I Hope This Doesn’t Find You

by Ann Liang

Sometimes I think I would give them one of my own arms if they asked very nicely.

people pleaser princess

And though the feeling is very much mutual, it still drives a small, blunt nail into my gut. Turns out I always want to be wanted, even by the boy I loathe.

I wonder if he even remembers. I wonder if he keeps as clear a record of our every exchange as I do.

It’s what I’ve always done, or tried to do. Fix the back door in the bakery. Fix the error in the math worksheet. Fix the seating arrangement for student council. Fix the gap in my family, the holes in my life, patch everything up, smooth everything over. She’s right. I just need to fix this too, and it’ll all work out.

me core

“Oh, I know you. You’re the other captain, right? My little brother talks about you all the time.”

he’s always going on about how intimidatingly smart you are. How hard he has to work to keep up with you.”

His smiles really do feel like miracles. Especially when you’re on the receiving end of them.

I do need you here, I want to say. Don’t leave me at this party by myself. Please don’t go yet. But the words stick to my throat; I’ve never been good at asking people for things.

Because Julius has also accused me of plenty of things in the past, but he’s never faulted me for being intense. For being too much of anything. For wanting to win. He’s part of the reason why winning is worth it.

“I really can’t stand it when people are angry at me. Like, I know it might be simple for others, but I can’t focus on anything else. I can’t just forget about it and go on with my own life. It’s like there’s something hard wedged inside my chest. I’ll always feel guilty. I’ll always want to make amends.”

“What do you want, then? I can give it to you.” This should be a simple enough question. Multiple choice at most. But he falters as if he’s received a three-thousand-word essay prompt. Swallows. Looks away. “Nothing,” he says at last. “I don’t—want anything.”

“Be quiet.” I clamp both my hands over his mouth. “You’re prettier when you don’t talk.”

“Because,” he says quietly, a curious expression on his face. I’ve never seen him so serious. So sincere. “You’re the only person worth paying attention to.”

even though I can’t decide what it really means—a gift, a form of compensation, proof of something—it’s somehow one of the best things I’ve ever received.

“And Sadie is the light of my life,” Julius says, his lip curling, even though there’s an odd note to his tone. Something that could be confused for sincerity. “The sun in my sky, the source of all my joy. She’s the reason I wake up every morning excited to go to my classes. Not a day goes by where I’m not grateful that she exists, that she’s there, that I get to talk to her and pass her in the halls and listen to her laugh.”

he wants that cookie so bad

“He’s into you,” Max remarks from behind me. I startle. “Excuse me?” “He kept looking over at you,” he says with a little grin. “At least thirty times. I counted.”

for the first time in a while, I don’t feel like the year level’s number one villain. I don’t feel like the perfect student either; I’m just one of them.

she finally feels belong 😭💗💗

while I’ve been trying to see the best in him, he’s been assuming the worst of me. “You know what? I hate you,” I breathe, because it’s easier to say I hate you than you hurt me.

What I’m realizing is that if you’re quiet about the things that hurt you, people are only going to mistake your tolerance for permission. And they’re going to hurt you again and again.

“You have to understand . . . If you knew the effect you had on me, how often I think about you, the things I would do for you . . . I wouldn’t stand a chance against you ever again. You would have taken everything from me,” he goes on in a rush, like the words are burning him from within, like he has to get it out before the pain becomes overwhelming. “Not just a debating championship or some points for a test or a fancy award or a spot in a competition—but my whole heart. My pride. God, my sanity. It would be all over. You would annihilate me.”

Because I’m willing to lose everything,” he says, his eyes blacker than the surrounding darkness, than the sky outside, “so long as I don’t lose you.”

For ten years I thought I was preparing to destroy you, when really I was preparing to love you. All of which is to say I really hope this finds you. And I hope you find me too.

You were right, Sadie Wen. I am completely, helplessly obsessed with you. Love, Julius