feelings left when he dies

my grandparents have been dying for years and my voice is too high-pitched for them to hear me say rest in peace while they grow older i stay the same age i can’t be another thing that’s changed all they know about me is that i’m alive they pretend i still talk to mom and see her when i cry

i’d much rather get the news that someone has died than someone is dying i don’t have the words for this part and the only thing worse than saying goodbye is standing in the doorway for an hour

now i know i was scared all the time good morning always laced with landmines

check engine light on permanently inside my body i thought two years of therapy would equal more than lifting up the hood and still not knowing what i’m looking for

though the men in my family will never really understand at least they pick up when i call witness my growth listen when i speak none of us are perfect but i'm glad they're here we won't always get it right but at least we're still trying

hurting you would hurt me more

maybe we’re not doomed we just need to eat a vegetable sit with the sun on our face call a friend take a walk or a deep breath hold someone’s hand drink a glass of water smell a freshly cut flower take a shower maybe there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore

where is the line between advocating for myself and trying to control someone else

maybe the other shoe won’t drop maybe you’re wearing it maybe i trust you because i finally know what’s good for me to hold on to maybe the steps we walk together are worth it maybe it doesn’t matter where we end up maybe all that matters is right now

Alex

i wanna be softer than i’ve ever been for you

i bought you a side table if you leave i'll throw it out immediately i'd rather love you like i mean it than be too scared to try

you're making me believe in the impossible like people can be reliable and consistent and stick to their word i've stopped second guessing and double checking i don't have to ask anymore cause when you say you'll be there it’s true

dear passersby, please forgive this dumb look on my face i’m just in love and i can’t stop thinking about them

you're my favourite smell and i like holding your hand we have the same interests and you listen to all my plans you're soft with yourself and understanding too you're aware of your needs and i can be honest with you could it really be this simple have i not been condemned is this what it's like to build a foundation i thought i only knew how to break them

i can’t believe i settled for scraps for so long bits of affection peppered with rejection taught that the only way i’d be worthy of love was begging on my knees with you it all comes so easily i’m standing on my own two feet i don’t have to ask for anything

i used to think i had to choose one love language to prioritize but effortlessly you give me all five

thought i was better off alone didn’t need someone to rely on thought another’s presence would never make things better but then you walked in smiled nervously somehow saw me immediately and now this one who thought they might be forever lonely has become part of a we

the inner child in me sees the inner child in you

Alex