Out on a Limb

by Hannah Bonam-Young

And, like my mother, I’m far too soft hearted. Often too eager to see the best in people. Too attached to leave when I should. Too scared of being alone.

When in doubt, take a shower, my mother used to say. When in trouble, take a bath, Marcie would add. They were always speaking in tandem like that—little doses of life lessons piggy-backed on top of the other.

I’m not ever really sure how to talk to my mom about what’s happening in my life. Sometime after I turned eleven, I became more of a friend and confidant than a daughter.

And she’d listen without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Regardless, I always knew I was loved. Even if I wanted the love from my mother delivered differently.

It’s not that I dislike my body, or my stomach in particular. It’s just that I find there’s less risk of insecurity spiking the more I act as if I don’t have a body at all.

“You can’t change anything by hiding it. You’ll just look back on memories and realise you tried to erase yourself. And how sad that would be.” It was the way she said sad that hit me. That I can still hear so clearly to this day. Sad like pathetic. Which, to a teenage girl, is a blow not long forgotten.

The mess and the chaos and the beauty of a life well lived—a life shared. I’d like it very much. So much it scares me even more. But not enough to not try.

Whether he feels this longing between us so deep inside him, so full and abundant, that he’s also started to believe that we have souls after all. Simply because something inside me is entirely his. Something I know would follow me into the next life, or beyond that, even if I left this body behind.

Without a crash course from first-hand experience, we’ll need to be the ones to teach our kid how to navigate the world with that empathy. To see their privilege as a tool to use on behalf of others. But also, to not let our burdens overtake them. A delicate balance.

“I’ve been so scared of letting myself feel that way again. I have questioned my judgement, my intentions, and my reasoning since we met, but all along, you’ve been showing me that I can rely on you with little acts every day. And those small doses of kindness and generosity and support and gentleness have chipped away at the hard wall I built around my heart. You never asked for more. You never rushed me. You…”

“You’ve seen me. Understood me like I’ve never been understood. And I see you now too. I see how truly lovely you are. More importantly, I believe it. With everything inside me, I believe you’re going to be gentle with my heart.”

“I love you, Win. I love you so much it makes me feel like I’ve hated everything else in my life up until now. Nothing compares to what I feel for you. Not even close.”