I Hope This Doesn’t Find You

by Ann Liang

When Julius crosses the finish line alone, the indisputable winner, to wild roars from the spectators, a grin splits over my face.

it’s somehow one of the best things I’ve ever received.

“And Sadie is the light of my life,” Julius says, his lip curling, even though there’s an odd note to his tone. Something that could be confused for sincerity. “The sun in my sky, the source of all my joy. She’s the reason I wake up every morning excited to go to my classes. Not a day goes by where I’m not grateful that she exists, that she’s there, that I get to talk to her and pass her in the halls and listen to her laugh.”

And just like that, the silence is back, a heavy curtain falling between us. It lasts for the rest of the class, then the rest of the day, then the rest of the week. Funny how quickly my definition of torture can change.

“Did you get rejected by a boy or something? If you did, just tell me—I can beat his ass.”

“Julius,” Julius says. I might as well be talking to air. “I go to Sadie’s school. You might have heard about me.” Max scrunches his forehead. “Sorry, bro. Doesn’t really ring a bell.” Before I even have the chance to feel grateful, his eyes narrow. “Hang on a second—are you the one who rejected my sister? Is that why she’s been so mopey?”

Julius is still smiling at me when he replies. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I didn’t know you could count that high,”

HHahbahahhhbssabba

but he’s unfollowed her already.

“I don’t ever let her do anything,” Julius snaps, and even in the dim light, I can make out the shape of his knuckles when he clenches his fists. “She’s smart, okay? She’s a formidable force. She does everything she sets her mind to and nothing can stand in her way. Not even me.”

All I see is the open hurt in Julius’s eyes,

Bro you cant even see his eyes

I can’t stop thinking about him.

Famouse last words

eleven

turnummer

“It’s Julius, isn’t it?” Abigail says. “You’re talking about Julius Gong.”

(glitter emoji) friend-instincts (glitter emoji)

But I also remember the softness of his blazer around my shoulders. The look on his face tonight, the quick violence in his voice when his brother spoke of me. His breathing, quiet beside me, as he swept confetti from the floor after the party. His hands, firm but warm around my wrists after the race. The shine of the medal, the light in his eyes, the curve of his lips. So beautiful and infuriating and confusing. So ready to split me open with a single word, stitch me up again with a fleeting touch.

emails—”

- I sent them out …

“You realize that, according to the laws of physics, something can’t disappear if it never existed in the first place, right? Matter can’t be created or destroyed—”

God forbid a girl has hobbies

A high-pitched, strangled sound escapes my mouth. His brows furrow. “Sorry?” “I was just—saying hi,” I say brightly. “In greeting. Hello.”

You good, Yeah?

“Quite,” she confirms somberly. “But I’ll handle it.” Before I can even ask, she speaks up in a loud voice, so loud it drowns out the rumbling engines. “It’s great to see that the windows are so sturdy, Sadie. Thank you so much for testing that out for me. I’m now inclined to believe that the news article I read about that twenty-year-old who crashed headfirst through the bus window and left a human-shaped hole in the glass was most likely fake.”

Omggg I LOVE Abigail

sad music for hot girls,

Queen behavior

Now, the paddle might be a little heavy for you—”

Perhaps not

“You’re so mean to me.”

Julius Gong is dead to me, I vow silently.

Dramaqueen

She, on the other hand, likes to fall asleep to horror films. Claims she finds the suspenseful music relaxing.

Queen behavior

I flush. Look away. But I can sense his gaze on me for the rest of the movie. It’s the longest movie I’ve ever seen.

stacking my paper plate with as much food as it can physically carry.

QUEEN BEHAVIOR

Then I drape my cardigan over the log and sit down on it,

Real

Sympathetic murmurs travel around the tight circle,

As if

Instead everybody relaxes

Now thats more like it

“Sorry, is that meant to be scary?”

HAAAHHAH i'm dying over here

“Okay, do we have any non-homework-related stories?” someone else asks.

THE AUDACITY…

“Sure it is,” I mutter. But everyone’s already listening closely, hanging on to his every word.

Tuff crowd

Then, somewhere in the distance a door slams, and Ray lets out such a high-pitched shriek I briefly wonder if a chicken has broken loose.

ABAAHJHAAHHA the definition of a queen comback

Everyone knows I’m gorgeous, right? Sometimes when I’m walking past a mirror, I have to stop for a few seconds because I can’t believe how stunning I am. Like, damn.”

Eyyyyy CONFIDENCE

Even more shocking than Abigail’s prediction about Rosie devoting the rest of her life to being a nun.

Abigail is going places

“Um, Sadie—”

NOOOO HE IS PROBABLY BEHIND HER??!!?!!

It’s somewhat difficult to hear him over the sound of my dignity splintering into a thousand pieces.

Dramaqueen

No, there’s more?

HAHAHABABHA

Then, from inside a cabin, someone starts yelling.

I predict it is someone who has seen a teacher trowing up (food poisoning)

“The roof is leaking,” he gasps. “I was doing my skincare routine and I felt a splash of freezing water on my arm.”

Highne King

Ray narrows his eyes. “What’s wrong with it? You’re just jealous you don’t have beautiful, shiny skin like me.”

Like I said : King

“Where are the teachers when you need them?”

REAL

I’m so tired of playing nice, of smiling as people walk over me. What I’m realizing is that if you’re quiet about the things that hurt you, people are only going to mistake your tolerance for permission. And they’re going to hurt you again and again.

“Wait, Julius and Sadie kissed each other?” someone asks. “Why am I so behind on the gossip? How did I miss this?”

I know girl, I know

“You have to understand . . . If you knew the effect you had on me, how often I think about you, the things I would do for you . . . I wouldn’t stand a chance against you ever again. You would have taken everything from me,” he goes on in a rush, like the words are burning him from within, like he has to get it out before the pain becomes overwhelming. “Not just a debating championship or some points for a test or a fancy award or a spot in a competition—but my whole heart. My pride. God, my sanity. It would be all over. You would annihilate me.”

“I mean, nothing has even really happened between us,” he says hoarsely, “and already it’s hard for me to concentrate whenever you’re around. My brother was right, in a sense, about you being a distraction, except you’re so much more than that. I can’t pretend to care about the things that once interested me. I can’t fall asleep. I play through every look you’ve ever cast in my direction. I read through your emails over and over until they’re carved into my memory. You did this to me,” he says, and there’s a rough, bitter edge to his voice now, nearly an accusation.

Because I’m willing to lose everything,” he says, his eyes blacker than the surrounding darkness, than the sky outside, “so long as I don’t lose you.”

Okay…now I get the hype about this man

“Of course, if you . . . if you don’t want to,” he says into the silence, sliding his gaze away from me, “I can accept that. I won’t bring it up again. I know I’m not . . . I know what I’m like. That I’m infuriating. And selfish. And cruel. I know I’m not perfect the way my brother is, and I manage to disappoint my parents every time. It’s okay if you don’t choose me, really—I never expected to be the first choice. I wouldn’t blame you—”

“I choose you,” I say quietly, glad for the shadows concealing my flushed cheeks. For the support of the wall behind me. “You’ll always be my first choice, Julius Gong.”

“No. Only what you say.”