Every Breath After: Part 1 (Lost Boys, #3)

by Jessie Walker

“It changes everything.”

This scenario is not one I ever imagined. The one with Jeremy walking away. The one with my heart in my throat. The one where it feels as if I’m being physically ripped apart as two timelines converge.

Jeremy dips his chin, gaze boring into me. And in my head, he’s six. Then he’s ten. Fourteen. Fifteen Sixteen… Seventeeneighteennineteentwentytwentyonetwentytwo— All these versions of Jeremy flashing through my mind—amber eyes searing through me from across a room. Golden blond hair haloing his head, spun silver-white as he got older and cut it, dyed it. Shy smiles and ducked gazes and hunched shoulders that turned into rogue grins and rolled eyes and stubborn juts of his chin. When did we grow up? We were seventeen and then it’s just a black hole—a horrible, awful black hole, with threads of light shining through, as the grief slowly but surely gave way to acceptance. And now we’re here.

This is a good thing. A good thing… Because Isobel Montgomery is alive. His sister is alive. The girl I loved so desperately, until it almost killed me… The girl I went to war with the gods over… The girl I thought I’d marry one day… She’s alive. She’s alive. This is a good thing… And yet⁠—

But it’s okay if she cries. She’s a girl. Dad says girls are sensitive, and it makes them cry a lot, but it’s okay. They can’t help it, all the big feelings they’ve got. It’s our job to take care of them, and protect them, because those feelings make them silly sometimes.

I’ll show him. I’ll be strong and good like Captain America, and he’ll come back.

When I asked Mommy what shade our eyes were—she has brown eyes like us too—she said amber. But there’s no crayon that color, so I have to use sepia when drawing us.

“It’s stupid. They don’t know anything. We’re s’pposed to be together. Always. That’s what’s best.”

The idea of being separated from her… I’d take being forced to read out loud to a full classroom any day over that, even if it meant throwing up, and I hate throwing up.

Twelve minutes and thirteen seconds. That’s how long I had to exist on this planet without my sister. And Mommy and Daddy said I screamed for every single moment of it.

I have blond hair like Daddy. She has brown hair like Mommy. And she’s taller—not by much, but enough. She’s louder too—by a lot. And she’s bossy—like really, really bossy.

If the stars are dead… Where are the angels?

And all I can think is… I found you.

He had the lightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen, and long lashes that matched his fluffy light brown hair.

“Why don’t you listen to KIDZ BOP like other kids?” I make a face. “What the hell’s a kid bop?”

“You three will always have each other. That’ll never change. I won’t let it. You’re stuck with each other for life.”

I wonder what it’s like though, not to care what people think.

Not for the first time, I wish, somehow, he never met Izzy. That when we met by the swings that day, I wasn’t so quiet and shy and weird, and was able to make him my friend before he could meet her. Claimed him in some way… But then I remember he’s in her grade. And then there’s the piano. Who would Mason even be without that? It’s as much a part of him, as it is my sister.

“Maybe when you feel scared, or like—like people are staring and stuff—you can wear that ring, and it’ll keep people from getting through to you. Keep you safe. It’ll do whatever you want it to do.”

I wonder if he showed his mom the ring. I wonder why I hope he didn’t. I wonder why it feels different, more special, that he kept it to himself. And I wonder why I suddenly feel like I did something wrong.

I don’t want to be whatever it is they all think I am. So I won’t. I just… won’t.

Sometimes things seem like a good idea at first, but it doesn’t mean it will work out. She realized cello and her weren’t meant to be.” Sucking in my cheeks, I look down and nod. “But…but what if Mason is piano?”

“And he…he likes her too. He has to, right?” I say, meeting her gaze once more. Mom smiles that sad smile again. “She’s a girl,” I tell her, because that feels important. “And she’s pretty and-and she’s good at piano, and she’s nice and-and they’re in the same classes, the same grade…” Mom’s eyes gleam with some emotion I can’t name. “Why wouldn’t he like her like that?”

“We’re friends first, no matter what. That’s not changing.” “Okay,” I whisper. “And nothing changes for me and you, right?” he says, and there’s a worried pinch to his features now that wasn’t there before. “We’re still best friends?” I lift a shoulder. “If that’s what you want.” “Yes,” he blurts before I even fully get the words out. Then, “I don’t want anything to change.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…I didn’t know she was gonna do that today. I should’ve talked to you first. Made sure it’s okay with you. I don’t want you to be mad.” I shake my head. “I’m not mad at you.” I’m not… “She can do what she wants.” And she will anyway…

“It’s not always about that,” Jeremy says. “Sometimes it’s about nothing at all, and sometimes it’s about everything.”

“I told you not to call me that,” he cuts in sharply. I blink. Right… “Sorry, it’s a hab⁠—” “Or I’m gonna call you something you don’t like,” he rushes out quickly, like he had to force it all out in one go. I hold back a laugh. “Like what?” “I don’t know.” A beat passes, then he blurts, “Mase Face.” My eyes widen. He grumbles something, and I picture his face turning beet red. “Yeah, that’s horrible,” I tell him, grinning so wide, my cheeks hurt. “Shut up.”

It was an accident. It was. But for some reason… It doesn’t feel like one.

“So you’re okay with this?” Mom says, her forehead scrunching. I make a face. “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not h-her fault that the doctors or God or whoever screwed up.”

“You’re still my Squirt.” Tiny arms strangle my neck. “And you’re my Crush.” “Always.”

Feeling numb inside, I watch as the spinning slows, drawing to a stop… Right along with my heart. The world… Time… Everything grinds to a halt.

Like he only has eyes for me. Like there’s no one else here in this room but us. Like it’s just me and him and this strange, unknown planet we’ve suddenly been dropped on.

It’s likely only been seconds since he crawled over here—less than a whole minute since I spun the bottle and landed on him. Yet it feels like a whole lifetime has passed—like this moment’s being stretched out to infinity—and I wonder if anyone else notices how slowed down everything is.

He doesn’t smell like flowers and lip gloss. He doesn’t smell like flowers and lip gloss. I don’t know why that fact feels so important. I don’t know why I feel relieved.

Masonmasonmason— His lips touch mine, soft, dry, even a little chapped. And everything else just…ceases to exist. Mason Wyatt is kissing me.

But in our universe, the one we carved out just for us, just for this moment… Time no longer exists. No one else exists. I don’t even think I exist anymore.

She smiles when I catch her, and I’m grateful, suddenly, that she’s not facing him. That no one but me got to see that look on his face, whatever it meant. It’s a secret for me and me only, one I’ll take to the grave. Even if I did only imagine it—even if it was only my own hopes reflected back at me, fragile that they’ve always been, buried so deep, I never let myself really acknowledge them until now.

I kissed a boy. In front of a room full of people. I might as well have just stripped naked and cut open my veins and stood here for people to gawk at.

I stare at her, right into those brown eyes, the twins to mine, and wonder how someone who claims to always know what I’m feeling and what I need can be so clueless. “I kind of really hate you right now,” I tell her.

If I could, I’d make like the Flash and race around the planet as many times as I needed to, to go back to before this party even started. Even if it means never knowing what it’s like to kiss a boy… To kiss Mason. I’d take not knowing over this.

I just know I want this feeling to go away…this feeling like there’s something wrong with me, rotting me from the inside out. It feels…powerful to do something about it, rather than just keep it all in. This is me taking action against it, so I don’t have to put that burden on anyone else.

The scissors didn’t work well. There’s a scratch mark, but I didn’t even break enough skin to draw blood. Seems pretty pointless to go through all this trouble if I don’t…release anything. Give something… Like a sacrifice. What’s a little blood for some peace?

We never talk about the kiss. Things go back to exactly the way they were, as if it never happened. And I realize I was wrong—nothing was ruined. On the surface, everything is as it should be. I should be relieved. I should be grateful. I should be thanking my lucky stars. And yet… Why am I so sad?

Spinning, spinning, spinning

And in my head, there’s a flash of red and white, spinning so fast it melts into gray, and I’m leaning forward, and it’s⁠— It’s— Blackness. Peace. A flash of amber.

Watching the world spin and spin, while I’m stuck here, trapped in time behind glass, watching, always watching… And if I’m not watching, I’m wishing I was. Because at least when I’m invisible, I’m not getting slurs slung at me, or the shit kicked out of me.

I’d take the curse of shadows over being centerstage any day. The curse of being unseen rather than seen in the wrong light.

“Just another fucking day being me. What else is new?”

Mason… My best friend. My hero, always my hero. I despise it as much as I love it.

“You’re not weak. And you’re not a coward. You’re the strongest, bravest person I know.” I laugh weakly. “That’s a lie.” “It’s not,” she says fiercely. Pulling back, she scowls at me. “You put up with so much crap, but you’re still standing. Your anxiety, the bullies… You deal with so much more than any of us, but you still smile and laugh and-and…you’re here, JJ.”