There Is Room for All of You Here

by Michaela Angemeer

you can’t outsmart a cycle if you’re too afraid to watch it spin

do we accept the love we think we deserve or do we accept the love we were taught we deserved

why do i have to make my anger agreeable like i'm not allowed to be mad unless i immediately tie it up in a bow

i keep sliding between earnest and nihilist i need to mop up the floor everything is either meaningful or meaningless once again i can’t stand cause i’ve never known balance forever stumbling

date yourself. affirm yourself the way you would want a partner to. hug yourself when you cry. listen to yourself. ask the questions you’re afraid to answer. reassure yourself. trust yourself. plan solo trips and go on them. celebrate friendships and chosen family more than you ever have. buy yourself a birthday present for the first time. flowers for no reason. romanticize everything you do by yourself. teach yourself how you want to be loved, and how deserving you are of it.

i refuse to believe that i don’t get to choose how i’m loved

i hope you know that being open to love again after giving up on it is one of the greatest acts of bravery. even though you’re terrified, you are so courageous. i know vulnerability feels like prying your chest open with scarred palms, but what if it’s worth it? what if you find someone just as soft as you. what if you find someone who knows you don’t deserve to be discarded. what if being seen becomes effortless. what if feeling doesn’t have to hurt. what if they make everything you’ve been through worth it. what if they teach you how to love again.

i'm trying to think my way out of things i need to feel instead my brain tells me to catch myself cause it doesn't know the difference between self-protection and destruction

hold my face in your hands make me look right at you tell me there's beauty in the journey tell me i don't have to worry about the destination

maybe we’re not doomed we just need to eat a vegetable sit with the sun on our face call a friend take a walk or a deep breath hold someone’s hand drink a glass of water smell a freshly cut flower take a shower maybe there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore

i bought you a side table if you leave i'll throw it out immediately i'd rather love you like i mean it than be too scared to try

i wanna be so gentle with you

one day you’ll wake up and realize that all the work you did was worth it. that excavating every little part of you and telling every last bit not to hide. telling every little piece of yourself you’ve ever been ashamed of that it deserves love too. one day you’ll meet someone who mirrors it all back to you. and you’ll be able to love in a way you never have before. because instead of looking for the cracks, instead of seeing their humanness as a flaw like you saw yours for so many years, all that love and understanding you cultivated for yourself will radiate onto them. and you’ll have your first love where loving them doesn’t mean loving yourself less. you’ll have your first love where loving them means loving yourself even more.

you deserve a count on me love. a coffee in the morning love. a makes you playlists kind of love. a play with your hair while you fall asleep kind of love. a call into work cause they don’t want to leave you kind of love. a stay in bed all day kind of love. a spontaneous gift cause it reminds them of you kind of love. a smiles at you for no reason kind of love. a bring you cookies when you have cramps kind of love. an understanding love. a love that wants to grow with you. a love that sees your unwashed hair, your crusty morning eyes, your overthinking, a love that loves you even more because of it. you deserve an unconditional love. a love that makes you feel safe.

my nervous system is finally learning what it’s like to feel safe check engine light off maybe i was always ok maybe there was never anything wrong with me to begin with

in loving like this i didn't know there would be so much to grieve for the past love i never received

i hope you remember that your purpose in life is to enjoy living. i hope you know that being yourself is enough.