The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center

by Rhaina Cohen

From our first encounter with Disney movies and rom-coms, we’re taught to fantasize about finding our soulmate, who, in psychologist Bella DePaulo’s words, we also expect to be our sole mate. A romantic partner is supposed to be the one-stop shop where we can meet the full spectrum of our practical and psychological needs. For a lot of people, that now includes the role of best friend. Whereas, in the past, the overlapping features of marriage and friendship equalized different types of relationships, the spouse-is-my-best-friend phenomenon feels like hoarding; spouses, who are already in a place of honor, get to claim the top title in another relationship category. This privileging of romantic relationships can make them feel compulsory. Singleness might not carry the same stigma as it did just decades ago, especially for women. And yet, like Paula from the introduction, we may have internalized the message that we’re missing something fundamental if we’re not in a romantic relationship. Language like my other half suggests that you only graduate to being a full human once you have a romantic partner. At the same time, the one-stop-shopping ideal sets unrealistic standards, setting the stage for disappointment. (Dating apps probably don’t help, as they give the impression that someone better is only a swipe away.) These two relationship ideals can push in opposite directions: the urge to find our “other half” can lead us to jump into romantic relationships while the one-s...