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Either way, I’ll always have her. That I can count on. She’s my best friend.
I throw my request out at the star racing across the sky… Hoping. Praying. Wishing… I wish, I wish, I wish—
“The stars are angels,” she’d said, fingers running through my hair as she pointed up at the twinklin’ sky. “It’s why we make wishes on them. God sent them to light up the scary dark, and watch over us, hear our prayers, our dreams…”
If the stars are dead… Where are the angels?
“No. No, Iz. I’m not worth that.” She whips her head toward me, brown hair flying. Glaring at me, she says, “You’re worth everything.”
“But I’ve got my brain. Enemy that it is sometimes. One day we’ll reach a compromise. I have to believe that.” Inhaling and exhaling deeply from my nose, I nod. “I dig the sound of that. Maybe me and my brain will get along one day too.”
“What did I do to make you shut me out? For years now, you’ve been…pulling away. Just tell me what I did.” You chose my sister.
He could never love me in the way I crave so desperately…not in this timeline. Not in this universe. Our stars are only ever meant to exist from opposite sides of the sun burning brightly forever between us.
“What’s your dream then?” You. You’re my dream.
Not when it hits me—really hits me—that this is all I’ll ever have of him. That this is the only way I can watch him, with my heart cracked open, and him no more the wiser to it. Because his heart’s too busy beating for someone else, so loud it drowns out anyone else’s. Drowns out mine. In a rhythm that was never meant for me.
He’s beautiful, even when he’s at his ugliest—a husk of the person I once knew. Barely even recognizable these days, and yet my soul still aches for him, always. More now than it ever has. And I’ve never hated myself more.
“And then someday, there will be this guy, and he’s gonna come along and-and push all the right buttons. You’re gonna fight it. Be stubborn as always. But fuck, he’s gonna fall so hard. And you’re gonna fall so hard right back, because…because he won’t give up. He’ll never rest until you let him in.”
“This boy—this man… he’s gonna treat you the way you deserve, better than you think you deserve. He’s gonna give you the world even when you insist you don’t want it. Because as low maintenance as you try to be…” I say roughly, a low chuckle threading my words, “you’re not.”
“And you shouldn’t be. You should have ridiculous standards and expectations, and settle for nothing less than everything.”
“And he’s gonna be the luckiest man in the world, whoever he is. Because…you don’t let people in easily. You don’t love freely. So to have that…” I swallow. “To have that…”
Jeremy shifts in my arms, and my hold on him tightens instinctively once more. Don’t leave me, don’t go. My eyes open, and the images in my head shatter into a sea of stars.
Difference is… In his arms, I’m a stand-in for someone else. In mine, he’s everything I’ve always wanted.
“She’s the love of my life.” Yeah, well, you’re mine, Mason. So fuck us both I guess.
I either feel everything or I feel nothing. No in between. And both paralyze me.
“I can’t lose you too. I hate you so much right now, but I can’t—I can’t—”
“Whatever it takes, okay? You tell yourself whatever it takes to survive.” A beat. “I need you.”
“Your Guardian Angel” by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
His pierced lip curves wickedly as he strokes the mic stand in a way that should be illegal, head bowed like he’s fucking worshiping the thing. And hell if I don’t want to kneel at his feet.
MASE FACE I know today sucks. But this is your day too, always has been, and always will be. And for that, I still love today. Because it means you exist.
Well, let’s just say if I didn’t have years of practice bottling up my attraction for him, I’d be a puddle on the fucking floor right now. He’s gorgeous. Painfully so. A single glance from those baby blues is enough to steal my breath. A mere smile, a slash through my heart with a serrated blade. Perhaps the universe did me a favor not aligning our stars.
To be loved by Mason Wyatt would surely be a death sentence. The weight of it would crush me.
Izzy was the glue, not me. I’m just the consolation prize. The spare. The unprepared understudy. This role was never for me.
I can’t help but notice just how…fuck, how gorgeous he is. Not that he hasn’t always been pretty. It’s why his life was hell growing up. Too pretty for a boy. Too soft. Too fucking gentle and kind… This is just the first time it’s really fucking hitting me, that he’s not just beautiful… But that I find him beautiful.
I can’t do this. I can’t survive this. Without her, I’ve been half a person. And now without him too, I’ll be lucky if there’s even a sliver of me left.
How do I make you believe the sober truth about drunken lies
In someone else’s story here, you might very well be the villain, and that’s okay.”
“It’s okay,” she continues, “because in your story? In yours, you’re still here. You made it. And you’re fighting like hell to be better. You’ve got your entire life to be the hero in someone else’s story. Don’t waste what could be, because you couldn’t be that version for everyone.”
For a long moment we both just stand there, silently staring at one another. The song’s still playing, and people are still talking and laughing. The world keeps spinning, and yet mine has fully stopped.
You’re just a casualty. He doesn’t actually see you. I’m just the closest thing he’s got to her.
I focus on the more important matter at hand. The most important… Jeremy.
“Sometimes, I really fucking hate her. You know that?” His voice trembles. “I hate her. And I love her. And I miss her. And I want to grieve her. I want to let her rest, but you won’t let me!”
“You’ve never been one to let fear get in the way of what you want. Don’t let it start now.”
Our gazes meet, his eyes lit up gold from the sun. Combined with his stark white hair, his smooth, creamy complexion, and soft, doe-like features, he looks almost…inhuman—angelic, standing there in a swatch of glittering sunlight coming in through the trees.
“I told you. You’re Mason Wyatt. Of course, I fell in love with you.”
“Jer.” He quiets. “Just shut up and kiss me.”
He is the void. Him. Jeremy. He’s what’s been missing all along… What I’ve been chasing. Right in front of my fucking face.
Simple. Safe. Boring. The unholy trinity of all things I’m allergic to.
