Down the Drain

by Julia Fox

This is for the dreamers and the delinquents

I feel small in a way that feels exciting, like I have yet to be discovered.

But mostly, I love the warm, calming sensation of knowing that I’m going to be taken care of.

He is the only source of unconditional love I know. He is home.

I fear my brain has already rotted.

My dad treats books like an escape. He gets lost in the pages of the books he reads, and it seems like he always has to be reading a few books at once. One isn’t enough to quiet the noise in his head.

She does all the things my mother would never do, but she’s still not my mom. For better or for worse, that spot is taken.

I compulsively write her birthday and her zodiac sign “Leo” all over my books so I won’t forget it.

I prefer living in my fantasy world, detached from reality.

“Do your parents get angry at each other?” I fidget in my seat. “My dad says my mom has mad cow disease.”

As different as we are, we all have one thing in common: We just want to feel better.

She’s paranoid and anxious and it rubs off on everyone around her.

My hero is turning out to be nothing more than just another flawed human being.

I’m forced to face the unsettling reality that the people who are supposed to protect us are sometimes the same people we need protection from.

“It’s better to burn out than to fade away,”

Maybe she wants to protect me, but it feels like she’s projecting her own limitations onto me. As I think to myself that my mom just doesn’t realize what I’m capable of, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not good enough.

I don’t understand why these men are lamenting about getting older. It’s not like they’re given expiration dates, the same way women are.

After a couple of months of meetings, nothing shocks me anymore. But I do learn that it’s never too late to change your life.

The rest of the trip, I’m fuming. Did I seriously just wait sixteen hours to get slapped in the face in front of the dead pope?

Ace has such a hold on me. He’s my favorite of all the drugs. I love the way I feel when I’m with him. I get high on his power. I’m the queen to his king and I have to find a way to get back to him.

I’m on a roller coaster from hell that I just can’t seem to get off of.

I laugh when he tells me he’s going to kill himself. I encourage him to do it, taunting him, screaming, “You won’t!!!!!!!” before hanging up on him. I feel nothing.

💀💀💀

I find comfort in the gritty chaos.

The party never seems to end, it consumes me.

She can talk about any subject, and when she talks to you, she makes you feel like you’re the only person in the room.

When I get back to Liana’s house, I lock myself in the bathroom and call the immigration hotline to inform them that an illegal alien from Italy has taken up residency in the U.S. After half an hour on hold, I come to the bleak realization that rich blond girls are not on the U.S. Immigration’s deportation radar.

I find that when I’m high, I’m nicer and more patient. I’m hopeful and serene. Things don’t bother me and I’m way less likely to start a fight.

I’m terrified, but there’s a part of me that finds the danger exhilarating.

Sure, I’m young and quiet and keep to myself, but she has no idea the levels of rage I harbor beneath my cool exterior. She just unleashed the beast and I’m going to ruin her life. For fun.

I’ve come to discover that girls are so much more colorful. The dull and sterile backdrop that had been my life is now this vibrant luminescent force field that guides me when I am lost, protects me when I’m in danger, and nurtures me when I need love.

It’s like we are bound on a cosmic level that’s beyond my level of comprehension.

“Drugs will give you wings to fly, but it’ll take away the sky.”

I yearn for purpose and I so desperately want to make something of myself. There’s a reason I didn’t die, and I have to figure it out.

When we’re in sync, it’s like I’m on a rocket ship soaring through the cosmos, but when we clash, it feels like I’m drowning in quicksand with no way out.

It can’t be normal to feel everything at such an elevated state. I see how people compartmentalize their lives, not allowing the drama to envelop the rest of them. I begin to wonder why I can’t seem to do that too.

When I’m with him, I hide the scars of my past. I bury myself so far down that I start to forget who I am.

She’s my comfort person. We fight like hell, and we’re not above throwing a few punches, but we always hug it out. And strangely, it only reinforces our bond. Our love is unconditional and never judgmental. She sees me through my lows and never holds them against me.

It’s hard to come back to a place that has gone on without me. So much has changed, and I’m not sure how I fit in anymore. Being back home is haunting.

It’s comforting to feel so small sometimes. It makes my problems feel smaller too.

I get lost time and time again, but somehow I end up exactly where I need to be.

I see Josh Safdie’s name pop up on the screen. It’s been over five years that Josh has been telling me about this movie he’s writing called Uncut Gems.

MUSE

It feels like this is my destiny but I’m so afraid to be wrong. I’m so afraid of not being chosen.

It was as if all the planets and stars in the cosmos were all perfectly aligned and a star was born. ME.

Her jealousy seeps through every pore of her being and poisons everything around her.

She hated being alone more than anyone I know.

She told me not to worry, she had the same condition. I had never met anyone else with it before and it felt like I finally found someone who understood me on a visceral level that most simply cannot.

There will never be another Gianna. She’s a once-in-a-lifetime kind of person. There has never been anybody like her and there never will be anybody like her and that’s a fact I need to accept.

He reassures me that she knows how much I love her and encourages me to live my life and not be boring, because she will be living through me.

As long as she’ll still be with me, I’ll be okay. But I’ll certainly never be the same.

This is a cosmic gift and it feels as if the universe is finally balancing the scales.