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“Jeremy,” I utter brokenly. “I can’t.” “This doesn’t chan—” He snaps his head around, his gaze crashing into mine so fast, I rear back. And in a guttural voice, he says, “It changes everything
This scenario is not one I ever imagined. The one with Jeremy walking away. The one with my heart in my throat. The one where it feels as if I’m being physically ripped apart as two timelines converge.
Twelve minutes and thirteen seconds. That’s how long I had to exist on this planet without my sister. And Mommy and Daddy said I screamed for every single moment of it.
“You’re just more…careful than her. You’re a thinker,” she’d told me once, tapping me on the head. “Isobel leads with her heart, you lead with your brain. And that’s not a bad thing.”
The last thing I see before the door closes behind him is his red backpack and the name stitched across the pocket. And all I can think is…
I found you.
I slide my finger lower, drawing letters across the glass, seeing them in my head as if I was using a pencil on paper. A picture for me and me only. Mason. His name is Mason.
“So who is he?” I demand after a moment. “Who?” “Jeremy.”
“But I wanna know who Jeremy is.”
Again, I can’t help but think of Jeremy, wondering who he sits with at lunch.
“So…so I won’t always be like this.”
“But it’s Mason.”
“He’s not just some boy.”
And of course it has to be something romantic playing right now. “I Knew I Loved You” by Savage Garden.
He gulps. “And then…you showed up.”
“What did I do to make you shut me out? For years now, you’ve been…pulling away. Just tell me what I did.”
He could never love me in the way I crave so desperately…not in this timeline. Not in this universe.
Our stars are only ever meant to exist from opposite sides of the sun burning brightly forever between us.
Eyes creasing, he says, “What’s your dream then?” You. You’re my dream.
If not for me, for him. Always for him. Because I might not be a hero like him, but he is and always has been my kryptonite.
“And then someday, there will be this guy, and he’s gonna come along and-and push all the right buttons. You’re gonna fight it. Be stubborn as always. But fuck, he’s gonna fall so hard. And you’re gonna fall so hard right back, because…because he won’t give up. He’ll never rest until you let him in.”
“And you shouldn’t be. You should have ridiculous standards and expectations, and settle for nothing less than everything.”
“And he’s gonna be the luckiest man in the world, whoever he is. Because…you don’t let people in easily. You don’t love freely. So to have that…”
In his arms, I’m a stand-in for someone else. In mine, he’s everything I’ve always wanted.
“She’s the love of my life.” Yeah, well, you’re mine, Mason. So fuck us both I guess.
I found my way here, into Jeremy’s bed. Of all fucking places to go…
With him, I don’t have to be strong and put-together.
With him, I’m not feeding some ego-driven desire, but rather feeding some deep-seated need to just…exist. It’s a need I never really considered enough to even put words to, until I no longer had what fulfilled it. Or rather…who.
“I didn’t even let myself consider the possibility until you brought it up the other night,”
The center cannot hold.
“Just a line from a poem I like. ‘Things fall apart; the center cannot hold.’ Basically means that, no matter how hard we try to maintain
control and order, chaos will inevitably get its turn. There is no one without the other. Things break and start anew and break again. It’s inevitable.”
“I’m done being some kind of…stand-in for her. A place for him to dump all that love on, because she’s not here to take it.”
“Then why…why am I sober right now, and I still want this?” My voice cracks, betraying me. “Why?”
“Right now, I can’t stand the thought of never kissing you again,”
Out of a void. He is the void. Him. Jeremy. He’s what’s been missing all along… What I’ve been chasing. Right in front of my fucking face. But it doesn’t matter now, does it?
