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In the corner of the room, Waylon’s attention is no longer on the Nintendo, but on the hallway just past me, where I can hear two sets of footsteps drawing closer.
Aw, crushing hard
Behind me, an unfamiliar voice follows just as I round the corner, into the kitchen, disappearing from sight. “Hi, Way.” Will.
Izzy told me he’s Waylon’s best friend, though Waylon likes to pretend he hates him.
<3
Even Waylon likes him, and Waylon doesn’t like anybody.
“Did you have a good birthday?” “Yeah,” I hear JJ say, “it was the best.” I’m grinning all the way back to the garage.
Waylon gives me a funny look. “What?” He rolls his eyes, just as Will starts singing, “Mason and Izzy, sittin’ in a tre—”
I wonder if he showed his mom the ring. I wonder why I hope he didn’t. I wonder why it feels different, more special, that he kept it to himself. And I wonder why I suddenly feel like I did something wrong.
She kissed me. Izzy. Kissed. Me.
During lunch, Izzy tells me she wants me to be her boyfriend. Tells me we’re gonna get married one day. I laugh at that, but I don’t let her hand go. It feels nice.
And then, over our lunch trays, in front of Will and Waylon and the entire cafeteria, I kiss Izzy—quick, but soft right on the lips, just like she kissed me.
“But Waylon,” Mom says on another sob. “We can’t leave him.” “No, we can’t,” Dad says softly, and I frown.
</3
Gay. That’s a bad word, Mom, is all I can think, as memories of getting that word spit at me at school replay through my head, making my chest feel all tight.
Oh my baby boy
He’s…he’s going to survive this. That kid’s stronger than I think a lot of us give him credit for. Hell, he kept all this inside for months.”
what the kids say at school…the fact my parents seem to think the same thing, but still love me for it…
I don’t want to be whatever it is they all think I am. So I won’t. I just… won’t.
“I kissed him,” she tells me loud enough to be heard over the music. And there’s this feeling, like a weight being dropped from my chest to my gut.
“Who?” I whisper through the cottony feeling in my throat. My voice sounds very far away. Everything feels very far away. She rolls her eyes, her smile not fading one bit. “Mason, obviously.” Obviously…
I’m…confused. Sad, I think. But why?
Everything she’s saying… It’s wrong, it’s all wrong.
“Why do you always have to change everything?” My voice shakes something fierce, like I’m crumbling from the inside out. She scoots off the bed, and stands to face me. I meet her gaze. “Why do you ruin everything?” I growl.
“But she always wants more. Nothing is good enough for her. And she just…she just takes it. It’s not fair.”
“So…so I won’t always be like this.” Mom goes very still. “What do you mean?” I shrug, and wrap my arms around my middle, making myself as small as possible. She ducks her head, searching my face with a frown. “Bubs, there’s nothing wrong with who you are now.”
“I know things have been hard for you. I know life dealt you a crappy hand. I can’t promise you it will get easier, but I can promise you there’s nothing wrong with you. And that you’re loved, no matter what happens. As you are now, and as whoever you become.”
“And Mason…he’s still your friend, no matter what happens between him and your sister. Your bond with him is yours and yours alone. She can’t touch that, or take that. Nor would she ever try.
“And he…he likes her too. He has to, right?” I say, meeting her gaze once more. Mom smiles that sad smile again. “She’s a girl,” I tell her, because that feels important.
I murmur, “But it’s Mason.” Our eyes meet, and again, there’s something there I can’t pinpoint. I chew my lip, waiting for her to say something. “He’s not just some boy.”
He’s not your friend because of who your sister is. He’s your friend because of you.”
“And nothing changes for me and you, right?” he says, and there’s a worried pinch to his features now that wasn’t there before. “We’re still best friends?”
AGE 11, JUNE Will moved back to Philadelphia.
</3
Waylon wouldn’t tell us much about what happened—why they suddenly stopped being friends—other than something about Will and a girl in our class who they both apparently liked.
Way you little liar
“Can I have a brother?” She whirls away from the washing machine, to look down at me with wide eyes. “A brother?” I shrug, squeezing my teddy bear to my chest. “Or a sister. I wanna be a big brother.”
Phoebe <3
You’d be the best big brother ever.”
Big gray-blue eyes look up over Mom’s head, meeting mine. Pale blond hair, nearly white, hangs around their face, all the way down to their neck where it curls up under the black beanie they wear. The kid’s four, maybe five.
My baby Phoebe
I turn my focus back on the kid and say, “Hi. I’m Mason.” They look up at that. “Brother.”
Crush is the coolest. He’s all whoa, dude, and sup, dude,” I say, deepening my voice, doing my best impression of the surfer turtle. The kid lifts their head, shyly peeking up at me through the hair hanging around their face. “Squirt.”
Crush and Squirt eeeee I'm crying
“I always wanted to be a big brother.”
It starts out as an accident, the first time it happens.
Oh no
Staring into Squirt’s eyes, I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner. This is my little sister.
Why I don’t tell Izzy first, I don’t know. And I don’t really question it. Jeremy’s the only one I’ve been dying to tell all night,
where there’s a wall, there’s a Jeremy.
Nice play on Will and Way
I just know that every time I see him, every time we talk, I wait for his voice to crack—to show me the Mason I know is still in there—the one who’ll sneak away from Izzy and Waylon to come hang out with me; the one who saved me from bullies all those years ago; the one who feels like a secret that is mine and only mine…
If it weren’t for Izzy and Mason, and the fact we were raised together like brothers… Would he just be like everyone else who bullied me when I was younger?
Way would never
They’ll know. They’ll suspect. …They already do.
It’s like everyone knew a secret about me, before I even knew there was something to try and keep hidden.
And then I feel it—feel him—and my brain empties of every thought but him. Masonmasonmason— His lips touch mine, soft, dry, even a little chapped. And everything else just…ceases to exist. Mason Wyatt is kissing me.
I did it. And not accidentally this time.
What’s a little blood for some peace?
There’s a melody stuck in my head. It’s been in my head for weeks now. I don’t know what song it belongs to. And it’s bugging me.
The song playing when he kissed Jeremy???
Maybe one day, I’ll make my own songs, and someone else will have them scribbled all over their journal…
Hell. Absolute Hell is what this is. Watching him with her…
