I Hope This Doesn’t Find You

by Ann Liang

It’s embarrassing how tight I latch on to these little pieces of validation, how much I want to be liked, to make everyone happy. Sometimes I think I would give them one of my own arms if they asked very nicely.

Relatable

Footsteps storming out the living room and the slam of the door, like a thunderclap, the rumble of the engine, then the horrible, crushing quiet. That’s what happens when people get angry. They leave, permanently, and they forget you, and there’s no going back.

“You know what I think?” he murmurs, drawing so close his mouth skims my ear, his cruel face blurring in my vision. My breath catches. Goose bumps rise over my bare skin. “I think you’re obsessed with me, Sadie Wen.”

PLEASSEEEEEEEUUUHHHH

Sometimes I dream about throttling you. I would do it slowly. I would do it when you weren’t ready, when you were relaxed. I imagine wrapping my hands around your long, pale throat and watching the fear bloom in your eyes. I imagine your skin turning red, your breathing quickening as you struggle. I want to watch you in pain, up close. I want you to beg me. I want you to admit you were wrong, that I’ve won. Maybe you would even sink to your knees for me. Plead for mercy. That would be fun, but even then, that wouldn’t be enough—

MY GOD.

I don’t want to remember the heat of his lips near my skin, the glint in his eyes, the malice dripping from his voice.

LOL

“Don’t disgust me. I would never write diary entries about you—” He cocks his head. Smiles with his lips but not his eyes. “And yet it’s clear I’m all you ever think about.”

Oh my GAWSH

“Seriously, Julius,” I say through clenched teeth, lifting my hand, “if you don’t stop talking, I’ll—” “Hit me?” His smile sharpens, as though in challenge. It’s a smile that says you wouldn’t dare. “Choke me, the way you fantasized about in your email?”

DNSJSHHHSJS

Her words clang inside my head. Fix this. It’s what I’ve always done, or tried to do. Fix the back door in the bakery. Fix the error in the math worksheet. Fix the seating arrangement for student council. Fix the gap in my family, the holes in my life, patch everything up, smooth everything over. She’s right. I just need to fix this too, and it’ll all work out. But how?

Real

Because beneath my apprehension is the stronger, deeply ingrained need to be liked. To be accepted. To be forgiven. To be recognized as good. I’ll do anything to redeem myself.

dare i say... Me...

“And he’s always going on about how intimidatingly smart you are. How hard he has to work to keep up with you.”

PLS

I let my anger carve away my nerves and close my eyes and kiss him. It’s so fast, so light that I only have time to register the startling softness of his lips before I’m reeling back again.

H E L PP PPPPP P

“You call that a kiss?” he says on a scoff. His voice comes out lower than usual, and I can see the effort in the movement of his throat. “That was barely anything.” The heat inside me flares higher, incinerating all logic and reservation. I want to slap that smug look off his face, but then I think of something even better. “What about this, then?” I challenge, and before he can reply, I grab the collar of his shirt and pull him to me. This time, when our lips meet, I don’t back away. I deepen the kiss, letting my fingers slide up his neck, curl into his hair. For one moment, I can feel his shock, the tension running through his frame like a heated wire, and I think: I’ve won. I’ve proven him wrong. Then he kisses me back, presses me closer, and something inside me slides off-balance.

OH!

I can’t concentrate. The most terrible part of this is that it doesn’t feel terrible at all; not the warm flush of his skin against mine or the firmness of his grip or the breathless sound in the back of his throat. I want to stay like this. I want to keep going.

O H ?

“I really can’t stand it when people are angry at me. Like, I know it might be simple for others, but I can’t focus on anything else. I can’t just forget about it and go on with my own life. It’s like there’s something hard wedged inside my chest. I’ll always feel guilty. I’ll always want to make amends.”

relatable..

“Be quiet.” I clamp both my hands over his mouth. “You’re prettier when you don’t talk.”

I-

“Because,” he says quietly, a curious expression on his face. I’ve never seen him so serious. So sincere. “You’re the only person worth paying attention to.”

O. M. G.

Then suddenly, without warning, his arms are around me. If I weren’t so dizzy, I would jerk away. But to my own humiliation, I lean into him. It’s nice. It’s horribly, disgustingly wonderful, to feel the warmth of his body, the hard lines of his chest. I could sink into this moment forever, could let him hold me and— No.

LOLLLLL

“And Sadie is the light of my life,” Julius says, his lip curling, even though there’s an odd note to his tone. Something that could be confused for sincerity. “The sun in my sky, the source of all my joy. She’s the reason I wake up every morning excited to go to my classes. Not a day goes by where I’m not grateful that she exists, that she’s there, that I get to talk to her and pass her in the halls and listen to her laugh.”

H E L L O ?

“Close, but no. If we die, that’s very inconvenient for them. If we hook up, that’s both inconvenient and awkward for them.” I’m pretty sure all my organs stop functioning. “What—” “When I say we, I obviously don’t mean—us,” he clarifies, and despite the taunting note in his voice, his cheeks turn red. He’s blushing, I realize. It’s so bizarre. So unlike him. It’s a visible weakness, and I quietly file it away for later use.

LOOOLLLL

It’s sunset, the sky is the perfect shade of pink, the air just warm enough that you can slip out of your sweater and set it down on the sand like a towel. You can hear the waves lapping against the shore, taste the salt on your tongue. There’s music playing softly from someone’s phone speaker. You’re sitting next to the person you’ve been eyeing for the whole semester, and when a breeze rises and messes up your hair, he lifts his hand and . . .” And he actually demonstrates, reaching out across the tight space and brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear, his cool fingertips grazing my skin.

HHHEHEELPEPEEPEP

“Not even if they did this?” he asks quietly, and he leans forward. All at once he’s too close, overwhelmingly close. I’m frozen to the spot as he pauses on purpose, his mouth bare inches from the base of my neck, so I can feel his breath trembling against my skin. “Do you need me to demonstrate further?”

I-

“You’ve been moping because of a boy, last I heard,” he whispers against my ear. Heat rushes up my neck, gathering around the point where I can feel his lips. “Who is it? Do I know him?”

I…

I’m going to tell him, and I’m going to pray he won’t reject me on the spot.

OMG OMG

A high-pitched, strangled sound escapes my mouth. His brows furrow. “Sorry?” “I was just—saying hi,” I say brightly. “In greeting. Hello.” He shoots me a weird look and walks right past me without another word. And I’ve decided I would like to stop existing.

LMFAOOOOOOO

It’s not as if I was ever certain I could be his first choice. But knowing that I’m his last choice—it’s a twist of a knife in the gut.

Oh

“Okay, okay, here’s one: Once there was a girl called . . . um, Skye. She was very smart and very organized. She had a habit of keeping all her homework notes and certificates and important files in a special compartment inside her locker. Then one day . . . she discovered that her locker was empty.”

I felt the aura loss from here

I’m so tired of playing nice, of smiling as people walk over me. What I’m realizing is that if you’re quiet about the things that hurt you, people are only going to mistake your tolerance for permission. And they’re going to hurt you again and again.

He grabs my other wrist. Locks both of them together with one hand, pins them to the wall behind me, high above my head. “Hold. Still.”

I… OMG

Because soon my eyes have adjusted enough to make out Julius’s face, bare inches from mine. He’s breathing hard, the muscles in his arms tensed from holding me in place. One step closer and our lips would touch.

HELEPEPEPSPE

“You have to understand . . . If you knew the effect you had on me, how often I think about you, the things I would do for you . . . I wouldn’t stand a chance against you ever again. You would have taken everything from me,” he goes on in a rush, like the words are burning him from within, like he has to get it out before the pain becomes overwhelming. “Not just a debating championship or some points for a test or a fancy award or a spot in a competition—but my whole heart. My pride. God, my sanity. It would be all over. You would annihilate me.”

H U H

“I mean, nothing has even really happened between us,” he says hoarsely, “and already it’s hard for me to concentrate whenever you’re around. My brother was right, in a sense, about you being a distraction, except you’re so much more than that. I can’t pretend to care about the things that once interested me. I can’t fall asleep. I play through every look you’ve ever cast in my direction. I read through your emails over and over until they’re carved into my memory. You did this to me,”

Because I’m willing to lose everything,” he says, his eyes blacker than the surrounding darkness, than the sky outside, “so long as I don’t lose you.”

OMG

It’s okay if you don’t choose me, really—I never expected to be the first choice. I wouldn’t blame you—” “I do choose you.”

AKNSDHSJDJJFDBDHBD

“I choose you,” I say quietly, glad for the shadows concealing my flushed cheeks. For the support of the wall behind me. “You’ll always be my first choice, Julius Gong.”

Im giggling omff

“You’re killing me now,” he murmurs against my neck. His lips graze my skin, and his other hand slides up, tangles in my hair, his nails lightly scraping my scalp. Despite myself, I feel my resolve buckle. “Isn’t that enough?”

CURRENTLY GIGGLIGN AND KICKING MY FEET OKMFGGGGHDJDBFHXX

His breath warms the shell of my ear. Tickles my cheek. “Please.” I can feel my heart pounding. “What?” “Please, Sadie. I’m begging.”

oh MY GOSJ

My brain is buzzing, but all my thoughts are floating, nonsensical fragments as he deepens the kiss, wraps a hand around my waist, forces me farther back until my spine is pressed flat to the wall.

HEEEELLLLPPPPP

“N‑nothing. I just—” It’s hard to focus. I squeeze my eyes shut. “It just doesn’t feel real.” He shifts back, and the sudden absence almost feels like physical pain—until he kisses the curve of my neck. Murmurs, “I know. Even when I was imagining it—” “You imagined this?”

QHAT

“Do you always pay such close attention to everything people say?” he demands between short, uneven breaths. “No. Only what you say.” A sharp intake of air. “You have to stop doing that, Sadie.” His hand tightens around my waist. “I won’t survive it.”

PLEASE

In response, he only moves close to me, wonderfully, terrifyingly close, his mouth traveling over my jaw, and everything is spinning, spinning out of control, my heartbeat racing ahead of me. I almost forget how to speak. How to breathe. “Does this feel bad to you?”

OH MY

And in either case, I don’t have the strength to argue any further, because he’s kissing me again, and it’s everything. It’s so satisfyingly perfect. It’s as if I’ve been suffocating in silence for days, months, years, and now I can finally inhale. Nothing has ever made as much sense as his hands on my waist, his heart hammering against my rib cage, the involuntary sound he makes when I adjust my posture, slide my hand farther down his neck to the hollow of his collarbones. He says my name, whispers it like it’s sacred. And just when I’m wondering how we could ever stop this, how I could ever do anything except listen to his sharp intakes of breath, let him kiss me until my head goes fuzzy—

Oh my gosh bro

You were right, Sadie Wen. I am completely, helplessly obsessed with you. Love, Julius

AJAHHGDHSHWDIFOFJFI