I Hope This Doesn’t Find You

by Ann Liang

I

“You know what I think?” he murmurs, drawing so close his mouth skims my ear, his cruel face blurring in my vision. My breath catches. Goose bumps rise over my bare skin. “I think you’re obsessed with me, Sadie Wen.”

Abigail purses her lips. “Don’t panic—” I panic.

A video is playing on loop over the screen. A fan-edit, to be exact, of Caz Song—that popular actor all my cousins in China have a major crush on.

Turns out I always want to be wanted, even by the boy I loathe.

“Your entire existence is basically a run‑on sentence.”

“And he’s always going on about how intimidatingly smart you are. How hard he has to work to keep up with you.”

“No,” she says, with too much emphasis. “Although, just to put it out there, even if you were a serial killer, I would absolutely stick by you and sharpen your knives.” “How sweet.” “I’d also clean the blood off your bathroom floor,” she adds brightly. “I was reading this fascinating article the other day about how to use basic laundry detergents to do just that. You wouldn’t have to worry about leaving behind any evidence.” “Okay, wait.” I hold up a hand. “In this—frankly disturbing, highly unrealistic—scenario you’ve conjured out of nowhere, why am I murdering people in my bathroom?” “Well, you wouldn’t be murdering people in your kitchen. That’s just unhygienic.” I grimace. “I fear this conversation has gotten away from us.”

“Forget it,” I mumble. “You won’t understand.” “I’m trying to.”

“I have all your emails memorized word for word,” he says, then instantly looks like he regrets having spoken.

“Because,” he says quietly, a curious expression on his face. I’ve never seen him so serious. So sincere. “You’re the only person worth paying attention to.”

“Glitter is, without a doubt, the worst thing humanity has ever invented.” For reasons that escape me, I decide that the best response to this is: “What about weapons of war?” “Excuse me?”

“All of this is to say that Julius is lovely,” I say quickly.

“And Sadie is the light of my life,” Julius says, his lip curling, even though there’s an odd note to his tone. Something that could be confused for sincerity. “The sun in my sky, the source of all my joy. She’s the reason I wake up every morning excited to go to my classes. Not a day goes by where I’m not grateful that she exists, that she’s there, that

I get to talk to her and pass her in the halls and lis...

I’m concerned he’s gone a bit too far with the irony, but Principal Miller looks convince...

“I find it bracing.” The corner of his mouth quirks, his eyes black and razor-sharp on me. “And perhaps I prefer the challenge.” “Sounds masochistic.”

“Your wish is my command,” he says sweetly.

After ten minutes of this, I lose my patience. “Are you here to select bread or a future wife? What’s taking so long?” His smile is sharp, taunting. “The latter.”

And if he ever comes in second, it’s not because he isn’t good enough—it’s simply because I’m better—” Julius coughs. “Is this whole thing building up to a self-congratulatory speech?” “Are you unable to stop yourself from being irritating when I’m literally defending you?” I hiss. “Yes, well, you seemed to be getting sidetracked—” “You’re the one getting sidetracked.”

And I’ve decided I would like to stop existing.

I’m hitting my head very slowly against the window.

I flush. Look away. But I can sense his gaze on me for the rest of the movie. It’s the longest movie I’ve ever seen.

It’s somewhat difficult to hear him over the sound of my dignity splintering into a thousand pieces.

Then the long fingers around my wrist tighten. He grabs my other wrist. Locks both of them together with one hand, pins them to the wall behind me, high above my head.

“You have to understand . . . If you knew the effect you had on me, how often I think about you, the things I would do for you . . . I wouldn’t stand a chance against you ever again. You would have taken everything from me,” he goes on in a rush, like the words are burning him from within, like he has to get it out before the pain becomes overwhelming. “Not just a debating championship or some points for a test or a fancy award or a spot in a competition—but my whole heart. My pride. God, my sanity. It would be all over. You would annihilate me.”

Because I’m willing to lose everything,” he says, his eyes blacker than the surrounding darkness, than the sky outside, “so long as I don’t lose you.”

“You’ll always be my first choice, Julius Gong.”

“Really?” “Really.”

“You’re killing me now,” he murmurs against my neck. His lips graze my skin, and his other hand slides up, tangles in my hair, his nails lightly scraping my scalp. Despite myself, I feel my resolve buckle. “Isn’t that enough?” “No.” I try to ignore it. The heat in my veins. The crisp scent of him, peppermint and rain. For once I have all the power, and I’d be a fool to let it go without putting up a good fight—no matter how badly I want him to just kiss me. “Fine, then.” His breath warms the shell of my ear. Tickles my cheek. “Please.” I can feel my heart pounding. “What?” “Please, Sadie. I’m begging.”

He pauses, which feels like unfair punishment. Then he brings his lips firmly up to mine again. “Do you always pay such close attention to everything people say?” he demands between short, uneven breaths. “No. Only what you say.” A sharp intake of air. “You have to stop doing that, Sadie.” His hand tightens around my waist. “I won’t survive it.”

“It’s us, Sadie,” he says, like that’s answer enough. “When have we been bad at anything?”

For ten years I thought I was preparing to destroy you, when really I was preparing to love you. All of which is to say I really hope this finds you. And I hope you find me too. Sadie

You were right, Sadie Wen. I am completely, helplessly obsessed with you. Love, Julius